Hi everybody!
Thanks for all your comments and insights. I wasn't sure if my thread topic would resonate with anyone. Izzy, yes, I can definitely see how all my current feelings stem from low self-esteem. I've always recognized that I have no self esteem and a really poor image of myself. My past doctors have all commented on that.
Intellectually, I know that a lot of people out there have much more serious problems and ailments.....but all I seem to be able to see in this world are the people who are doing so much better than I....the people who have never struggled to find work, to find a mate, to have children...to feel good about themselves....to have real success.
Today, in our paper there was an interesting article based on this new book in which the author says we focus too much on "happiness". He claims that real happiness comes from a balance of joy and misery in life....that joy without any misery will leave us unbalanced, not wanting to push forward and improve things. I agree that balance is a good thing and people around me seem to have that...But in my case, I can honestly say I have had the misery without the joy to balance it. I do think I was the one in my family most directly affected by the NPD of my mother and sister.....I felt the most rejected, dejected and ignored. Perhaps that has contributed to my lack of self-esteem and joylessness.
So, it is difficult for me to have any hope...even if one tiny thing positive happens to me (like an impending job offer, for example), I immediately compare myself to others who didn't have to struggle for it, who are doing well and have so much more than I. The end result is I feel even more sad and depressed and hopeless. Intellectually, I know it's wrong...but emotionally I just can't seem to change it. So, I never feel I measure up or am good enough. Perhaps that comes from my famiily where my Nsister always got all the attention....and success. I can never compete or measure up. Consequently, nothing seems to matter to me....Even things that happen that I know other people would be happy about, inside, I just feel..."So what? It doesn't matter because it's not good enough...."
Alas, I know this is a life-long battle. I sometimes wonder why I am the only one in my family who has been so affected....It's ironic...because growing up...I was always the one who worked the hardest, studied the hardest...got the best grades....went out of my way for other people....Yes, I find myself the loser.....
I don't know...I do thank you for all your input and comments....It's so hard when you have no one to talk to about these things. It's nice that there are others who understand....
I understand too that it could be my life long depression continues to cloud any rational thinking patterns I may have left...When you're clinically depressed, all of life is shrouded in dark clouds...you can't see clearly....
I do wish very much that I were regarded as special.....that I could have been made to feel special by someone when I was young or even later.....I see what a difference that makes in people....My niece, for example, is cherished and lavished with attention by her parents, family and friends. At her young age, she is filled with confidence and positive self-esteem, I am just in awe....but I can also see how she came by it....Sometimes I look at her and can't help but think what it might have been like if someone had noticed me like that....
I guess all of life is a struggle....everyone has their issues, some more than others.....but still struggles...Sometimes it's hard to see that when you're surrounded by people who are successful, lucky, and happy.
Just a little vent....just really wanted to say a big thank you for your kind and generous thoughts and insights. It truly is helpful.
