oh I was awake at 5.30, cried a river of tears already and felt better. Guess I need a release of sorts...it has been a busy few days ( months/ decades )
The hope of spring. I like the changing seasons.
Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.
-Alexander Pope,
An Essay on Man, Epistle I, 1733
When I was crying this morning I thought 'I'm ready to go home' which is strange for me, I don't really believe in an afterlife as such and 'home' was not a place of happiness or comfort for my childhood. I don't even want to live back in England, which I fondly think of as 'home'.
I wonder if Valentines Day is liek the 'threshold for solitude' idea- best avoided.
It's very symbolic for me, my whole life has been devoid of romantic love or marital happiness, all 25 years of those relationships. It does tip me over into my mother's prophecies- another
don't go there' place!
Oh well, I have a whole day off, something good will happen later.
Yesterday was good until seeing church guy actually, I think I must stop having expectations around unkind people. He's always like this, it's nothing personal.
Ex was also back to obnoxious last night, I was a bit unsympathetic. His blood tests came back normal, I didn't say it but I thought 'carry on the way you are and they soon won't be' and I guess I porjected the sentiment out! But he wouldn't heed the pre-diabetic warning until he was diabetic, the heart warning until his heart is enlarged. My friend said yesterday 'he's committing suicide' and I thought, yes, he is, with the maximum of fuss.
I have to toughen up against him on this too, it can break your heart watching a person drink themself to death.
Hope everyone is doing okay, love to everyone
~Write
