Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Some thoughts and an update

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Anonymous:
Learning,

Putting on the mask doesn't make you shallow. It's not shallowness at all. It's a survival mechanism that you need! I wouldn't take it off unless I was around safe people, who would not reenact what my original family did. You don't know yet who will reenact it. Also, if you take off the mask, you may trigger other adults' childhood stuff. That is like opening a Pandora's box.

It sucks that no one was there for you as a child - I can relate! - but you are now taking care of your inner child by having compassion for your own children. That's fantastic. It also might bring up your own stuff. Being around children has that effect.

My feedback is to decline some of the activities, take time for yourself to grieve, keep seeing your therapist. It's okay if you don't let people know everything about you yet. That takes time and healing. I don't know if your therapist has brought up the idea of antidepressants. They don't "cure" the depression but they take the edge off of it.

hugs,
bunny

Cj:
Hi Learning.

I relate to your post, as well as the confusion. I have been in therapy for two and a half years, and on only one or two occassions have actually cried. As for pain, its still blocked. I have had somatic (?) crap for years and years, and see this as part of me blocking my feelings, yet I cant seem to STOP. Running away and running away, and I sometimes think its going to kill me. All this energy suppressed. I've already convinced my self I'm going to die of an illness. After all, it has to go somewhere. I feel so numb, and its so hard to break the ice so to speak, and *feel*, even though I'm making tiny progress, which is *shrugs shoulders* something I guess. I feel the need to cry a lot, yeh my tears are blocked and stunted. My life is passing day by day, and I find it hard to even care (yet care that I don't care:S)
I too sometimes think I will never get better. I also feel 'self indulgent', and like my problems aren't even worthy of the board, or I am in the wrong place (more self hated/sabotage/people hate me etc). Again, I think it's a lot to do with my upbringing, and my feelings not being that important. Hell, I dunno.

Good luck, and stick around:).


--- Quote from: Learn ---Hi Everyone,

I want to take some time to let you all know how much you have helped me.  Those who responded to my posts and those who I have never "spoken" to.  I am reading about your lives and thoughts, and I find them very helpful and often inspiring.

I thought I would share with you how I am doing.  I did contact authorities about my father's behavior.  I don't know what will happen if anything...but I feel that I did something and it helps me to know I have tried.  I have managed to avoid almost everyone in my birth family, including my mom...but that is certainly not solving my internal turmoil.  This board has really helped me with my resolve to do these things.  I am so comforted by knowing that others are here that make similar choices in staying away from people who hurt them, even if it means they are family.  I am always so afraid that people will think I am really awful for not wanting to contact them.  

I have seen my therapist twice and I feel good about being back in that process.  Overall though, I feel pretty bad.  I had a small nervous breakdown last week.  Right before a big celebration.  Couldn't go...really felt bad...still do.  This is what I am afraid of...falling apart, letting people down.  

Cdplummer discussed pain on another thread...and I am so in awe of her ability to plow through it.  And she has 2 kids.  I am so afraid of my pain.  It sits in a room by itself.  I don't want to go in there...yet I feel like I am waiting in a corridor and that room is overflowing.

I also can't help thinking, "what the h**l is wrong with me".  I mean really...I have been doing this soul searching for a long time.  I read back in my journals from 15 years ago.  I had forgotten so much and it really brought how screwed up I was home to me.  So many crappy relationships (with men and women friends).  Therapy has helped me alot...I have a good marriage.  Yet...the pain still sits there waiting.  I have read so many self-help books, been through 3 therapists with over 6 years logged in weekly therapy.  So why am I still sitting here, depressed and afraid of this Pain?  

I asked my therapist if I had a personality disorder...you know he never really answered.   Later he said that one might feel crazy if you were the only normal person amongst crazy people.  But I am not comforted.  I am lost and unable to understand how this pain will stop from interfering in my life.  I refuse to let it become my life.  I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!!!  Maybe that is my problem, maybe I should let it become my friend.  I honestly don't know which way to go or if I even have that choice.

So here I stand, waiting for something to trigger in a therapy session that really helps me a ton.  I feel like a dope spending so much energy on myself.  I feel like a bigger dope that I just can't seem to "get it"  that I really suck at finding myself.  And this is probably one of the most important things I can do.  And I hope you all don't read this and think that I am too self indulgent.  That thought comes from my upbringing I guess.  I am realizing (again) that I was taught that my emotions were bad...and that I tend to separate them from the "good" part of me...whatever the heck that is cuz right now I can't even define that.

Please know that my thoughts are with you all...I hear all your voices and want the best for you.  I feel completely inadequate to respond most of the time and I hope you will understand.  I am struggling with all of my thoughts and feelings and am having a really hard time expressing myself (or even knowing what it is that I want to express).  

Bless you,
Learning
--- End quote ---

gardener:
Hi CJ
Your Pressure cooker pain is so familiar, I have been through some pretty bad times and being brought up to not use my voice much, I learned the technique of 'stuffing' the pain. I've struggled with panic attacks and so on and have huge difficulty with going out to social things. I did get to one stage in my life where things became too much for me to stuff behind my placid face and I realised that I didn't have to cry in pain and fear....which is a giving in to the pain. Instead I cried in release and acceptance. Gradually I found the pain lessened. It was rather like clearing out this cupboard that had been so packed with junk (pain and putting up with things) that the doors came away (feelings of breaking down). I'm still facing up to some of the pain, but as I move through the junk in my own time I am seeing things from a different perspective. I have found that writing down my feelings has actually given me a voice that I couldn't find otherwise. I speak much clearer on paper, in speech I find I'm correcting myself in my head before I can talk. (practice runs) I'm usually thinking about how my words will be taken by others, when speaking.
Maybe you could try a Journal again, write to yourself about how you feel, then listen back to your words.
 Wishing you peace and release.... :) (Not trying to rhyme here)
Ps.
An author I found hugely helpful in my dark moments is Dorothy Rowe.
Her books 'Breaking the bonds' and others have helped me in many ways.

gardener:
Whoops! and Learning too, Sorry I'm new to this still. I just wish everybody here finds healing. Forgive me if I get muddled from time to time... I've just been run ragged for two days running by my 16 mth old grandson and my brain is in a foggy place :)

Learning:
Wow...so much to think about, so much to learn.  I guess I was on target with my name although lately it seems a little impersonal. :?

Hi Bunny,

I felt your hugs big time.  Thank you!  

I'm working on grasping the difference between putting on a mask and being shallow.  I talked it over with H and he said that I am really a deep pool but that I only let people swim in the shallow end.   I feel that is right but there is this strong urge to deny it cuz I don't feel I have the right to hold such a high opinion of myself.

My T also said that being with my kids could be triggering feelings about my childhood.  That seems right.  Your idea that showing my children compassion is in turn taking care of my inner child...wow...that struck me as just beautiful.  Very wise and very hopeful.  I have never thought of it that way before.   I hope to carry that with me always.

I guess I need to fess up on the drugs thing.  I am scared to death of drugs.  Specifically, I guess, drugs that effect the mind.  I have tried a few (prescription and non-prescription) and I just haven't had good experiences.  So I guess I am not real open to the idea of anti-depressants...I don't know what that says about me...but there it is.

Bunny, I am sorry that noone was there for you as a child either.  I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug.  I think I will use Portia and CG's method ((((((((((Bunny))))))))))).

with love,
Learning

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