Divorcing a Narcissist

[concernedsister]

Any advice or book recommendations on divorcing a N.  My sister has three chilren all under the age of 8 and it became apparent that he is a narcisst earlier this year.  (It has shed a great deal of light on our family history - our father behavior can now be explained becuasehe is a narcissists, both grandfathers probably were).

Anyhow, they'll be gettnig a divorce, its only a matter of time.  I'm very concerned becuase he makes up the most outlandish lies about her AND believes them.  During a really bad time he even told them to me, her sister, who knows the real story.  He is has been playing games with the children and has been very clear with her he's taking them AND the house.  This from a man who refuses to take care of them!

How does she protect herself and the girls, both financially and emotionally.  He's already destroying the girls emotionally, how can she stop the destruction?

[Anonymous]

You and your sister might find this interesting:

http://www.tao-of-divorce.com/contents.html

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hello,

You may also want to go to www.bpdcentral.com and take a look at the writeups and reviews of their new book:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist

You might also want to look up something called Parental Alienation Syndrome on the Internet to see how your sister can protect her relationship with the kids while moving forward.  She needs to act now to prevent them from being brainwashed by her H.  

Ask her to sit down with her kids and tell them to trust what they see, and how people treat them, not what they hear.  Tell them ahead of time they're going to hear all kinds of weird stuff.  This is not to point fingers but simply to tell them how to know who to trust and to trust themselves first.  Sad, but needed in a situation like this.  Tell them it is OK to love two people who may not love each other (H may put on a really good show during the divorce plans...)  Do not badmouth the dad.  This may push them away, not pull them closer.  Let them come to their own conclusions.

Good luck to you and your sister.  Seeker

[femfree]

There are 4 pages of links here about the gauntlet run of divorcing a narcissist here.

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/divorcecustodylinks.msnw

You ask the important question of how to stop the destruction and that will be with careful planning and documentation and proof of abusive behaviour - in the public and in private - showing the differences and she will need to involve therapists, guardians ad litem and lawyers, of course.

The best strategy for Targets of their Blame is to take a very Assertive Approach – to quickly provide credible factual information to the court and to try to be as perfect as possible in every way during the court process.
SPLITTING – Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist
by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

Do not tell others that you have diagnosed a personality disorder in your spouse. You are not qualified to do so, and this escalates resistance to any cooperation whatsoever. You may discuss “possible patterns” with a therapist or evaluator. But let the evaluator make the diagnosis or explain the pattern to the court without giving it a name.
SPLITTING – Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist
by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

Dr. Sam Vaknin's COPING TOOLKITS
Coping With Your Abuser by Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html
Abuse Recognition and Management  
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse.html
Dynamics of Spousal Abuse Series
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html

The more preparation, proof and an assertive approach work best.I am so glad she has you in her corner. A solid front such as this often does the bully in completely.

Learn as much as you can as fast as you can and protect yourself financially and emotionally.


Best wishes
femfree
(financial & emotional freedom)

If I asked you what children need in order to be psychologically healthy, you would probably answer: love and attention. Of course, you would be right--love and attention are essential for every child. But, there is a third psychological need critical to the emotional well-being of children: "voice."
Giving Your Children Voice, Dr. Richard Grossman
http://www.voicelessness.com/parenting.html