New Member, Looking to Share

[cdnwoman]

Well I went to the counsellor after work yesterday.  She basically reiterated what I already knew.  I am beating myself up too much over my past relationship, and it really stems from my parents not my ex.  Once she mentioned my inner child...I almost broke down in tears.  I am having a difficult time getting over my ex because that is the first time I really felt loved and appreciated by someone.  Then it was taken away suddenly but his hiding, lying, and cheating.  So it is easier to blame and be angry with him then directing it to the real source....my parents.

I have to go back and see her next week.  In the meantime, she wants me to write out letters to my mom, dad, ex, and to myself.  Write out all the thoughts and feelings I have towards them.  She's right....I am too hard on myself.  I bought the book last night "Healing the Child Within" and have seen a lot of myself in it.  There are all types of abuse.  Some blatant, and some subtle...which mine was.  But they all damage your core.  They all damage your self-esteem and ability to give and receive love.

Has anyone done this exercise?  Did you find that it improved things?  Or not?  Thanks everyone.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you've found an understanding, perceptive counselor. It does hurt to hear about the inner child. When a former therapist mentioned it to me years ago, I was enraged. I didn't want to think about an inner child. Gee, maybe my parents weren't interested in her either!

The letters sound like an eye-opening exercise. Keep up the good work.

bunny

[cdnwoman]

Thanks Bunny;

I wrote a letter to my father last night but didn't finish it.  I started to get pretty angry and wanted to smash the keyboard.  I cried a bit afterwards.  I know my father experienced abuse himself while growing up, and it was carried into our lives.  He never once said "I love you".  His affections were inconsistent.  One moment, we are the greatest, the next moment, we are a nuisance.  That is how I learned to gauge my behaviour around him.  If he was in a bad mood or drinking, we laid low.  To this day, our conversations are basic.  I don't share my feelings with him.  I love him to bits, but we don't have a close relationship.  Whenever I tried to talk things with him, he would spit out advice on how to fix it.  Hello...I need someone to listen and understand, not to get advice.  He treated my mother pretty bad as well.  There was physical, emotional, mental, and verbal abuse.

I also cried about my mother last night.  She has had such a tough life.  I am angry that she wasn't strong enough to leave my father.  I am angry that she didn't stand up for herself.  Everyone has a choice, and she made the choice to stay with him.  Despite how badly he treated her.  Maybe she felt that there was no other way out....I don't know.  I cry for her, I feel bad that she has endured such pain, with no one really to support her emotional needs.  Just typing it brings tears to my eyes.

My parents have no idea what I have been going through emotionally since being born.  They have no idea that I have felt unworthy due to their dismissals.  My earliest memories are of feeling unappreciated, misunderstood, and abandoned.  Now whenever I think of my ex, I remind myself that he is another version of my father.  They are similar in alot of ways, and I have to accept the fact that I am not going to get the love and understanding I need from them.  I have to stop excessively blaming and beating myself up over other people's misdeeds.  I have to stop giving up my heart to men who are not able to share their true selves.  Men who are not able to appreciate the Real Me.

My inner child has been carrying alot of hurt and anger.  She doesn't understand why people would mistreat her.  She just wants to be loved and heard.  She is in a lot of pain and I have to find ways to heal that pain.

[Anonymous]

cdnwoman,

Your parents seem to have severe problems. They're lucky you have so much compassion for them. Your inner child has been neglected terribly by these grownups. The good news is that you are a grownup now, and you can take care of her. And that's what you're doing.  Good work on the letters.

bunny

[cdnwoman]

I think the hardest letter to write is to my mother.  My counsellor said that it is possible I am carrying her feelings of pain, sadness, anger.  Being a young mother with an eighth child, plus being in an abusive relationship, she must have been under alot of emotional stress.  Is it possible that she transferred her feelings onto me while pregnant?  She was abandoned by her own mother while a baby and to this day, they don't have a mother-daughter relationship.  Does that sound right?

It is still hard to be angry towards my parents.  I feel guilty and find ways to rationalize their behaviour.  It's going to take some time.  Or a lot of letters....lol.

[Anonymous]

I think the hardest letter to write is to my mother.  My counsellor said that it is possible I am carrying her feelings of pain, sadness, anger.  Being a young mother with an eighth child, plus being in an abusive relationship, she must have been under alot of emotional stress.  Is it possible that she transferred her feelings onto me while pregnant?  She was abandoned by her own mother while a baby and to this day, they don't have a mother-daughter relationship.  Does that sound right?

You've sure got a smart counselor. I think it's quite likely that your mother projected very painful templates onto you, even while pregnant. It was unconscious on her part. However, unconsciously-driven actions can be the most destructive of all. Parents shouldn't perpetuate their childhood dramas with their own children. It's a no-no.

It is still hard to be angry towards my parents.  I feel guilty and find ways to rationalize their behaviour.  It's going to take some time.  Or a lot of letters....lol.

Yeah, you may not get angry with them for a long time. Eventually you'll probably be pretty pissed off. And it won't kill them. People don't die even if someone is enraged with them.

bunny

[cdnwoman]

I had another visit with my counsellor this past week.  It went pretty well.  We talked about my ex and how I am still carrying alot of anger towards him.  I still find it easier to be angry and put all the blame on him then my parents.

We talked about my father and how I should attempt to open the door of communication.  So it was decided that I buy him a greeting card with a short note saying what I love about him, how I miss being his little girl, how I hope he is proud of me as much as I am proud of him, and that I hope it is not too late to get to know each other.  I cried writing that short note.  To be honest, I am scared to death for baring myself to him.  I am afraid of being rejected, not being taken seriously.  I am mailing it in the morning, so he should get by this Wednesday or Thursday.  

I will be going to my parent's this coming weekend for a get together, I will be nervous seeing my father.  I love my father very much and want nothing but to have a close relationship with him.  It is what has been missing in my life.

[Anonymous]

cdnwoman,

Wow, that is very brave of you. I'm glad you have this counselor to process things with after you see your parents. I hope so much that your father responds as he ought to.

bunny

[cdnwoman]

Thanks Bunny, yes I hope he responds positively too.  And I am scared to death.  My father isn't emotionally expressive, except when it comes to anger.  So all I can do is wait and see how he is when I see him.  I was thinking of walking up to him and my mom when I go home, and give them each a big hug.

[Anonymous]

I think the hug would have to melt him a little bit!  

A lot of people only express anger because any tender emotion makes them feel like a hermit crab who's lost its shell. If your father DOES express a loving feeling, he may get frightened and pick a fight or find a reason to get angry again (where he feels safe). Don't take it personally if he does this. These things take time and baby steps.

More kudos to you on your bravery.

bunny