Dear emptied

[reallyME]

I am so glad you have been posting to the board, and I did take the time to read all of your posts, as for some reason, my heart just really can identify with the pain you endured.

first I want you to know one main thing

I BELIEVE YOU!  I believe EVERY word of what you have posted.  I believe you are telling the truth about all of it.  I BELIEVE YOU!


Secondly, I am so sorry your own parents did not protect you from that bully.  I am in a similar situation with my 8 year old.  She is being bullied at school and begging me to home school her because the kids are so cruel to her all the time.


Thirdly, I am THRILLED to hear that at some point, YOU REBELLED.  I don't mean that getting into drinking or whatever is good.  I mean that at some point you did what you could to take POWER back for your own life!

I'm just sorry any of you or your children had to endure such HARM.  It's just WRONG as you say.  I'm glad you realize how WRONG it was and is.

I am reading what you post.  Keep on opening up.  Know that you are loved and if I could have stopped it back then, I would.  After all, I'm quite the "rescuer"  It's in my nature too.

~Laura

[emptied]

Thank you so much (((((Laura)))) I truly appreciate the support. I have been busy today trying to find a good therapist that will take my insurance. I have a plan that is great in most cases, but within three counties around me there is not one therapist or psychiatrist. UGH! Anyway, I am off on another tangent. You know, it bugs me that my son doesn't believe me because it is harmful to him. It is frustrating when my mother won't believe me about things, but I am so used to her stuff that it doesn't hurt quite as much anymore when she pulls some of her unbelievable crap. It does really suck though that in general the fact that I have been depressed before means that as a rule people tend to view me through that lens. Yes, at the same time I can't imagine not having been depressed through some of the stuff that has happened. It is good to write though. I feel that it has been a therapy of sorts in and of itself. Again, thanks so much for your kind words.

E

[Izzy_*now*]

You know, it bugs me that my son doesn't believe me because it is harmful to him

Dear MT-ed (em--tee--d)
Just keep on being your true good self and eventually he will see. 'The truth will out' for you and your son.

That makes me wonder how many people are villified so quickly with just one awful lie.

Your story contains some similarties  to mine. On the Story board it is short and mainly about the family I had growing up but not as detailed as yours.

I was the only one of 5 without red hair and freckles and they called me ugly. Much harm came from my siblings as well as my parents. Siblings taunted and ridicluled me and I think it was because my father started it when I was very little--age 3 I think I was when the incident occurred.

I wet the bed until I was 12, and was in Grade 9 in high school.

I believe every word you said and know that these things happen.

Now the group of people out there who have never met an N,or knows about them but met one anyway, but lucklily never had an incident with the N-ism would be hesitant to believe that that abuse is present in today's world.

One can only receive understanding and support from those who do understand from having the experience, and we are many.

So you've written it out, it is all undoable from the past and you are damaged. Where do you plan to start?

Good Luck on your journey to wellness and do keep in touch
xxx
Izzy

[emptied]

Hi Izzy,
     I did already read your story. It is funny that you were teased as the one that DIDN'T have red hair and freckles! When i was growing up it was all cheryl tiegs, Farrah Fawcet, all about blondes; being a redhead was not seen as a good thing. I remember trying to tan so I wouldn't be so pale. It means that now I am older I have lots of lovely sun damage As to where to start, I have been toying with that a bit. I think just finding this site and this board has been HUGE! I have never seen a group of people who are so kind and supportive. Writing it out has been really therapeutic for me and I will continue to write as I feel able to do so. I find that after I write each bit, I am worn out and then later I feel better for having spit it out. It is funny though, that I anticipated having major pain writing some of it, but in a sense a lot of it is lacking in emotion that I dealt with at the time as I must have blocked off the emotional content of a lot of it at some point. I also find that while I had "tons" of stories at one point, I have let go or forgotten all but the major ones. I know that it all sounds so soap opera that it is hard to believe and if it weren't mine, I might not-the funny thing is that some of the more soap opera parts I haven't even touched yet
     My next step is to find a therapist that will take my insurance and taking some of the advice on the question thread that I started about first steps. I think that it has been huge just to realize what is going on. Of course, I have always known that there was abuse, but on some level you lie to yourself about it. You try to excuse, think of reasons why, think of the "Normal" parts of your family-I guess it is denial; yet it is a denial of a major part of my life and how I came to be where and who I am. It is really empowering just to be able to say that I was an abuse victim. Wow! As I said in my post, I dooo want to stop being a victim, I mean, who doesn't have dreams of that potential happy fulfilling life ahead.
     I have had very little contact with the world for quite a period of time now. I think that I needed the time to be able to move forward....to be able to say, ok, what is next. I knew it was time as I found this board.
     I had at one time come up with a wellness plan that I put in place for the depression and it has been a real help when I really use it. There is a section that is "Me when I am well" then "signs to look for when things are going down hill" "things that trigger me" Things to do and steps to take when things are going downhill" "What to do if I am in crisis" I also have things in there like medications I have taken before that do and don't work, doctors I do or do not want to see, treatments I would or would not try. There is a section for a situation where I wasn't doing well and things a supporter could do to help me. I also have pages of affirmations, favorite prayers, etc etc. I actually was a facilitator for a period of time, so as I did the class for others, I would pick up idea's from other people and incorporate them into my wellness plan-it is actually a notebook that has sections for each topic.
    Okay, talked a lot about the wellness plan, but I have gotten away from following it on a daily basis, so one of my next steps is to make sure I implement some of those important parts and basically taking really good care of myself. I don't know how many folks here have struggled with depression, or any other illness for that matter, but I may post parts of mine on the what helps part of the board, as I think so many folks here have been focused so much on others, rather than themselves that some of the self care stuff may be of help. I do believe that folks with depression have a genetic tendency, but then need a certain amount of stress to actually trigger the illness. They have found that the alleles (part of chromatid) are different on folks who actually can get depressed versus those that don't.  I limit, limit, limit stress and drama, but have already found in the past few days that I am standing up for myself and taking care of myself better. The depression thing, I have struggled with it, but I don't think that I was getting to the roots of some of the issues and until I can change my way of being and my expectations of the world, I am not going to get better. I do know that I don't want to go into therapy and rehash all the old stuff and bring those "bad tapes and bad emotions" out again, but I think help on being more assertive, setting limits and boundaries, etc would be a good place for me to start. Also, I think just working on realistic thinking about things and situations, those will be my initial goals.
    Ah Izzy, you got me rambling. All I can say is that it is good to be on the road and good to have fellow travelers such as yourself to share the journey with. (((HUGS)))

E

[Izzy_*now*]

hi emptied,

Aha! I knew I had you rambling when I saw your post.

It is good to know you have some areas to start.

Re red-heads: "being a redhead was not seen as a good thing" outside our farm home, but in the family, where the abuse was, I was outnumbered. I didn't make that clear--late '40s and early '50s.

I also forgot to say that I had similar jaw problem and teeth coming whereever there was a space. One eye tooth was embedded in my palate. I asked the dentist to pull them all and give me good teeth about age 13-14. He made me aware of orthodontists and finally made an appointment (Dentist came from  another city once a week.) My mother said they couldn't afford the dental work, after an estimate. I countered with, if they start, I will take it over when I finished school and worked for a living. Which I did at 17 and was still wearing braces at age 19 and then had a crown to get for a front broken tooth.

My parents were not name-calling Ns. I think I'd've died under that, but dad's pohysical abuse had me turn inside out and left me me with no emotions, "but in a sense a lot of it is lacking in emotion that I dealt with at the time as I must have blocked off the emotional content " and i can believe it!

The best place to ramble is here, where we all have had the experience, but I also think we heal in ourt own way. The common denominator usually is that, early physical abuse and emotional abuse sets us right up for an Narcisisist in our lives.

I had an alcoholic first. had his child, not married, then left hiim, then the car accident  (wheelchair) when she was 5, so I suppose my dysfuntion set her up?? along with my family, along with no Dad, then her dad kills himself and she married an N.

He divided us after 2 grandchildren so I have been without her and the family since 1991 and in 1998 I met an N, but I never knew about them until after I left miine and called a therapist. Now I am entirely over mine and am madder than Hell at my ex son-in-law He is the N who is more involved being my grandkids' father and the eldest (boy) lives with him and is N-ish.

However, this is all over. It is in the past for me now. I finally realized and now I take one day at a time.

I'm finally old enough (almost 69) that I can live alone and not dwell on finding a man. I don't want one. I'm a good worker and am independant, I drive a car and am the proud owner of TWO wheelchairs--one to go out in winter then come home, wet wheels, and switch to the dry one and keep on rolling on the carpet etc.

I'm sure that all that writing you have done for yourself was very good for you. I sensed you felt that too, even said it.

I have various files that I wrote long ago--wonder if it's a book yet!

Love
Izzy

[Ami]

((((((((((((Emptied)))))))))))))))))))))))     Thank you for all that you give, Emptied. You are a blessing!      Love     Ami