I said I would come back if something big happened and this week was like an epiphany.
The guy who I felt was stringing me along somewhat last year- creating emotional intensity and always waiting for something to happen, I fronted him up and in my best magnanimous way told him I probably got the wrong end of the stick when he told me he only wants us to be friends- even that he said as 'I wouldn't want anyone to see it as other than that' and I still felt there was some subtext. But I was totally honest and sincere and though it was a little embarrassing- it was fine. I felt relieved to clear the air- it's been getting difficult to serve alongside him with this constant atmosphere which I am hoping will have gone now; if not then I will switch to another part of the church to serve.
If he's N I expect a retaliatory character assassination to follow, but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, though I was disappointed he didn't take
any responsibility for his own behaviour. Just made excuses and said what he thought was wrong with me- and the whole thing came about because the last twice I saw him the first time he made a 'joke' about me blackmailing him; then the next time he said I am passive aggressive- another 'joke' apparently. Someone had said that they weren't serving there anymore because of him, someone who seems balanced and kind, and she said 'you know what he's like' so I paid more attention. He is very quixotic but doesn't acknowledge anything he says or does with reference to how it may be received. Apparently I shouldn't take to heart any of his comments or analyse them...not he should stop making them etc!
I thought I would feel upset or hurt but it was just a relief to step firmly into my own reality and draw up the boundaries.
Then ex.
What a chaotic week he created so far- even his home is chaos.
I've been doing my taxes on son's computer- he responds by buying a new computer and taking two days off to do the installation, switching my computer off.
Son is getting a bit mouthy, last night I shouted at him and ex turned around and yelled at us both as though he was the parent and we were children. When I tackled him about it today he said 'that's what it felt like- having two children in my space!'
Today he said again that he thinks he will lose his job...he often does that when he's mad with me but it doesn't impact me as much now; especially since he said he would stop making the alimony payments if I have someone else- I had taken them as a sincere expression of his wish to redress imbalances in our professional status because we always supported his career more than mine, and as a genuine gesture of remorse and attempt to make amends. We'll see- but his wobbling the ground beneath my feet has meant that finally I got up and went to stand somewhere else.
he attacked that today.
'If you spent more time doing what you should be doing without emotions instead of writing emails to Christians and other nonsense you wouldn't get into such a mess.'
A few nights ago he was sentimental and asked me to come back, his words 'cme home, stupid.'
I have pointed out to him each time he calls me stupid for about a month now, and his face has taken on a number of tics and eye-rolling movements and sneers which I have not seen for ages. He says I stress him out when I ask what's the matter or 'use language wrongly'.
Today I said 'I get it. You don't like me' and he swore blind he does like me, he does love me....he just doesn't like or love any of the things about me!
I feel so blessed to have come to this place ( a phrase I used earlier whcih he says is misuse of language ) where I can see all this clearly, unblinded by emotions.
It's like having a noose removed from my own neck.
The most important thing I have verbalised today is written above:
step firmly into my own reality and draw up the boundariesMy neck aches a little from tension and I feel a bit dazed but I'm going to go walk then spend the rest of the day doing paperwork and chores. I have 2 more days off so I'll be able to alternate downtime and walkign and paperwork. I do see now how ex has always kept emotions running so high around me doing paperwork and admin- but it's his emotions which are out of control not mine, it shouldn't make him so furious if I make a mistake nor should the guy at church misbehave any further- unless it is NPD in which case....won't be able to help it.
I am becoming convinced that personality disorder is mental illness- it's not just behaviour, it's behaviour which changes physiology and neural function. It's no different than any other mental illness- a combination of brain chemistry, managing responses and developing behaviours.
Hope all are well, thanks for reading! I wish I could hug everyone who helped me get to this place ( oops- misused my language again
)
~W
