Can a N feel 'true' attraction?

[gardener]

But the comments are the hooks they often use to find a way in. He's probably just trying out a selection of tactical hooks to see which one finds a way through.  It's hard not to react, but keep the shield up and watch him change to another weapon if that comment doesn't give him the kick-back he's looking for. It's interesting to keep a log of the different tools they think they have. It's almost as if they instinctively know exactly how to find the way to undermine you. Fog him..... if you can.

[Anonymous]

"Not good enough", "not good enough..."  dammit, I *am* good enough!  LOL!  His comments just really struck at me hard!  I've never said or did *anything* unkind to him or anyone in the family.  It's not like I'm an addict, sleep around, or do *anything* to warrant this comment (I'm kind of boring, actually).  Sh..t, I even am mother to his two nieces and one nephew.  How can he say that to my H who has never said anything bad to me about his brother in his life?  I know, he's a N.  A classic,  it's all about him, has no empathy, doesn't give a rat's a$$ about anyone but himself N.  But d@mn!  This comment still hurts!
-El

If it makes you feel any better,

(1) The comment is a projection of how your BIL feels about himself. He envies his brother. He had to say something bad because he hates the world.

(2) Your BIL said it mainly to bait your H and create problems between you.

(3) Your BIL couldn't manage to seduce you, so he felt rejected and 'not good enough.'

(4) Your BIL is trying to hurt your H through you, either through seduction or insult. You are just the means to an end.

(5) Spouses should NOT repeat negative comments to their partner that they've overheard. Instead they should tell the insulter to shut up. Repeating the nasty comment is passive aggressively hostile to the partner! I've done it and I know it's wrong. And my H has relayed comments to me and I didn't like it. My H and I are trying not to repeat what our relations have said. It's trying to create a 'you and me against the world' feeling, but it's too hurtful to hear what relatives are saying. The price is too high.

bunny

[el123]

gardener,  

Good idea to keep a log!  Think I'm going to do that.

bunny,

Your reasons why my BIL made that comment *did* make me feel better!  I hope that you are right about it being his issue and there's nothing wrong with me (my fear!  One I have struggled with literally all of my life.  My BIL definately struck a nerve with his comment).  Thank you.

Spouses should NOT repeat negative comments to their partner that they've overheard

I agree with you here.  He wasn't going to tell me what my BIL said.  Wasn't going to even tell me that BIL called him.  The reason he did tell me is b/c we are in marriage counseling together (started because of all of this cr@p).  And he is working on honesty regarding his family right now.  In the past (before counseling) he would *never* have told me about this.  In fact, his mom and brother used to tell him to keep things secret from me and this created all sorts of problems for us when I'd find out.  So he promised to *never* to do this again as I was thinking about divorcing him b/c of it.   I had asked him if he had spoken to any of his family members recently and he said that yes, he had spoken to BIL.  I asked what they talked about.  He told me but omitted the stuff BIL said about me.  I had a feeling there was more so *I* pressed him on.  He at first said "no, that's it".  But I could sense that there was more (I'm very perceptive this way) so I kept pressing (should I not have done this?).  So then he *very reluctantly* told me.  He felt really badly about it.  Is that normal?  I have a very hard time figuring out what is 'normal'.  

-El

[kizmet]

EL said:

Not good enough", "not good enough..." dammit, I *am* good
enough!

His comments just really struck at me hard!

I know, he's a N. A classic, it's all about him, has no empathy, doesn't give a rat's a$$ about anyone but himself N. But d@mn! This comment still hurts!

May I put open for your thought, that this is bothering you so much because it is tapping into some of your own self doubts/limited beliefs, and fears about yourself.  

On some level you are fearing what he says is true.   It is the only way it could affect you so much.  

It may not even be related to your husband, but really to general feelings that you struggle with of not being good enough.

We all have our areas of self doubt and are extremely sensitive to comments that hit that bullseye in us.

Pay no mind to N's comments (they are irrelevant) and work on feeling like the worthy and deserving person that you truly are.

[Anonymous]

I asked what they talked about.  He told me but omitted the stuff BIL said about me.  I had a feeling there was more so *I* pressed him on.  He at first said "no, that's it".  But I could sense that there was more (I'm very perceptive this way) so I kept pressing (should I not have done this?).  So then he *very reluctantly* told me.  He felt really badly about it.  Is that normal?  I have a very hard time figuring out what is 'normal'.

It was a tough situation. Your H had a history of keeping secrets, so he was almost forced (by his past transgressions) to cough up this ugly comment. He probably shouldn't act evasive as you will catch on to that immediately.

bunny