Anger

[Ami]

I am so angry at my H . I never took drugs,but I feel like I had a drug trip where ,all of a sudden, you see your whole life ,with clarity, almost in an instant. People jump from high floors when this happens(lol)
 I saw my life, in patterns.
First, my M denuded me.I took on all the pain, shame, guilt, fear for her. That made me "ready" to do the same for him.Also, to top it off, they colluded against me together ,for years(until after the Janet thread when I "beat" them both down)
 My H still wants to destroy me.  I saw it all today, as he tried to collude with my parents ,again, against me, but my M will not do it anymore.My M DID change, strangely enough.
 My H is like the dog who will always  jump on the sofa ,unless you beat him with a whip. I am the "human whip" that has to keep beating him down.
 I must be able to see all this reality, at one time, or I wouldn't.
 How I can come out of ALL this denial so fast and lose my son at the same time is quite a feat. Somebody up there must have a lot of confidence in me(lol)                 Ami

[alone48]

I sometimes wonder if they really set out to hurt us or just don't know any better, it's been a pattern so long. My ex N could see everything I supposedly did to him, but nothing he did to me. Has your N been supportive at all through this? Scott was his son too, am I correct? I am glad that your mother has stepped up for you....! Hang in there you are wonderful.

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
  My H does not realize any of the patterns that he is replaying-. *I* do, though, so it puts me in a strange universe ,where nothing is the same .
  I stepped in to a new dimension with different rules, while he is still in the same old one. My M has stepped up to the plate ,in an amazing and supportive way. She will not side with my H against me ,anymore.
 She,also, cares that I grow and become whole.She values the relationships which are precious to me.
  She slips, at times, and is not good to me, but she doesn't have to do it perfectly and I have to have enough core not to NEED her approval so much. These are works in progress.
  My H does not realize that he is trying to destroy me. He feels that he is good to me. He is ,in some ways,but with the other hand, he is trying to strip me of myself, so what is my life worth without my soul.
  He has no awareness of the whole thing, though.
 He tried to make Scott shine for HIM. Scott tried to do it and that pressure was too much. My H never wanted to hurt Scott. He loved him so much, but my H's deep patterns  propelled him to hurt Scott and me.
  My M says that it is like a Greek Tragedy, where your  patterns drive you to destruction-----bleh.
  I just hope to find my core. That is my goal and my deepest personal  desire . Thanks for being there and responding.  Love.         Ami

[Gaining Strength]

My H still wants to destroy me.  I saw it all today, as he tried to collude with my parents ,again, against me, but my M will not do it anymore.My M DID change, strangely enough.

Ami - do you feel like detailing how he colluded with them and how your mother has changed?