A question to those well on the road to recovery..

[Ami]

Good point, Hermes!                      Ami

[alone48]

Empty,

NC was the best advice......sometimes I didn't follow it, but it certainly is the most necessary to move on.

[Leah]

Hello to everyone:

Another important point to remember is that "life is unfair".  That is how it is.  We have only to look around to see multiple examples.  IMO an acceptance of this fact is important.  You can get caught in the path of a runaway truck whose brakes have failed, through no fault of your own.  Wrong place at the wrong time.  A lot of maybes.  Maybe the driver or maintenance people should have checked out those brakes, maybe the failure was no one's fault, maybe the driver had not enough skill to steer the vehicle off the road, into a field whatever.   Who know?
I simply draw this analogy to illustrate the things that can happen.
What one cannot do is beat oneself up for being in "the wrong place at the wrong time."

IMO this is a good article. 

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20040315-000001.html

Hi Hermes,

Just spotted this, and read the article, on the 'what helps' board.  Superb for this thread.

Brilliant insightful resource.

So glad you have joined us!

Leah

[tayana]

Emptied, there were actually 3 things that really helped me.

1.  Finding a good therapist because I had no real world support system.  My family wasn't supportive of my decisions.  I didn't really have friends, so finding a therapist that could help me set manageable goals and work toward them was very important.

2.  Moving out of my parents' house in a place of my own.  It's had it's ups and downs, but it's been the best thing I could have done.

3.  Going No Contact with my mom until I could decide what sort of boundaries I wanted.  This has probably been the most helpful, truthfully.

[write]

I am wondering if you would be willing to share one or two steps that you took in your life that you feel were the most important in helping you to start to recover. What has worked for you? Thanks very much in advance.

E  

Hi Emptied, welcome and good luck with your recovery.

The most important steps for me:

*find a good therapist; in my case a psychologist who understands narcissistic personality disorder.

*accept my own part in things which go wrong and deal with my own problems; for me that was give up alcohol, address my early childhood issues and manage bipolar illness.

*commit to living a good life- working out what are good values, healthy diet & self-care regime, fulfilling career and spiritual life. I look back now and if I'd been doing these things before I would not have had the inclination to be involved with an abusive difficult partner in the first place! As I meet my own needs I am less and less inclined to be in any unhealthy relationship and all my relationships have shifted a lot.

*accept life's not perfect.
I had a horrible childhood and a difficult marriage. Sometimes the far-reaching consequences are really painful. For so long I struggled with trying to get back to the life I thought I ought to have had, when the best thing was to step away and change.
Divorce was one example of that, for the longest time I thought I had to stay married to be true to myself; instead I needed to change my views about marriage and accept that there won't be a perfect solution, just do my best.

*committing time.
It may take years to fully heal, it's a process.Many things we fail at are because we have an unrealistic view of the process especially the time commitment I think.

*thankfullness journal
For several years I read Simple Abundance by Sarah Breathnach and kept a daily thankfullness journal with at least 5 good things each day which stood out. Helped me keep focussed on the growing little positives.

Best of luck in your journey!

~Write

[emptied]

Hello to all of you wonderful folks who responded to my question. I have been checking on this thread and kept letting it run on because I didn't really want to interrupt the momentum or get it off track with a response. You have all given me some great suggestions and I have decided that I am going to therapy. I am continuing to post in the my story section, although I think that will be a long process. This may sound crazy but it almost feels safer to post it here, than having it on paper laying around someplace. I think that I need to start doing some affirmation work again-that is something that I have let slide, I need to start taking better care of myself again as far as diet, exercise, getting some sunshine, doing some fun things now and then, Hermes posted on part of the board a post about rewriting the tapes in our brain and I may work on this along with the affirmations. I am going to ponder a total no contact. It is hard though. I have kept a LOT of distance, but no contact is a whole new ballgame. I think though, that my single and best step so far has been simply finding this board. Right now I am sitting in a clean apartment, my clothes are clean and I am clean. That may not sound like such a big deal, but believe me, IT IS!!! I had gotten to the point where simply the thought of a bath was a bit overwhelming and that was with antidepressants on board. Again, thanks to all of you for the warm welcome, the love, (((HUGS))) concern, interaction and simply sharing your story.

E

[lighter]

I read your story earlier today, emptied..... so sorry you didn't have the family you deserved. 

Glad you're feeling better and savoring the little things..... like being clean and making a self care plan for healing and growth.

Again..... welcome ((emptied))

[Leah]

((((((((( Emptied ))))))))))

for taking such wonderful steps already

every encouragement to you.

Love, Leah