The Struggle to Feel OK When Everything Outside Tells You that You are Not

[Ami]

Thank you Leah ,Nogadge and Kelly,
  I appreciate your posts,so much.
 I am coming out of denial, which is very good,but it hurts and has  it's own grieving.
 Kelly, you are right about time being a healer. Even in 5 weeks, I can see that time does bring healing.
  I am seeing how destructive my M is ,loving me with one hand, destroying   me with the other.  I get paralzyed and am the perfect candidate for abuse.
  Ann read the characteristics of an abused woman. She said that you doubt yourself, terribly. You see yourself, AS the abuser does. You blame yourself.
 I see that my H is playing out warped FOO patterns.His father was very abusive to his mother(emotionally) His brother is very abusive to his wife. His wife was abused by her F,so it goes on and on,until, hopefully, you stop it.
 There is even an abused woman defense ,which has been used in court ,b/c they understand .
  You get  lost to your true self.It is there, but buried by lies. You  threw yourself away so slowly that you hardly noticed.
  Then, you try to find your footing, and you  are "gone".
  Now, I have to connect the parts ,again,the way they were supposed to be. I am going to do that,now. Thanks for all your love and support.         Love   Ami
 
 
 
 

[Leah]

Dear Ami,

So glad Ann kindly read out the characteristics of an abused woman to you.  It's such a great help having a one-to-one discussion on such a huge subject.  It certainly helped me, a few years ago now, having someone sit with me with a descriptive chart, it took my breathe away at the time, the reality of what was real, as in what was really happening and had happened, to me.  I had been made INVALID as a person.

Don't know if you have had a chance to read this;


Psychological INVALIDATION is one of the most lethal forms of Emotional Abuse.        It destroys confidence, creativity and individuality.

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each persons's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

A good guideline is:

We regularly invalidate others because we ourselves were, and are often invalidated, so it has become habitual.

Below are a few of the many ways we are INVALIDATED:

·   We are told we shouldn't feel the way we feel
·   We are dictated not to feel the way we feel
·   We are told we are too sensitive, too "dramatic"
·   We are ignored
·   We are judged
·   We are led to believe there is something wrong with us for feeling how we feel


I found out that an abused person has been Invalidated, just as I was, and just as you are right now.    The N's in our life Invalidated us.

Restoration is;

becoming Validated as a person -- which is part of the healing and being made whole -- digging in and finding one's authentic self.

When that work is done, then, our inner core self, our heart, our soul -- cannot be invalidated again.   

Just felt led to share of my experience, as an abused woman, who has travelled along the hard lonely journey path of healing and being, valid again.

Love to you, Ami

You don't realize how your current strength and courage, in your present situation, is such an encouragement to so many. 

Your perseverence and determination, with your obvious trust and leaning in God, will bring forth your hearts desire -- healing.

Leah x

[towrite]

(((Ami)))

I hear your pain, dear Ami. Two things come to mind

 - when I am down or hurting or scared, anyone can trigger those old tapes in my head that I'm no good. It's hard to keep them at bay 'cuz I'm weak from the pain anyway. I have learned that - if I can - I either just veg and let my mind go, or I do something that is healing. Sometimes it is so hard to do the healing thing for myself b/c the pain simply saps all my energy. Sounds like where you're at.

- when grief - a huge loss for you - deep grief, strikes, it leaves you so-o-o vulnerable. It leaves you open to all kinds of things - it's like I can't keep my zipper on the inside, I've lost my balance, my center, my strength. This is the time I have to remember to focus on the present and the grief IS the present. When my brother committed suicide, I had to do everything possible to focus on the grief and not let the old tapes become my main perspective. Like looking at one of those pictures, which they tell you to stare at, and a larger picture emerges. Your grief is the biggest thing on your plate. Others are trying to contaminate your process.

I've never lost a child and I know losing a brother isn't even close. But the only way out is always through and for me to regain my strength, there was no other way but to focus on the grief and work thru it. One thing at a time, dear, sweet Ami. I hear you right now feeling like you're drowning in those old tapes.

Please just let the grief flow through you and cleanse you. It will, even tho' it's painful. If you don't put the grief first, it will come back to bite you. Grief can do very strange things to our psyches.

Holding you in empathy.

Kate

[Leah]

Dear Ami,

There is no set in stone timescale to healing of any substance and is very much a personal journey.

Grief and grieving is truly valid for you personally, as a person.

My only personal experience with deep grief is saying goodbye to my best friend aged 30 years, who received the gift of salvation, but not healing.  She has gone home to be, to live on, with God.  In my heart I know, that my best friend and I, are only apart for a season.  That knowing and acceptance gave me peace in my heart.

Love, Leah x

[Ami]

Thank you Amber, Leah and Kate,
  I really got so much help from what you had to say. Thank you so much.       Love to You,  Ami

[nogadge]

just touching bases, how are ya doing?
nogadge

[Ami]

Thanks ,Nogadge!!!!
 I am doing much better, with the help of good friends. Thanks for caring.              Love   Ami