Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
the spiritual impact of N mothering
Anonymous:
Hi Bunny, how do you do that? As I was blathering on below, you wrote in fifteen words what it takes me 15 paragraphs to work out on paper...amazing!
Hi Dawning, er, what Bunny said 8)
No really...oopsadaisy! I don't mean to say hey it's okay to be a servile doormat for others (I'm exaggerating) to demonstrate love. I guess I'm talking about an attitude. I'm trying to work on being less judgmental about myself and others.
One time I was pulling up some plants and there were all manner of snails and slugs around. Ughhhh! I said, "Oh yuck! I HATE snails! Ew!!" and my nephew said, "they're God's creatures too!" I fell down laughing. I think what I'm trying to do is look for the positive and be as kind as I can without giving myself up. I'll think things like:
"Gosh, my child has successfully reached a significant developmental milestone called puberty!" :shock: :D
Or
"That scary dog is very good at meeting its potential as a pitbull!"
Just kidding around, sort of. There is a mother in my midst who used to give off very rejecting and snobby vibes. It used to really bother me. Now I try to feel patient and understanding for someone who was probably criticized to death while she was growing up and is just trying to do her best. Rather than throwing off "my god, what the h*** is your problem?" type of vibes, I just try to be accepting. Funny thing, once we both discovered that the other one wasn't perfect and also not a threat, we both relaxed. Now we're friendly.
Where once I used to put my expectations on people (esp. teachers, doctors, and car mechanics) I now just try to accept that hey, they were once kids with imperfect parents too. Can I work with this or not?
For the really challenging folks in our lives (yes, NSIL comes to mind once again), I think: I don't know what God's plan is for her, but it doesn't include me!
As for feeling ignored or taken for granted, I think sometimes we're not so good at asking for what we want. My mother is really guilty of this and expected us to read her mind and get frustrated when we didn't. I'll bet if you spoke up about what makes you feel loved, your friends/SOs would be happy to reciprocate--if they feel comfortable with it.
I qualify that last statement because I have a friend who is loving with kind words, quality time, an available ear but short on service because she feels taken advantage of herself. She's also extremely uncomfortable taking care of other children given her family history--very traumatic. Now that I have revised my expectations we have a better understanding and I don't extend myself as much either so I don't feel taken advantage of either.
There's a pretty neat series of books (yes, another one!) called The Five Love Languages. I have the one for children, but it really applies to everyone. Basically they are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts. The authors also give hints as to how to figure out which ones your loved ones (and you) respond to most. One of my kids is a quality time lover and huggy and the other is huggy and loves gifts :wink:
Well, jeepers, I'm going on and on now. :o :o
Am I still on topic here? :? I'm still working on this trust business too. I have to consciously work on it. I hope this is helpful and not too pie-in-the-sky. I know I sound more together in writing, but I reel from the same feelings and questions that were originally posted above. I had a real bender of self-doubt this weekend. Oy. Any additional suggestions for relaxing and acceptance of others would be welcome!
Peace, Seeker
Anonymous:
Hi everyone that has replied - thanks so much for your words. And Seeker thank you too. I have explored many areas - Buddhism, mediation, Catholicism, the Quakers, but I still struggle to FEEL anything inside. I think what has highlighted this for me is that I have a friend who is a devout Catholic and I have seen the comfort her faith gives her. She really believes she's not alone. Not matter what happens she's got this inner safety net.
I anything were to happen to my children, or my partner I think I would die. I haven't got the inner strength to deal with adversity. In my life I have gone from relationship to relationship (with men) avoiding being alone at all costs.
I feel that if I were to get this bit sorted out, I will pretty much have cracked it. I think what I feel is that the wounding I have received through having an N mother can never truly be healed and that I am stuck with this - even though I have healed so much else - through years of therapy as I already said.
I liked what you said Seeker about your mother and finding an acceptance of her. I am still very antagonistic towards my mother. she gets under my skin in seconds, when really all she is is an 80 year old lonely old lady.
Maybe Forgiveness is the key??
love to you all
ps What is NSIL?
and I can't do the little icons and stuff cos I don't really get computers!
Jaded:
Guest wrote that maybe forgiveness is the key. I think it is very important to remember that forgiving someone is not saying that you accept their actions and agree their actions were right. To me forgiving is saying that you have proccessed their actions and YOU have found YOUR way past them. Not that you accept their actions, you have come to terms with them.
Forgivness is a way of lifting the burden off of your shoulders. If you cant forgive someone it is only you who has their actions on your mind constantly. If a person asks for forgivness for something, they truly show they are sorry and sincere. If they dont, they really dont have a care that you are disturbed by what they did.
I forgive my parents, I forgave my N, and by me forgiving them it by no means states that their actions were right. It states that I am a much lighter person emotionally because I dealt with the pain that they inflicted. The second someone repeats their offenses to me, they are history in my book. Shame me once, shame on you. Shame me twice, shame on me.
Anonymous:
Hi Jessie,
Thanks for starting this thought provoking thread. The responses have been pretty intriguing.
When I read your post and then (i'm guessing you are the guest that just posted again) your response, I see that you are struggling with a couple of things in addition to spirituality, like what is forgiveness and how do I deal with my mother whom I still resent? What do I do when life serves up another helping of adversity and struggle?
Jaded really hits the nail on the head with the forgiveness thing. I was taught that forgiveness was about apology and takes two people to make it work. Boy, was I wrong! Check out http://www.forgiving.org/Working/myths.asp for the latest thinking and explanation of forgiveness. It's not an instant cure, but after years of resenting my SIL I was able to let go of my obsession and desire for change and my anger--finally! I find I feel much much better about myself and my life when I stop obsessing about my past (I still do this, see below) and focus on my future and my goals. I also now think of anything SIL says as "noise" with no meaning. That helps too. :D
When you talk about the possibility and fear of losing your H or kids, boy, that would be devastating. The words "resiliency" and "coping" popped into my head. I do not mean to minimize the pain that such an event would cause, but it sounds like you might benefit from building your confidence that you can handle adversity and might be able to stop "what-if-ing" as much. Relax and let life happen.
Finally--I know this sounds really "out there"--I happened to pick up a book about a woman's near-death experience. I know, I know, some folks rank it right up there with UFO's and leprauchans. But it really changed how I thought about spirituality, religion, etc etc. But I also think one must be open and read this only when one might be ready for it. I think it was called Changed by the Light.
Jessie, you might have a different way of connecting with spirit. Some connect through prayer, some through ritual, some through reading, some through acts of service with community, some through art, etc. Regardless of what some Bible-thumpers will yell at you, there is no one right way to get there.
You are stuck with your past, but you don't have to be stuck in it. You have a major league scar. I envision a shard of glass that was shoved in my heart. I remove this shard and oh my God the pain and the big hole it left! And what a mess! With time, the wound is healing, I have this scar and I also have this shard of glass which is kind of fascinating to look at really alone with the hole it made. I found a piece of gemstone that looks just like my idea of this shard just to validate my hurt and the fact that I'm still here and doing kinda okay, thank you very much. Sometimes putting things in real concrete terms can bring it home to a better understanding of oneself.
Well, betcha know me better now than you wanted to! :D Take care, Seeker
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---[...] I have a friend who is a devout Catholic and I have seen the comfort her faith gives her. She really believes she's not alone. Not matter what happens she's got this inner safety net.
--- End quote ---
I used to attend services every Sunday at a Black church (I'm Jewish). I envied their fervent faith. I wished I could go forward at the altar call and tell them I was saved. But I didn't get saved. Let's face it, faith is comforting to those who have it, but you have it or you don't. If you're like me and you don't, here is the alternative:
The book, "Handbook to Higher Consciousness" by Ken Keyes.
Also getting to know yourself and practicing doing stuff alone, so you can be less dependent and more autonomous. I think autonomy is more important than spirituality at this point. And they are the same thing anyway.
bunny
P.S. I think NSIL = "narcissistic sister-in-law."
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