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Trying to believe in myself, but it's hard

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cplummer:
As I walk through my pain and recovery; so much is coming up.  I feel as if I'm uncovering 8 years of my own denial in my marriage.  I didn't tell anyone what was really going on; often I think I really didn't think it was that bad.  I told myself over and over again, it was part of the package,  or it would get better if I just moved where he wanted or just didn't bother him when he was stressed or I just didn't take vacations anymore so I wouldn't be trapped in an abusive episode, or what can I do with myself to fix this whole problem, going to years of counseling to look at me and what I could be doing to cause all of it.  Even as I write this, i feel the years of my life erode away more and more into getting lost in him, in his abuse, losing myself and who i was.  There's still this little piece of me that creeps in from time to time and says; Caroline,  was it really that bad?  Couldn't you have just held it together for the boys?

But the uncovering of the denial brings me back to the truth and that is painful.  so many memories of things that happened that I just "accepted" or became used to are sort of haunting me now, as if they just want to get out.  I'm recognizing the extreme codependence I had with this man, and I'm trying to get to the bottom of that with my own therapy now.  But it is still as if, so much of the time, I'm still living in HIS reality and not my own  "This is all your fault!  I  will not apologize for anything!  I can't believe you are doing this to our family!  You f------bitch!  I only call you that when you deserve it!  Set the timer if you want to talk to me!  I just have all of this stuff running through my head.  I think i just need to keep working through all of these horrible memories--encounters that I tried to convince myself were ok.

The other big piece for me--I told no one.  I hid it all.  As I start to open up to a few people, I feel like they think I'm nuts.  They know this wonderful father and charming man.  And then I start feeling myself get caught in the trap of caring too much what others think--something that's driven me to stay in my marriage for as long as I have.  How will anyone believe me?

I know, at the end of the day, I need to believe in myself.  I know that's what's this whole recovery process is about.  I know that my lack of it, was why i got involved in my  marriage in the first place.  I know I'm on the right path.  It's just one of those lonely nights.  the 4th of July.  Imiss my beloved sister.  My two little boys are with their Dad in Minneapolis visiting his family.   I just needed to express.  Thanks for listening.

Ellie:
cplummer
I hear your pain and cries. We've all been there. It's so painful when the memories flood you and you are lonely. There's no more lonely place than trying to tell someone who cannot understand our past, and they look at us as if we are crazy. It's all such a lonely planet, this world we live in, our world we have created called survival. But we all take it a minute at a time, and minutes turn into hours and hours turn into days, and somehow, we find we have survived yet another year. Hang in there. We are listening, Keep on sharing, keep getting it out.

write:
There's still this little piece of me that creeps in from time to time and says; Caroline, was it really that bad? Couldn't you have just held it together for the boys?

oh sweetie, so many of us have been there, and isn't it the myth of marriage/ family life to deny and recreate reality....

Comfort yourself that you are truly strong and therefore unwilling to be part of the compromise that afflicts western society and weakens real relationships.

I LOVE the relationships I have created in the years since I turned my life upon its head....I love the way that they are what they are, not trying to fit a pattern...and that nothing is wrong these days...it just IS

( Byron Katie's book Loving What Is is a good book for anyone at this stage of development.
Here's the website http://thework.org/intro.html )

But some nights are lonely, sometimes we're unfulfilled...never mind; it shows we have the capacity to be filled, the ability to share of ourselves.

Also much of life shows us- we need patience.

Max:
Caroline

I'm so sorry you are going through this.. but keep going.  I am doing it now after 28 years of marriage.  I am still getting the same questions - couldn't you hold it together for the boys at least?

Hold what?  Hold the abuse? What exactly were we supposed to hold together?

I wish I could have the 20 years back that I "held it together" that are still open for you.

Hugs

cplummer:
I wake up to a new day, filled with sunshine and just a litte more strength--2 steps forwards...1 step...Thank you for your affirmations and for understanding my human weakness too.  As much as it hurts some days--and especially some nights or holidays when I don't have my little boys--I do so believe what all of you have said about --My life will turn around for the better!  It is alreay happenening and I can feel it.
I actually saw Byron Katie live and she was wonderful.  I need to go on her sight and order her book. Thanks for this reminder.  And Yes, I am happy to be creating in our Western society the role model (for other women and my bys) of a woman/frined/mother who is kind and loving to others, and to herself.  Have  a great day.

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