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Memories and voice

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October:
I wonder if anyone has noticed something strange about bad memories - the ones where you are being destroyed by someone for something that you haven't done, that kind of thing, and you are standing there feeling as if you are disintegrating.  I don't know if it is the same for other people, but I never have any sound with these memories - the words don't get recorded, just the pictures and the feelings.

If someone later on reminds me of the angry words, they are familiar, so there is a kind of memory of them, but it is not accessible to me without this kind of prompting.  It is closed, in a way the visual memories are not.

There may be some kind of connection with voicelessness, I am not sure.  Often in these situations I try to talk and reason, but I am very aware that the words I speak make no difference whatever, as if they do not exist.

Just wondered.

Anna:
I've been told - because this is my experience - that our most traumatic (memories) dreams are in black and white.  Color would make them too real for us to handle.  I have many "holes" in my memories and no words either until suddenly I hear a phrase that's familiar and haunting.  "Keep your mouth shut....."      "You are so DRAMATIC Anna!"

I would say, yes, absolutely there is a connection October.  

My two cents -- (and you all know that even HAVING two cents has been a long, hard process!):
Often times when we experience trauma, research has shown that it gets "locked" in a separate location deep inside our brain.  The accompanying words/emotions that go with this trauma gets stored in a different place.  This is not "normal" processing.

When we encounter a trigger, that trauma can be activated as if it were happening at the present time -- when really it could have happened when we were children -- thus, explaining our "looping" behaviors and "over-reactions".  It's only when we can reconnect the trauma with the words and emotions, that we can reprocess the memories correctly and put things to rest.   At least that's been my experience ....  

I have found many many answers in my dreams.  Keep a log and give your dreams and feelings the voice they need by honoring them![/i]

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Anna ---I've been told - because this is my experience - that our most traumatic (memories) dreams are in black and white.  Color would make them too real for us to handle.  

I have found many many answers in my dreams.  Keep a log and give your dreams and feelings the voice they need by honoring them![/i]
--- End quote ---



I think there is colour in  my memories, but definitely not sound.  There are some phrases which have a life of their own, though, as you describe, usually telling me to be quiet or to go away in one way or another.

I haven't thought about logging dreams, but I think you are right about their importance.  I have noticed recurring themes, such as an old dilapidated house, which has beautiful decoration inside but is in a terrible state, and usually has a leaking or broken roof.  I always recognise this as the house of my great aunt, who is now dead, but it is always a different house; just one with old fashioned and tatty decoration, and a broken roof.  I will try writing these down to make more sense of them.

The other thing I am doing is hiding at home at present.  If I cannot be seen, then I cannot be hurt any more.  This represents a shift for the worse in my condition, but it is a choice I am making on purpose, in order to cope.  I am going to try not to go out at all unless I have to.  I've given my daughter the best summer I was able to give her, and now it is time to hide.

Anna:
I have noticed recurring themes, such as an old dilapidated house, which has beautiful decoration inside but is in a terrible state, and usually has a leaking or broken roof.  

Guest,
I think our dreams speak to our via symbolism and perhaps not concrete meanings.  Perhaps you do recognize that house as your aunt's, but have you considered the symbolism too?

Maybe the beautiful decoration inside is your 'self' and it may be in a 'terrible state' because you are struggling with some painful issues.
JMHO .....  only you can interpret the deeper meaning of your dreams based on your own life experiences, but look beyond the obvious.  

I dreamt a neighbor stabbed me.  This neighbor is my friend and peace loving -- but she represented another person in my dreams/life -- stabbing can mean betrayal....    Good luck.   :lol:

rosencrantz:
It is so sad that we (all?) end up hiding (as we grow older?).

I'm hiding, too.  And I usually think it's 'for the worse', too.

But when I read your post, I actually felt - well, it's not really.  It's a positive step.  It gives me time to be myself instead of being what my mother wants (being 'her' out in the world, leading a life she can be proud of, etc) - it's giving me time to 'regroup'.  I don't have to be pulled this way and that by other people's needs and projections and disdain and approbation.

Use the time to be 'you'.  That's a good thing - and you'll come out again that bit stronger.

And, yes.  The house is our 'self'.  I've mentioned in a previous post a bad experience with a therapist.  I had an image at that time of my  house in scaffolding.  My house collapsed and the foundations were destroyed.  I am quite, quite sure that house was 'me' and the collapse was the result of his impact on it.  I've been quite unable to allow anyone to 'interview' me since.  Jobs, radio, TV - can't do it.  Like a bone that's been broken in the same place too many times that it would fracture at a mere touch.

But what a lovely image you have - how nice to have an inner space, an inner life, so beautiful.  (Will you open the door to say 'welcome'?)  :)
R

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