Hi Izzy,
I did already read your story. It is funny that you were teased as the one that DIDN'T have red hair and freckles! When i was growing up it was all cheryl tiegs, Farrah Fawcet, all about blondes; being a redhead was not seen as a good thing. I remember trying to tan so I wouldn't be so pale. It means that now I am older I have lots of lovely sun damage

As to where to start, I have been toying with that a bit. I think just finding this site and this board has been HUGE! I have never seen a group of people who are so kind and supportive. Writing it out has been really therapeutic for me and I will continue to write as I feel able to do so. I find that after I write each bit, I am worn out and then later I feel better for having spit it out. It is funny though, that I anticipated having major pain writing some of it, but in a sense a lot of it is lacking in emotion that I dealt with at the time as I must have blocked off the emotional content of a lot of it at some point. I also find that while I had "tons" of stories at one point, I have let go or forgotten all but the major ones. I know that it all sounds so soap opera that it is hard to believe and if it weren't mine, I might not-the funny thing is that some of the more soap opera parts I haven't even touched yet

My next step is to find a therapist that will take my insurance and taking some of the advice on the question thread that I started about first steps. I think that it has been huge just to realize what is going on. Of course, I have always known that there was abuse, but on some level you lie to yourself about it. You try to excuse, think of reasons why, think of the "Normal" parts of your family-I guess it is denial; yet it is a denial of a major part of my life and how I came to be where and who I am. It is really empowering just to be able to say that I was an abuse victim. Wow! As I said in my post, I dooo want to stop being a victim, I mean, who doesn't have dreams of that potential happy fulfilling life ahead.
I have had very little contact with the world for quite a period of time now. I think that I needed the time to be able to move forward....to be able to say, ok, what is next. I knew it was time as I found this board.
I had at one time come up with a wellness plan that I put in place for the depression and it has been a real help when I really use it. There is a section that is "Me when I am well" then "signs to look for when things are going down hill" "things that trigger me" Things to do and steps to take when things are going downhill" "What to do if I am in crisis" I also have things in there like medications I have taken before that do and don't work, doctors I do or do not want to see, treatments I would or would not try. There is a section for a situation where I wasn't doing well and things a supporter could do to help me. I also have pages of affirmations, favorite prayers, etc etc. I actually was a facilitator for a period of time, so as I did the class for others, I would pick up idea's from other people and incorporate them into my wellness plan-it is actually a notebook that has sections for each topic.
Okay, talked a lot about the wellness plan, but I have gotten away from following it on a daily basis, so one of my next steps is to make sure I implement some of those important parts and basically taking really good care of myself. I don't know how many folks here have struggled with depression, or any other illness for that matter, but I may post parts of mine on the what helps part of the board, as I think so many folks here have been focused so much on others, rather than themselves that some of the self care stuff may be of help. I do believe that folks with depression have a genetic tendency, but then need a certain amount of stress to actually trigger the illness. They have found that the alleles (part of chromatid) are different on folks who actually can get depressed versus those that don't. I limit, limit, limit stress and drama, but have already found in the past few days that I am standing up for myself and taking care of myself better. The depression thing, I have struggled with it, but I don't think that I was getting to the roots of some of the issues and until I can change my way of being and my expectations of the world, I am not going to get better. I do know that I don't want to go into therapy and rehash all the old stuff and bring those "bad tapes and bad emotions" out again, but I think help on being more assertive, setting limits and boundaries, etc would be a good place for me to start. Also, I think just working on realistic thinking about things and situations, those will be my initial goals.
Ah Izzy, you got me rambling. All I can say is that it is good to be on the road and good to have fellow travelers such as yourself to share the journey with. (((HUGS)))
E