Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Trying to believe in myself, but it's hard

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bunny:

--- Quote from: cplummer ---"This is all your fault!  I  will not apologize for anything!  I can't believe you are doing this to our family!  You f------bitch!  I only call you that when you deserve it!  Set the timer if you want to talk to me!  I just have all of this stuff running through my head.  I think i just need to keep working through all of these horrible memories--encounters that I tried to convince myself were ok.
--- End quote ---


On this basis alone, I would advocate leaving him for your boys. Otherwise they will think that women are abuse-tolerators, and this will affect their adult relationships. You did the right thing. It must be difficult to have a holiday weekend without your sons, but you are with a very interesting and nice person - yourself!

bunny

write:
be who you feel you need to be!

lynn as guest:
Wow Caroline, can I relate to your feelings.   It is so tough to refind your footing and feel confident in your new direction.  

As I look back on my marriage and try to make sense of it all.... It is amazing how your words describe my feelings... One thing that I think I understand from reading about Ns is that they are always changing things up, twisting things around so that you are confused by the situation, questioning your own self.  
--- Quote ---I can't believe you are doing this to our family! You f------bitch! I only call you that when you deserve it! Set the timer if you want to talk to me!
--- End quote ---
 I imagine that after an episode like this one, you were left confused, shaking, wondering if you really did do something wrong.  Now, when things are difficult it may be a challenge to get those tapes to stop running in your mind.

As I proceed with this divorce, and piece by piece take apart the things in my life and divide them into one pile for him and one pile for her, I find that I continue to have compassion for my soon-to-be-xH.  That I worry about his mental stability and that I should make choices in the divorce which give him a more solid foundation.  I, too, have asked myself if it was so bad?  The tricky part, is that it was not bad all the time.  There were never wonderful moments, but when my NH would justify his behavior to me, I could buy into the argument.  He did provide for the family, care for his children....  

Caroline,  this divorce has been so difficult for me.  Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it.  Then I reflect on what you describe as "feeling yourself erode away."  And I conclude that as difficult as this is, I would rather die trying, than slowly, painfully, die a little bit each day.  

You sound much happier in your second post.  I'm glad that the sun came out and you felt stronger to face your day.  You're taking the right steps,

All the best,

lynn

BlueTopaz:
cplummer:

I loved what everyone said, and have gained some support from it as well.

Having dated someone with strong N traits in areas, I can relate to what you wrote.   Wondering why and how I could have distorted reality and seen certain things as okay.   I'm trying to get behind all that to the root of thinking/beliefs/fears that allowed it.

Like you, I also hid the reality from people.   We live hours away from my closest friends & family, so it was easy in the practical (not emotional) sense.   It was probably much harder for you, and much more stressful living this dual reality, if you and your x husband were very much part of your community amongst friends & family.    This must have been so difficult and stressful for you.

At this point, almost a year out of it, I have only spoken in generalities about it, with very few friends & about two family members.  

The way I see it, it is just impossible to relay all of the many intricacies of our relationship with N individuals, and why we remained in them so long,
to others.   I don't even understand it all myself yet!    So, on top of all else in my trying to heal, understand, and move past it, I don't want to complicate things by having to counter other's misunderstandings, deal with probing questions, or strange reactions.

For now, I have saved long discussions of the deepest truths for trusted others in a counseling environment.

Maybe someday, when I've worked it all out, I will be able to sum the whole thing up and be able to tell it in a way that others (ones I choose to discuss it with) understand quickly.  

It might be different for you in terms of pressure to explain, as you say he looked like such a nice, upstanding man, and people have commented on why you haven't stayed together.  

I don't think you owe any explanations,  if you'd rather not, that is.  You can simply say that the situation was far, far more complex than anyone realizes, and for now, it is a private issue that you are working through.  

For those close to you (i.e. family) that might ask you, you can always add on to it that maybe one day you will be able to share more of the truth with them, but right now you are trying to pick up the pieces, and heal for yourself.    

Hopefully, they will trust you, and be patient, and non judgemental.

What else can one do?    

Unless you have a very special friend or family member that you know will not judge you, & will just listen & support you, maybe sharing it with non understanding & negative others might even impede the healing process.  

"cshf" -- I wondered what that was...   I think you are doing very well at it!

My thoughts are with you, and I wish you strength.

cplummer:
It is so interesting to me and such an "aha" as to how we can see ourselves through the mirrors of others who have gone through all of this.  We find it difficult to see it for oursleves, but when others chime is and say  "this is wrong" "you're dong the right thing" " I have lived this way too"!  What a healing experience..to finally let your secret out and still not quite believe and then have all of these amazing human beings come out of the woodwork and say;  "You're on the right path!!"  

And you are too, Lynn and Blue Topaz.  Lynn, yes, my life was eroding away month by month, year by year.  so is yours.  You are doing the right thing. Also remember, we tolerate more and more and the abuse gets worse and worse over time--so they can continue to get their power fix.  This is your future!!  More and more, worse and worse!  You are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids.

I am a Christian and I will say a prayer for each one of you and this board tonight.  Bless You.

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