I've NEVER Vented In Public!

[ItsMyTurn]

Hi, everyone. Not doing too well with my emotions tonight re: my NH. I need to vent if you don't mind. I'm usually embarrassed to do so. But I guess it's about time. I'm really doing well with the tedious task of healing, but tonight, I guess from all the healing and all of what I've done for myself for the first time in my life,  I'm going to take this liberty and indulge myself!  

Under the guise of 'looking for a therapist' he's joined a few message boards and has begun posting. And guess what he's doing there? Eliciting all the stroking he can get. The man's a monster... with me. Everywhere else he's a supply junkie. You know the deal. All the right words, phrases, logical justifications, twists, spins, contortions and lies! The all! So what's he doing on the posts? Poor little thing is adding to the ends of his posts that he's 'still nervous about posting.' Aw, poor thing. Right! The guy who intimidates me while we're in the car: "One more word and I'm taking you to the police station," "One more word and you're getting out!" Of course, each reply to his posts feeds him well with "Oh there's nothing to be nervous about. You are very welcome here!"  And on and on and on....Ugh!

Forgive me.......

[Dawning]

ItMyTurn, you are very perceptive.  With N's, everything has to do with them and getting their needs met by whatever means necessary.  Don't let him do this to you.  Why would you need to be taken to the police station anyway?  

And, if I may ask, how did you find these postings of his and the subsequent replies?

It sounds like you need a break away from him.  Is that possible?

[ItsMyTurn]

Yes. Well, after 30 years, 19 married, 15 years of his failing business endeavor and the endless nightmare of 'what in God's name is this' in my gut, perception becomes heightened, doesn't it. If it smells like a rat, and looks like a rat...

Why would I need to be taken to the police station? Because I'm too big for HIS britches. Because he really is transparent. Because the Truth Buttons get hit in a conversation while driving, for instance. And the only way out for him is to piggy-back ride, place the burden of his messy wounds and the mess they make within him, on my back, and, of course, shoot the messenger. It's classic. Classic cowardly N.

My husband is what we might call 'evil.' No conscience, truely.  Sadistic and mashochistic in one spin! Aren't they all like that? Isn't that the resultant make-up of the core of every one of them?

The evil grinning glares across the room at me, the gloating...I shudder. And my shuddering makes me weak. And he sees it and takes pleasure in it and runs with it. Capitalizes on it.

He called me to his office, down the hall, as he works out of the house since he closed his store, and displayed 'proudly' his new 'ability' to post messages on message boards. All the while, malignantly hopeful as I am, never suspecting there was an NTrick involved. And there it was...'look what I wrote and how they replied, 'wife!' Certainly, I'm not the only one that is as hopeful, as, we've been trapped, or, as perceptive. It's just plain and simply, a trap we learned to See.  And depending on our Strengths, learn to crawl out of.... Yes?

[Dawning]

Why would I need to be taken to the police station? Because I'm too big for HIS britches. Because he really is transparent. Because the Truth Buttons get hit in a conversation while driving, for instance. And the only way out for him is to piggy-back ride, place the burden of his messy wounds and the mess they make within him, on my back, and, of course, shoot the messenger. It's classic. Classic cowardly N.

Good lord.  They all resort to the threat of locking us up and they try to accompish this by pushing our emotional buttons and taking advantage of our natural insecurities that are totally *human* to have.  My mother has tried this one many times.  Fu*king evil witch.   Vent here.  Don't let your NH push your emotional buttons because that is what he wants as you know.  He wants you to carry the burden and be the scapegoat for his failure to look at himself in the mirror and accept where he has screwed up in life.  NOT your problem.  Is there any way you can completely avoid getting in the car with him?  Why do these people like to try and push our emotional buttons in a car?  I remember once riding with my mother when I was...maybe 22? and a song came on the radio.  It was Hall and Oates...singing "I can't go for that...no no...no can do" and she was singing along and pointing her finger at me.  Bloody hell.  

And, in answer to your question: Yes.  

He is trying to make you the one with the problem.  Stay grounded.  You are the one who is perceptive and dealing with the truth.  He is not.

[ItsMyTurn]

Amen!

[Anonymous]

N's are selifsh, totally in love with only themselves, they are the only ones that count, everyone else on the planet is for their pleasure and enjoyment. They are truly sadistic and very sad people.  They only want what they want and if you have a need or desire then you are "crazy" or "something is wrong with you". My ex-N boyfriend was a capital N with all the I's dotted and T's crossed. He loved and I mean LOVED to get people to be emotional at any cost and he enjoyed the show!!!!!!! I really didn't understand it until I was away from him for a couple of years and only had contact by phone and he had a new group of friends for his "supply" and he picked them off one by one. He only has a girlfriend left and she is very big girl and will probably stay with him forever. He would never leave her because she foot's the bill and he doesn't have to work and he has the life he has always wanted. It is a good thing this girl is young because when she is older she will understand and then it will be to late. Most young girls I meet are very very very smart but she is unfortunately very much like me and I stayed on and off with him for 6 years because I was very native. I have learned alot and I knew in my gut something was wrong with him when I met him but I gave him a second chance. I don't give 2nd chances anymore.  He almost sucked the life out of me but God had other plans and I am glad to be alive and away from him for good. I have had no contact in anyway for almost 8 months and I have had the time of my life with just getting to know me and have fun with my kids and just enjoy life. N's never enjoy anything unless someone else is surffering. Thanks for always being there guys and gals and always remember when one door closes, a window always opens and true friends never leave you when the going gets tough! Thank you friends Have a great weekend! kelly

[Anonymous]

I'd call his bluff and be taken to the police station. I'd be interested to see what happens there.


bunny

[October]

Good lord.  They all resort to the threat of locking us up and they try to accompish this by pushing our emotional buttons and taking advantage of our natural insecurities that are totally *human* to have.  

As I read this I had a memory of a terrible 'session', except it was not scheduled, it was forced on me, when my t told me that he thought I ought to be in hospital, because of something that I had done, which he thought was so out of character it meant I should be put away.  He was really angry with me.  He made me go into his office and sit down while he told me what he thought.  

And fortunately I got angry back and just said over and over 'I am not going into hospital.'  Which he couldn't cope with.  The more determined I got, the more he thought I had lost it completely.  He was used to me being very compliant and good.  But there is a point at which it is time to stop being Little Miss Nice and turn into Little Miss Stubborn, and I did.

Never thought he might also be N, although I know he had lots of issues, and was abusive.  Now need to rethink that situation, if I can bear to revisit the scene.  

You are absolutely right in saying they play on our insecurities.  He knew my biggest fear was of insanity, and of being committed.  At that time I didn't know I had ptsd, and from the inside it often feels like you are going mad.  Now I know it is not madness, but at the time it was very scarey.

C

[ItsMyTurn]

Hi Bunny. Oh, I've called his bluff. Sometimes he goes through with it. Others he doesn't. It depends what wound breaks open in the conversation or argument. Know what's wrong there? More humiliation. They're men. And I sincerely hope the decent guys out there understand. This is a volatile subject and my intention is not to insult or harm anyone and not be welcomed here anymore. But I must be honest. Underneath their 'dedication' to their jobs and fairness and so forth, it seems most male cops are sexist. Period. The first question is "Well, what are you doing to him, (b***h)?" Perhaps many of them have one of those at home.  No, I won't stand for that humiliation, either. Nor will I give my NH the satisfaction. It's tiring, but I keep up the same flavor barrage as his, get hoarse from screaming back, poke if he pokes, insult if he insults, find the right words, through steadfastness and firmness until the infantile needs of his exhaust themselves. And then? Lots and lots of mindful breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breath out. Good grief, I'm doing alot of hyperventilating these days.....

[Anonymous]

Hello N,

Jeez, sounds like you're in a "funhouse" alright.  Just wanted to share a story to validate your perception of the police.  Don't get me wrong, I actually like the police and the protection, generally, they provide.  But they are sexist, and being a policeman fits into a traditional picture of what a man should be.  

I once witnessed a woman being thrown into a car by her neanderthal boyfriend (I found out later it was her boyfriend).  It was in broad daylight and this guy looked like a total Cretan.  When he went to get into the car, she would get out again.  She made her body rigid like a lumber board and resisted him with all her might.  I was shocked.  This went on about five times, near a phone booth.

I got the license plate number and went inside the nearest building to call the police (not as many cell phones back then).  A blond Tarzan type had already made the call and i gave him the license number info to call in again which he didn't have before.  When a cop showed up he took down our information, etc.  He and Tarzan were chatting it up he-man style.  Then the cop politely asked me if the woman was with her boyfriend.  I thought it was totally irrelevant.  So I answered, "I don't know.  All I know is she absolutely did NOT want to be in that car."  I was shaking from the shock, because as a woman, I felt it could have happened to me and it made me feel a little less than powerful.  These guys were like, yeah, ok, this stuff happens.  They couldn't relate to the threat a woman would feel in this situation.

I feel that domestic disputes are probably the most confusing situations to sort out, like two kids and "who started it?" kind of crud.  They are also the most dangerous calls for cops to answer or they used to be statistically speaking.

Anyway, N, I don't mean to invalidate or deflect your story.  I think one of the hardest things for someone living with an N is to hang onto one's own truth, the reality of it all.  NH sounds like he delights in gaslighting you.  Please do not apologize for venting.  It IS your turn.  You might want to look into books/websites about verbal abuse and find trustworthy support (like here).  I, too, am/was the victim of character assassination at the hands of an N relative.  Ns are pros at it and it will feel like you can't win against the slander.  But there are other steps you could take to hang  onto your soul.  

Just to help with the irritation of N getting supply, I told myself that other people sometimes have a need to believe the liar.  It taps into something that they need.  I also told myself that if I wanted the truth to come out, it will come out faster when neighbors got a good, close look.  NSIL wasn't so good an actress to cover her anger and knee-jerk reactions to certain situations that happen in everyday life.  She was forcing her son to join baseball which he hates and that became a very public forum for what's wrong with HER (not the boy).  

Every dog has their day, eventually.  I hope you are safe and that you find additional support.  Do you want to stay with him?  For Ns, therapy means more supply and "look how hard I'm trying" BS.  Don't hold your breath for a miracle.  Reevaluate your own needs and what you are getting from your relationship, OK?

Best of luck to you.  Seeker

[Dawning]

Lots and lots of mindful breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breath out. Good grief, I'm doing alot of hyperventilating these days.....

Have you tried breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth?  This technique was recently recommended to me.  It seems to work when you need to release something.

For relaxation, I have found that pranayana helps.  You count your inhalations up to 5.  Hold for one count.  And then exhale to a count of 5 and repeat.  It has helped me to fall asleep when I can't stop thinking.  Sometimes, I don't hold for one count.  It depends.

And when I am seriously wound up, I inhale and exhale through the mouth.  

And eat and/or drink lots of vegetables and fruits or juices.

Good luck.