What is just "human"?

[Ami]

My Aunt wanted to come down,but wasn't feeling well.I told her that if I could just talk to her on the phone,that would be better.  She said ,"Be kind to yourself."
 I thought,'Another word of wisdom ",which should be obvious.
  I have to examine this feeling of being "bad" until I can get to the root of it and then let it go. I will just keep trying to face it until it leaves.
 I see that my S was like a character in Malachi Martins non fiction  book, "Hostage to the Devil".Uncle Punto and the Magic Souper was one of the short stories(non fiction)
 The character was tormented by voices. They started "small",but then kept prodding him to kill himself.
  I think that the root of this was that feeling of being 'bad", that I always talk about.
 I see that I feel "bad" for thoughts that I think are 'bad". For example, when I was told about my S,I could not cry. I was numb. I thought that I was "bad" . This is one small example of a whole ,huge part of my personality, that I want to let go.I have to punish myself(pay some price in myself) for being 'bad"
 Now, is the time to let it go. It is all lies , anyway.
  When I couldn't eat, the same "forces"(lies) that were prodding my S, were prodding me---the dark side. If people don't believe   in this ,please allow me to process it in the way that *I* need to. We all have different beliefs,here.
 I need to process mine in a Biblical context.
 I have to examine,"Am I bad?"
  What is "bad"? What am I calling "bad", that is NOT?
 That is where I have to go. I need to discern the truth. It is not a "little thing" to feel this sense that you are "bad". It  has horrible consequences ,as I have seen.
  I guess the bottom line is ,"What is "bad" and what is "human"? That is the key question, I think.  Am I calling what is just 'human" as "bad"?

                                                                                               Love   Ami

[Ami]

 I was a blank slate (child) on which  an NM could 'create art" . As in brainwashing, they break down your natural protective instinsts and you ARE a blank slate. Then, the 'author" writes her 'story" on you..
 So, now I have to discern WHAT was lies and what was  truth. What is human and what is 'bad"(monsterous, inhuman).At least, a path is opening up within the darkness and a door is appearing which I can walk through..            Ami

[Overcomer]

This conversation makes me think about my cousin.  He works at a prayer ministry and everyone there is so deep.  They are always talking about deliverance and such.  Satan camps at our weaknesses and strongholds develop.  You believe those lies and even if you said you did not you have those things programmed in your mind.  So the key is to do some deliverance counseling.  Working with someone who will walk you through the steps necessary is the key.

[Ami]

Bean,
  You are so sweet!
  I think that the key to our healing is to "change" our concept of "bad' to 'human". I really do, Belinda. It is SO big--such a huge step. It feels freeing even to talk about it.It feels possible to effect change even by bringing the subject  to light. Thank you so much for your honesty,Bean.
 When you have a tragedy, what happens is that you have the tragedy on TOP of your already "nutty" things. Then, you have  the layers of nuttiness under the tragic present situation.
 Boy, do I have layers and I will share them  ALL  b/c I am desperate. Desperate and "pretty" do not go together(lol).
 When I grew up, my M was afraid of illness,b/c she had gotten TB earlier in her life. She iinstilled a fear of illness in me ,which included fear of not sleeping etc.
 Last night,I put on Bible tapes and slept.
  There are so many levels of fear. I have fear of people , approval, not being good enough, of rejection. I have  shame --out the whazoo(lol)
 So, I am having to deal with all these fears,which usually stay more dormant.
 I have let my H do two things which I should have done with him. I was selfish.I  really was.
  This feeling "bad "  IS what killled my son----- the "voice" in us telling us that we are "bad",in some way. When you have been programmed that way,it feels "real" and normal.
  My Aunt does not have this ,in an abnormal way. So, to her, I think in a strange way. To me, she does(lol). However, the fact that she does think, normally, shows me that it CAN  be done.We just have to unlock the steps that will allow us to feel that we are human and not 'bad"
  Bean, you can learn so much from dogs, can't you? 
  I will keep writing more on this subject b/c it will kill us if we don't change it. Thanks for all your kind words.   Love You, Bean      Ami

[Ami]

Dear  Bean,
 I know ,from my own emotional state, before I found the board, that I could NOT help my thinking.I was lost,underwater. The worst one was this "bad" one  that I am talking about.
  It is really scary how  the belief that you are bad becomes true--- a fact. I was there. My S was there.
  I think that we are not "bad",but human. I do not have that ,in my gut, though--not yet. I am waiting for when it reaches my gut.
  Then, my whole life will change. I will be able to relax and just "be".
 It is worth the struggle to change the 'bad" to human, Bean.      Love   Ami

PS  I think that having to be "perfect" IS  trying to run away from the "bad"--the shame. I see that I am a little less perfect in how I express myself(being vulnerable) and even with house breaking my dog(lol)
  I think that shame(feeling that we ARE bad) is the underlying issue for our healing.That is the issue that I will keep trying to face until it is gone and I am free.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  Thanks for your suggestion. It is very helpful.     Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Bean,
  You don't know what it means to me to be able to talk to you like this. "Badness " stole my son. He was a 4.0 pre-med student. He was a whiz in any geometry, trigonometry etc. He would  help with all sorts of  things around the house.I would say,"Do it tomorow.' He would say ,"No, Mom ,do it NOW."My other son rarely helps. I would tell Scott,"YOU are such a good help." He would say,"It is just that the other one(older son) is such a POOR help.'Scott volunteered at a soup kitchens,Habitat for humanity on Sat mornings, and  teaching  inner city kids ,math. 
  We had so much fun ,together.
  "Badness " overwhelmed him and he believed it.
  Bean, we have to keep facing the truth about ourselves ,until we become "human'--NOT bad-----in memory of Scott--21 years old.
                       Love   Ami
 

PS  I  called my Aunt . My cousin told me that she had to go to the hospital last night. She had a type of stress related amnesia , where she could not even  remember simple life facts.
  My cousin said that she takes everything in . I did not know this. I thought she was so 'balanced" and could deal with things so well.She lost it when she heard about my son. She did not even remember talking to me.
   I put her on a pedestal and idolized her so much that I did not see that she was human ,too,