Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
trembling!
OutOfLurkMode:
Dear sjkravill,
I'm in & out in this forum, and I felt compelled to come out of lurk mode to reply to this.
In the midst of all you are going through, I wouldn't concern yourself with messages that you find antagonzing, and especially getting into explaining why they antagonized you. I think you were very wise not to become explanatory last time around.
If it were me, I'd simply let these things flow into the wind & disappear, and focus on the most important issues in life, now (which I'm sure you are doing).
You can save your writing time and emotional energy for the exchanges that fit well with your spirit, and let go of what you feel doesn't suit you.
For what it is worth, I also felt the same as you regarding the e-mail you were speaking about (and the 2nd for that matter). To me only (my "opinion"), it lacked diplomacy, seemed cavalier, and all of the assuming about you & your life (in very private areas as well), felt inappropriate.
People have dif. writing styles and the writer says this was not their intent. But if the writer knows they have offended someone, particularly someone in a very, very shaky place emotionally at that time, whether unintended, a simple "I'm so sorry you were offended" instead of "explain to me why you were offended in detail-I don't see it- I cant' say sorry now", would go a long way.
However, it would require the writer's empathy. The ability to step outside of themselves (it isn't about them) for a moment, and consider the vantage point of someone else.
If the writer does not reconize this, I guess it is just a matter of "agreeing to disagree". No point in getting hooked into arguments. That is why I will not be commenting to any remarks made on this posting.
I simply wanted to relay these things to sjkravill, and also my hope that she is doing well.
bunny:
--- Quote from: sjkravill ---What do I love about him? He has a very sweet, romantic side. He just sent me a mixed CD for our anniversery of all of the love songs that remind him of me. He can say the kindest things about me. Sometimes I am sure he is crazy about me. I am attracted to how clever he can be (when he is in a non-sadistic way). He goes to great lengths to make me laugh. I am attached to him too... because I know him so well. I know his suffering and I care about him deeply.
--- End quote ---
I take it at face value that he is crazy about you. You still have to decide whether or not he is qualified as a life-partner for you.
I'm wondering how sadistic he is. My H has been emotionally sadistic to me when he felt cornered. I thought he was being immature and defending himself in a primitive way. His sadism was brought up in therapy and he was confronted about it. I also had to acknowledge my own sadism which comes out sometimes. So my question is, how serious is the sadism, and how typical of his personality is it? Does he enjoy it? Does it feel normal to him? Does it ever make him feel guilty? This is a significant couples therapy topic.
--- Quote from: sjkravill ---Of course, there is also the fantasy of being independent and free. I don't know why marriage and independence have to be mutually exclusive in my mind.
What does being free in marriage look like? Good question. I wish I could articulate it. H convinces me that he wants that for me. So, I start to think I am expecting too much. He is benevolant and hoping the best for me, and I am only holding myself down. Truthfully, I don't know what I mean by that.
--- End quote ---
Being married is not being independent. You can't do whatever you want, whenever you want. You may be confused about the difference between autonomy and independence. Autonomy is about having authority over yourself and making decisions regarding yourself. Independence is more about doing whatever you want and answering to no one. In marriage, I am independent *within limits*. But marriage doesn't limit my autonomy.
--- Quote from: sjkravill ---Why can't I make the appointment for counseling? Because I need to be convinced that he is committed. I don't know if the suggestion was only a calculated attempt to get me happy again.
--- End quote ---
How about making an appointment and asking this question in front of the therapist? If you want your marriage to work out, you may have to take a pro-active stance. It sounds like you're either testing him (I think he's failed the test already so why bother continuing it), or passively waiting for him to do something.
take care,
bunny
bunny:
--- Quote from: Portia ---This is what I think I know about sjkravill.
--- End quote ---
Portia,
I love ya but I can see how this rubbed her the wrong way. It would have done this to me as well.
your friend,
bunny
nassim:
I know this isn't a spitting contest (I left out the other more vulgar version), but I don't waste my time being offended because it gives your power to another person. It really doesn't matter what another person says or does, if it has no truth, it shouldn't touch you. If it has truth, maybe you should examine deeper.
Many of us give apologies too easily without asking questions. We have been conditioned by Ns and others that we are always wrong. I think it's a healthy thing for Portia to ask for clarifying information before she gives an apology. That way she won't feel hijacked so to speak.
I'm not saying anyone is a N here. Please don't misunderstand that. Sjkvrill did say she needed help. I see a lot of people giving good advice. "LOVE" shouldn't be that trying. If it is, perhaps something is wrong. S is young and has no kids. Better to know the truth now while there is still time. And the truth sometimes does hurt. Maybe that should be more of an indicator than what any one poster says. I think everyone knows by now that Portia has a great heart.
And I wish sjkvrill the best with trying to reconcile this relationship.
Nassim
renee:
To everyone,
Hi. I just want to point out that just because someone gets offended doesn't mean the "offender" necessarily did anything wrong. I have had experience with people who get offended very easily and have learned that this is more about them than anyone else.
I am not saying that sjkvrill did anything wrong either. If someone says they are offened, I do think it's something they should explain IMO. If not, the other party can't defend themselves. It's just a fair thing to do.
Renee
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