Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Some thoughts and an update
Anonymous:
Learning,
I truly feel your excrutiating pain,,"why don"t you stop pain!" I agree, you do not have a personality disorder. You are not crazy. From all of the reading I've been doing on personality disorders; denial of the pathology is a common thread to the disorder. You are only too willing to take a humble look at yourself. Continue to see your counselor. Take it moment by moment as much as you can. You are right, having 2 boys is a motivation to walk through my pain. You also deserve a happy life--for just YOU!! Find one or two things that feel good---a walk outside, a book in the park, a facial, a nap--and repeat repeat repeat!! soon other things will feel good too. Talk to good friends. Reach out to them for support. Let them love you. Reach out Reach out Reach Out!!! Everyday if you need to. I do believe there are angels out there who want to help you. Many of them are right on this site. We are with you. Cplummer CSHF
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Learn ---I am still real fuzzy on exactly how the therapy process is suppose to help my pain go away. My T does move slowly and certainly does not push me in anyway. Sometimes I wonder if he should. I am not on medication.
--- End quote ---
Hi Learning,
Therapy is a mixed bag. Therapy brings up pain. It's also supposed to make the pain better. If you're feeling much worse then the therapist needs to help you. I don't think being in constant emotional pain is required or desirable. Sometimes medications can help big-time. I couldn't function this well without antidepressants.
And thanks for the very kind words.
Bunny
Learn:
Thank you all for your very kind and supportive posts. I saw my therapist today and I have alot to think about. Thank you for being here.
Learning
October:
Hiya Learning
I have only read this post by you, so I don't know a great deal about your situation, but from this post it seems to me that you have a great deal of pain, but you are unable to locate it or define it very well, but you are afraid that it is more powerful than you are, and that at any unguarded moment it might take over and you would then lose control.
The work which you are doing with your therapist is addressing this issue, together with several others, related to your family.
I hope I have understood that right.
I had one thought while reading all of that. Your pain is hidden away because for whatever reason you do not feel safe looking at it. You are frightened by it. Could you, therefore, approach it another way??
I thought perhaps you could collect lots of colours; pencils or paints or crayons; anything. Then take your time in looking at the colours, and choosing the one which most closely looks to you to mean safe and in control and happy. Then draw a box that colour on a piece of paper. That box is a safe container. Nothing inside that box can get out.
Then try to think what colour your pain is; nothing else, not the shape or the form, but only the colour. Then find a pencil or crayon which is most like that colour and draw or colour inside the box. If it feels scarey, then go back to the safe colour. This is not to define the pain, but to enable you to look at it in safety, using imagery or metaphor. If you can find a shape, then fine. If not, then just a scribble or anything would do. Don't try to rush and find out a form. Just a colour. If you find yourself trying to draw something, then change hands so that you don't get tempted to do that. I don't want you to get scared.
It is a way of looking at something that at present you are not able to allow yourself to look at. Like peeping from behind the settee at a scarey programme when you were small. If you just peep a bit, like through your fingers, it is easier.
You might also find something in the safe colour to use as a talisman to help you feel grounded when you start to feel scared, or when you have a difficult event to go to.
I hope this does not seem totally stupid. I think sometimes words are one way in to our fears, but sometimes the words have too many blocks in the way, and maybe pictures or even just pure colour can help us get through and past the blocks.
Anyway, just a thought. Take care.
C
Learning:
Hi All-
Thank you to Bunny, Portia, CSHF and October for your replies.
October, I did take your advice to heart and tried using colors to get in touch with my pain. I did it the very next day after I read your post. It did give me some insight on something and I enjoyed the experience of trying that. Thanks for your help.
I've been sort of living in a dull depression...still feeling pretty stuck. In a previous post I had mentioned that I felt like when I was with people I was outgoing but shallow. I would like to talk more about that. Right now my life consists of spending my time 24/7 with my kids. I love it and it is trying, rewarding, exhausting, joyful, tedious and yet wonderful. That is what it is like. It is so many great things yet has so many challenges. My biggest challenge is that inside I am a ball of emotions just ready to explode. Most of them aren't exactly pretty. Lots of anger, shame, sadness...I think you get it. Yet, I am with my kids (who don't and shouldn't have to understand all this at the tender ages of 2 and 4) and I am constantly going to playdates, dance classes, the park, Sunday school...I am interacting with other parents and kids all the time. So what do I talk about with them? Well you can bet it isn't about how I am feeling. No I suppress it constantly. We talk about the kids, their lives cuz I can't manage to talk about mine right now without crying. I choose not to walk around with how I feel exposed to the world. If I did I would be sullen and angry and the rest of the world really doesn't need that. It isn't their fault. That is why I feel shallow and unfullfilled in my relationships. Recently I have decided to start telling people that I am working on "healing old wounds". I feel I need to give some explanation as to why I am cancelling out of so many activities. I just can't do it. I just can't put the smile on my face most of the time lately. So does that mean I am becoming less shallow? Maybe. But here is the deal, I see my shallowness as a coping mechanism. And I don't consider this shallowness as hurting others except that I am not letting people really get to know me. And yep I don't really want most people to know me...I am so programmed of how bad I am that I am sure everyone will see it if I let them in. I don't need anyone else telling me how bad I am...I have the tape recorder running in my head every minute of the day.
Of course all of these feelings and behaviors extend to the board. This board is anonymous but it stops being so once you post. Everyone has a personality here and you all become very real to me. So all the same feeling are brought out here just like out in the world. I am trying to not write here unless I am diving into these hard to handle feelings so that I am not just coping. So that I am actually feeling and reacting from my feelings.
Somebody (the newbie from the other post) really helped me out with that. She could be my mother...just different circumstances. I lost sleep over her story, her attitudes. Riduculous. I try to feel empathy for her, for my mother, my father. And I guess I do...but the anger is strong. She awoke me out of my depression if only for a short time. I am so happy the board handled her the way you did. Too bad we can't reach her kids, let them know that there are lots of people on their side. Maybe they already know cuz of their auntie.
That is an issue I have been wrestling with. Why didn't anyone ever help me? I was just a kid...their were signs...of course their were signs. NOONE ever helped...NOONE ever even offered words that indicated maybe they understood what I was going through and that it wasn't fair to me. Just kill me...that is how I felt as a child. One day when I was 10 I was hanging from the monkey bars and I let go...I don't know why...it was more like why not? I hit my head and my lights went out. But they really didn't go out...I was unconcious but there in my dream were the most loving people I had ever met. The accepting me unconditionally and I felt so happy, I felt like I was at home. Then I woke up and I was back to my awful life. I brushed myself off and walked home...my eyesight was affected by the fall and I saw black spots everywhere. I told Grandma what had happened. No hug, no compassion. Just the mechanics. Don't fall asleep. Call mom to come home from work. Go to the doctor. I guess they did that...take me to the doctor. But boy did I miss the angels from my other "state".
Wow, I sure can ramble. Maybe I should start my own ramble thread :lol: At this point I have lost what I wanted to say. Thanks for listening.
Love to all of you.
Learning
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