update

[Hopalong]

[moved this from Izzy's thread since I thought I shouldn't hijack hers--Carolyn asked about my brother's visit--thanks, CH]

Hi Carolyn,

Oh lord.
It's been a rough couple days.
He's still here.
Threatening me with legal action, trying to shame me over my D's wild ways (he dug up her MySpace page and has clearly read every word she wrote for the last two years...) and hints that I am not a fit custodian of my mother's accounts. My mother has fanned the flames and the two are having a lovely dance. I called my D and told her to make her MySpace page private as her uncle's been all over it, printing out the "shocking" parts, etc.
He seems to think he can intimidate me, hints at invading whatever and whenever he likes.

Basically, he's all of a sudden terribly interested in her wellbeing, but it seems to me that it's kind of timely, now that mom's 97. Where was he for the last 15 years? So I told him how Mom arranged her will, and he said, Oh, seems okay.
He is an N and a pathological liar, so I have no idea if he thinks it's okay or not.

I feel good about one thing. He ordered me: You and I are going to the bank and you're going to put my name on her account. I said, no I am not. He tried again and I said you're not going to bully me, those days are over. No yelling. But I am appalled at how he talked to me, his clueless invasion of my AND my daughter's privacy, and his manipulative duet with my mother.

I swear I believe all of this goes back to him being pissed at me for existing from the moment I was born. And here he is 60, trying to shame, bully and initmidate me as he has all along. Matter of fact, I'm not afraid. But I'm tired.

Once it's over with my mother, I will never have anything to do with him again.

love,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))) I am so sorry. I couldn't even post to the thread days ago, where you talked about his impending visit. He sounds so very much like my brother... it's chilling.

His invasion of your daughter's MySpace is what encouraged his arrogant entitlement to try to push you around about the bank account. He felt like he'd gotten some dirt on you and so now he could badger you... like blackmail.
It's rotten and it stinks.

I've been thinking about this ever since you mentioned his visit and...
well...
since he already knows about the final arrangements, per your mother's will, then maybe it would work, at this point,
to really lay down the law to him. I mean, tell him in no uncertain terms, you may come on X date, but you must depart by Y, and no other time is convenient. The next available opportunity for you to visit her will be Z. Period.

I just remember all that I used to read about giving N back some of his own medicine... and I don't mean in the arrogant ranting, just in the entitlement department. He is in your home, Hops... and don't you forget it, please.

So much love to you,
Carolyn

P.S.  I would rather live in a tin can than haggle with my brother over my parents' estate, if it comes to that.

[Hopalong]

PS:
I may take a break for a while too.
I'll be back, and knowing me, it'll be in 10 minutes.
But in case it's a longer time, didn't want anyone to worry.

I need to spend more time in 2D land and take better care of myself.

love to all,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

I'll be thinking of you... and praying.

and I shoulda said, you did great to stick by your guns re: the bank thing.

Good job, Ms. Hops.

Bunches more love,
Carolyn

[CB123]

Oh Hops,

I'm so sorry.  This is truly wearying. 

He reminds me of some rather unpleasant in-laws of mine and I know how exhausting it is to have an extended visit.  I think that CH's advice is right on.  It's the only way I could stand the visits--by setting time boundaries.  I had to know that there was an endpoint and that I was in control of it. 

The other thing that seems familiar is the dance that your mom is doing with him.  I've been on the wrong end of that, too.  Yuck.  I hate this for you.  I hate it.

Please remember that we are with you in spirit and we care for you. 

Much, much love,
CB

[Bella_French]

Dear Hops,

I'm so sorry to hear its been a rough week for you! That experience sounded dreadful!! I have a brother just like him, not an N exactly- perhaps` sociopath' is a better word. He's also a pastor at his Church, which is scarey! I'm not looking forward to the future inheritance wars, with both  my mother and him involved.

I'll be thinking about you, Hops.

X bella

[Leah]

Dear Hops

Sincerely, you have been in my thoughts, knowing the situation.

Glad to hear that you have stood firm on solid ground with him.

Thinking of you, in my prayers.

Love, Leah

[teartracks]

Dear Hops,

Rest, ahhhh that sounds so good.  I hope you do get all the rest you need whether it's ten minutes or ten days. 

Keep standing your ground.  Stay strong. 

My best to you.

tt

[axa]

Sweetest Hops,

I have been feeling a lot of anger these days and reading about our brother just fires it all up again.  I have come to learn that there are people in the world who are such S%%%% that they can make you crazy.  I know that we all know about Ns here but when you encounter one again it really does bring up the vulnerability you experienced when in the throes of the abuse - well that is my experience.

I agree about boundaries.  I would not eve speak to him, I really wouldn't.  There is nothing to discuss.  Your mom's will is in place.  What is there to talk about.  BLank him Hops.  Do not be pleasant, do not behave like a "normal"human being...........you are NOT dealing with normal here remember.  Protect yourself.  Silence and stillness are the most powerful tool I believe.   I will think of you dear Hops and wish you a truck load of silence. 

I find it really helpful when in a situation where I feel unnerved etc to focus on MY breathing....let the ranting etc go on around me and I just keep breathing.  It does work.


xxxxxxxxxxx


axa

[lighter]

How can it manage to be worse than I imagined?

::shaking head::

You live in that home too..... he can't just come and go as he pleases.

So sorry..... stay strong.  Get rid of him.  He shouldn't be allowed to go through all your things.

((Hops))  See you when you get back.

[write]

Threatening me with legal action, trying to shame me over my D's wild ways (he dug up her MySpace page and has clearly read every word she wrote for the last two years...) and hints that I am not a fit custodian of my mother's accounts. My mother has fanned the flames and the two are having a lovely dance. I called my D and told her to make her MySpace page private as her uncle's been all over it, printing out the "shocking" parts, etc.
He seems to think he can intimidate me, hints at invading whatever and whenever he likes.

Basically, he's all of a sudden terribly interested in her wellbeing, but it seems to me that it's kind of timely, now that mom's 97.

maybe this is your cue to hand it over- if he can do better let him get on with it and you can go back to living your own life?

Good for you not being bullied- don't tie your affairs with his I agree, he's not reasonable enough to work closely with right now.

Re the Myspace, I am a bit pedantic in my life being bipolar that it has to be transparent- or I slip into denial when I get sick. But if she isn't ashamed by anything she's doing why should he get to censor? He's the one being weird- looking closely into his niece's private life.

It's much easier in my own culture you know, all these issues around being judged and what's acceptable etc- you can be an individual and not so fearful these days, so long as you're not hurting anyone.

Shine the light of day on it Hops! You've done nothing but try to take care of her, in difficult circumstances.

Stick to your good values and principles and let him do what he feels he has to- he can only make you crazy if you let him be part of your life.

Take good care of yourself, on every level.

Love
~Write