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Coming face to face with my NMother

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Michelle:
I haven't spoken to my mother in over 3 months.  I am finally ok with this and moving on successfullywith my life.  I was not planning to have any communication - verbal or otherwise - with my mother at this time.

I called my brother this afternoon on his cell phone.  It rang a few times and then his wife answered.  I said, "Hey, what are ya'll doing?" She said "HEY!!!!! (almost excitedly screaming)  We're just sitting here visiting with Michael and Amanda (My brother and his wife)".  Confused, I asked "Who is this?"  And she said " :shock: "YOUR MOTHER" :shock: I was standing in the laundry room putting clothes in the washer when she said this.  I fell back against the wall and slid down into a little pile like a scared animal.  I could hardly speak or breathe because I could physically feel my throat closing up a little.  I managed to squeak out "I called to talk to Michael".  She said "Well don't you want to talk to your mother?"  I said "No".  There was a huge silence (seriously about 20 seconds) and then Michael answered the phone.  This is the weirdest part to me:  Her tone the entire time was like it was Christmas - that sweet sappy tone that people use sometimes when they are truly giddy over something.  Almost like my little girl's "sweet baby" voice.  When Michael answered, I was out of breath and shaking by that time so I told him I would talk to him later and immediately hung up.  Then I started sobbing uncontrollably and was really shaking up a storm.  I ran and found my husband and told him the whole story.  He was so proud of me and hugged me and just validated that he knew how hard that was, etc etc.  A few minutes later her husband called and left this message "Michelle, I don't know why you are treating your mother this way but I want you to know if your goal is to crush her you have.  I pray to God that you will just call her.  She loves you and those babies.  She loves all of you."  Now, in hindsight I want to know how did my mother get control of their phone?  She is a bully, so I can totally see her grabbing it or just seeing that it was me and answering it without their permission.  I dread to think that my sister in law or my brother would allow her to answer it because they both know of the current situation and have seemed supportive.  

But now in the aftermath of that episode, I feel very unsettled.  I feel really proud and happy that I was able to stand my ground and go up against her one on one.  I have never done that with her in person.  So I definitely feel like that was a step of growth for me.  But I tried to explain it to my husband this way:  The feeling that I had when I heard her voice was the same feeling I would get if I were in a dark alley and saw a shady figure walking toward me with his hand in his pocket and something mysterious in it.  That out of breath, heart racing, nauseating anxiety.  Now, in the aftermath I feel very unsettled.  The feeling that you have when something very troubling happens and it takes a few days to get back to "normal".

When I hung up, I felt so sad and I'm not sure why.  Was it because I miss her?  I don't think so.  I don't really miss her - in fact - my life has gotten much better since I cut her out of it.  Was it because I didn't like hurting her and having a confrontation?  I think so.  Was it because I am still afraid of her?  Absolutely yes.  My husband asked "Why are you so sad" and I replied "My heart literally hurts.  It hurts to have to do that."

I learned some things from this conversation:  That I am much stronger than I think I am (I stood up to her in person for the first time ever without budging or losing control of myself); That this is what I need to do at this time (I had such a strong physical reaction to even hearing her voice that I confirmed that we can't have contact right now - maybe ever again); That she is 100% the same (She answered the phone like we were best friends - and her question "Don't you want to talk to your mother" - takes the cake.  If I wanted to talk to her I would answer her calls and emails wouldn't I?); That this is a really hard road and I need to let myself continue to feel any pain that may come my way; How important it is to have continuous sources of support (my friends, husband, this board) to hold my hand when bad things happen and celebrate with me in my successes.  To let me know that things are ok and I am making the right decision.

I appreciate you all so much.  Big hugs tonight for everyone hurting.

Love, Michelle   :cry:

Anonymous:
Michelle,

Sheesh. It had to be traumatic to suddenly talk to your mom. It seems that in your family guilt is the currency (I can relate to that). Guilt is a powerful thing. I can't overestimate it; I have wanted to kill myself out of guilt, thinking it was the only way I could expiate the so-called crimes I'd committed.

You did okay. Your mother needs to question herself and why her daughter doesn't want to talk to her. Everyone so quickly blames you without reflecting on the big picture. That doesn't make you wrong. It makes them unreflective and in denial.

bunny

Anonymous:
Hi Michelle,

I must applaud you for handling this blindsiding maneuver of your mother's so well.   You handled it like a professional SWAT team taking out a sniper.  Way to go!


--- Quote ---Was it because I didn't like hurting her and having a confrontation? I think so. Was it because I am still afraid of her? Absolutely yes. My husband asked "Why are you so sad" and I replied "My heart literally hurts. It hurts to have to do that."
--- End quote ---


She ambushed and confronted you, not the other way around.  Of course it hurts, but you didn't put yourself or her in that position.  And when it didn't turn out the way she wanted, that she actually lost face and embarrassed herself in front of your brother and his wife, well, of course hubby has to come to the rescue.  Again, many hugs and pats on the back for  holding your ground!   You sure surprised her even though she tried to catch you off balance.  If the sound of her voice causes you that much stress, there has to be a valid reason.  

Kudos for protecting yourself and honoring your feelings.  Tell her husband you are allergic to abuse.   :roll:   Hugs, Seeker

les:
Michelle - here is to courage, knowing what is right for you, trusting yourself, trusting your feelings and instincts and taking action to take care of Michelle!

I can't underscore enough how important these steps are even if they leave you temporarily slumped in a laundry pile.  I spent a few years withdrawing from my mother and only now with the help of the board, friends and therapy can I take her on but  first I needed to create lots of mother- free space to let the traumatized child emerge safely.

You mentioned your throat closing - this happened to me in a prolonged way, eventually resulting in surgery. There was nothing physically wrong, just decades of unexpressed feeling. Our bodies know always know what's up.  

My mother seems to have 3 voices, including the "baby voice" -perhaps 3 personalities too I don't know. Never know who is up to bat.

That dark alley -I know that too. Once I was alone at a cottage in the wilderness overnight. I was terrified. I tried to imagine the worst that could happen. Big bears, well that's scary, my mother knocking on the door - god, I freaked out! - nothing could make me feel more trapped. Learned something that night!

I send my support and fervent wishes that you continue to create and surround yourself with all the space you need.

Les

mighty mouse:
Michelle,

 I don't really miss her - in fact - my life has gotten much better since I cut her out of it.

As someone who has also cut my mother out, please believe me when I tell you that you will only get better and better. It's been over a year since I have made the firm decision to not talk with my Mom on the phone or in person. I will answer a quick email now and then in short, matter of fact sentences that give her no info.. But that's it.

It's been a wonderful year of emerging safely (as Les said), and it's been so good I wish I had done it long ago. But I guess I wasn't there yet and you do need to be ready. Please don't second guess yourself. Even if your siblings don't quite understand or support you, please don't look back. I think you did the absolute right thing and I applaud you!!!!!!!!!

P.s. I don't miss my Mom either.

MM

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