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Resistance is ...futile(?)

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les:
Hi my board friends,

I wonder if you could shine a little light on a situation I'm in. As some of you may remember my Nmother is 91 and always "dying." She is actually in pretty good shape and nothing in particular is wrong. We live in the same city and I take her shopping/banking etc once a week and call usually every 2 to 3 days. (aghhhh)

I went away last week. Sometimes there is a bit of high drama when I go away (last time my husband had to rush her to the hospital...nothing wrong)

But this time the drama was waiting for me when I got back. I was full of generous impulses having been away for a week and was determined to let go of some of my more stubborn stances (like..well, she never really wants to know about me so I just won't tell her anything, harumph!! so there!)

I phoned her and right away of course I got a full report about her interspersed with, 'Oh I'm so tired of talking about myself',  and then more about herself.  I was fully prepared, even eager to tell her about my trip since I almost never do, but she never asked. She went on to tell me that a friend of hers had had a stroke and no one had found her for 2 days.  Mother  told me that her dear friend "Laura" (who calls her every day without fail, don't you know!!) is so distressed and worried about my mother because she (Laura) is going away for 2 weeks and is "begging" my mother to please call me (Les) every morning to let me know that she is still alive and well. This story went on and on and on. What pisses me off, I'm not even sure. Is it that the "good" friend Laura has to beg my mother to ask me (the 'bad' daughter) to please let her call me every day?  

THis is a variation on the two decade old theme of - you'd better call because I might die/or already be dead.  It caused enormous stress because she was always pissed off that  didn't call enough and always managed to convey her distress and anger.

I feel like chewing my arm off!  On the one hand she is old, could of course have a stroke or die. She is obviously frightened and needs some reassurance. It would be nice if this came from a family member.  I imagine that in a "normal relationship" a daughter might naturally call her elderly mother once a day or vice versa.  I am actually a reasonably kind generous person.  Is my resistance because of our history I wonder. I thought I was willing to let all that go. Or is it because once again I feel manouvered into something with yet another story about how so many people love my mother and worry about her (in contrast to the bad daughter, who never does enough and so friends must intervene )

I'm always asking myself what is fair? She is very f***ing old! We should support our old folks. She does have other systems in place as well. Another friend in her building calls every day, someone else notes if the newspaper has been taken in.

I resist, resist, resist.   I am really in touch with my miserly side. Don't quite understand why I can't  be a little more generous with my time at this time in my mother's life. I didn't say she couldn't call but I did point out all the other support systems she had in place. The past is past.. I want to let my bitterness go but can't seem to let go of...I don't know.  Any and all thoughts most welcome.

Les

mighty mouse:
Hi Les,

The Ns of the world like to gaslight and manipulate and guilt. That is their currency and nice people fall for it. Sure, your Mom is an old lady (sic) and probably does have real fears. But she has had 91 years to come to terms with getting old. It seems her old, mean self isn't failing in lucidity of the mind.

Think about the facts you mentioned....a person calls her everyday, another checks to make sure her paper is picked up. And you call every 2-3 days. Sheesh. When do you get to live? And why are you the only one who is in charge of her? She's lucky to have you.

It's hard to realize that there is no relationship with an N. They have absolutely no interest in a reciprical relationship. My sister who has NPD could never remember when I told her repeatedly that I'd be out of town and she would send me email and call and leave all these messages. When I got home I had all of these messages and I would call her back. She never asked me where I'd been (although I told her and she wouldn't remember) and expressed NO interest in me at all. It is all a one way street.

I see that the problem lies with how YOU define things. Why are you using her definitions? Just my 2 cents.

BTW I did email my Mom back a short 3-4 sentence note. I didn't buy into her "it hurts when you don't send me long, newsy emails" bit. I just told her "sorry, I don't have a long, newsy email in me" - very matter of fact. If she wants to make me a bad guy I can live with that.
 
P.s. Nice to have you back!
MM

mighty mouse:
Les,

I just remembered a story my friend in California told me. It was about an old lady who promised her nephew that when she died, he could have her house.

Well, she didn't really want to give the nephew the house and the mean, old thing lived to 117 years old!! She outlived her nephew.

I guess I'm just wondering how many years you are willing to put yourself aside for her? And just one more question. If she is really that afraid, maybe you could use this opportunity to talk with her about a nursing or elder care home again?

MM

les:
Hi MM.

I hear you. Thanks for your tell it like it is wisdom. Hard earned, I know.  Boy I fall for the poor frail me stuff because...well, it's a real possibility of course. Has the wolf finally arrived? (yes!) If she really is living in fear, then she should be in a nursing home as you point out.  I think I just wasn't quite as guarded as I usually am since I'd been away. I was feeling like I could make this relationship work a bit.

 It is a constant push pull between us. To put it bluntly, the person that would be most relieved to have her shuffle off is also the person she depends on for all the emotional stuff... I can't give her.

Before I left she wanted me to take her to the doctor because her blood pressure was too low, 150 over something, then she wanted me to take her to the doctor because it was too high, 170 over something - she takes it repeatedly throughout the day. It's so hard to untangle it all, is it real, is it another one of the thousands and thousands of bids for attention. Generally the doctor just sighs and tells her she's in fabulous shape for her age.(third doctor in the last 4 years, no one PAYS ATTENTION!! need new doctor!!) This being Canada it's easier perhaps to just get your attention needs met through going to the doctor all the time. My mother is either dying or as she said brightly last week - "The doctors should study me!" ( to find out why she is so incredibly healthy and smart etc) God, I'm tired and I've only been back a day!  

I read your post about stealing. I really felt for that little girl who couldn't ask for what she needed. I keep replaying one of the questions you posted awhile back - Why would N's have 8 children?  So does your sister still get to you or have you mostly dealt with it?

You are very level headed  MM. So you took the short, matter of fact route in your e-mail. I think you are a realist. You know what is and you keep your eye on that. I need to learn this. I keep thinking maybe people change, want closure, see the error of their ways, need a second chance. What I'm just starting to get is that full- blown N is irreversible. I need to send Polyanna (me) packing. THis woman could live to be 100 or more.  My brother and sister have already had cancer and my body does all kinds of odd things in response to all this.  

Yes, - this woman needs to come to terms with aging and being old. She's mad as hell -hasn't done any interior work at all. (oh, Polyanna said, that's right, there isn't too much interior to work with)

So how are you doing down there? Sweltering?

Thanks and if I might   :oops: ...send a hug your way.

Les

Anonymous:
Hi Les,

Yeah, we should be good to our old people, honor them, etc.  But that's when they can be gracious and grateful themselves and spread some goodwill around.  You are a good person to be so dutiful.  I feel nicer and better about myself when I offer or give something to someone rather than when they grab it out of my hand (like an N does through manipulation...)  They're such jerks and hard to love.  

The friend that died was still dead two days later (harsh to say, huh?) but that doesn't mean no one cared about that friend, for crying out loud.  Or that the friend knew any different.  I know it sounds awful, but really?  What is her point?  I think that is what might be getting under your skin is that she doesn't ask directly for what she wants and doesn't thank you when she gets it.  

Many of these stories are sounding pretty similar to mine and I just want to tell Ns to bug off!  My Ndad is also rushing off to various doctors simply because he doesn't have anything else to do and chooses this as his hobby!!  :roll: Maybe to help you with the guilt or the tendency towards guilt...write a list of all the things you do for your elderly N and why you do it.  And stick to it.  Don't listen to their noise.

I found a great new book called When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People. Great title!  I had to get it for that reason alone.  One couple had a MIL who gambled and then expected them to bail her out, pay her debts, fly to whereever she was and rescue her.  So they told her they would make one trip a year only away from their jobs and kids to help her and spend only $600/year towards her debts.  She told them to go to hell and then she went to jail/prison!!  Then she realized she had to take responsibility for herself.    
kind of extreme and off topic, except to say that anything that is done for them isn't ever enough.  I told my husband that NSIL had written enough "checks" on her goodwill account, then on my brother's.  Then the "checks" started to bounce, because there was no goodwill be deposited in our relationship.  Every encounter with her was a chance to ask for something, borrow something, insult somebody, make accusations or insinuations.  So I cut her off for "bad credit".  

So how much goodwill is left in the account?  Sounds like there is some but perhaps a low balance?  

Anyway, I'm rambling.  Hope this helps a little.  :wink:  Seeker

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