Author Topic: Are we victims of a N the HEALTHIEST ones in the family?  (Read 1313 times)

Anastasia

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Are we victims of a N the HEALTHIEST ones in the family?
« on: February 20, 2008, 05:51:13 PM »
I woke up at 3:30 am last night, and came to the computer and just started punching things in the search bar like adult children of narcissists.  Upon digging around, I find more than one article that refers to the Narcissist as "evil."  Uh..I remember telling my Nmother that SHE was evil, and thinking it more often than that.  And, since she is so falsely charming to outsiders, if I ever told anyone that they would never believe me.
Also find an article on the net describing what living with a Narcissist is like, and that the victim (most of us on this board) goes thru Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) when they finally get away from the N.
I left home at 19, and when I was about 27 I started to really feel that I was finally letting go of the horrible tapes in my head that my Nmother said about me (like you're stupid, you're clumsy, dumb, fat, etc. etc. etc.). 
I have often thought that I felt as if I suffered during that 7 year period from 19 to 27 from PTSD, but here it was in black and white on the internet CONFIRMED!
Now I am wondering if we, the victims of a N, aren't often the healthiest one in the bunch in a dysfunctional family????  I know I have turned out far, far, far healthier than either of my so-called parents (Nmother and insecure and insanely jealous bi-polar stepfather).
Opinions?

Anastasia

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Re: Are we victims of a N the HEALTHIEST ones in the family?
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2008, 05:57:48 PM »
You know, I have to say this:  I feel that I have been in a deep and confusing hole about this issue for almost all my life, and I am finally coming out of the hole and understanding the ENTIRE picture of what happened and why with this Nmother. 
I know I sound like the geezer I am when I say to you younger ones out there (as I am 63), but you are so lucky to have been born in the age of the internet and access to more information.  And I am so lucky to understand everything for the last 1/3 of my life (hoping that I live to 90 like my parents). 

Gabben

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Re: Are we victims of a N the HEALTHIEST ones in the family?
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2008, 06:17:29 PM »
Hi Anastasia,

Your hole metaphor is great. Have you ever read the story about the hole in the sidewalk:

There's A Hole In My Sidewalk

Chapter One


I walk down a street and there's a big hole. I don't see it and fall into it. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to find my way out. It's not my fault !

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street. There's a big hole and I can see it, but I still fall in. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to get out. It's still not my fault.

Chapter Three

I walk down a street. There's a big hole. I can see it, but I still fall in. It's become a habit. But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately. It is my fault.

Chapter Four

I walk down a street. There's a big hole. And I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down a different street.



I could relate with all that you wrote. I have too wondered if the children of N's can grow-up to be healthier. Here is an article on the children of N parents:

http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/children_of_narcissists.htm

Excerpt:

There are, however, some other things it is pretty safe to say about the normal children of narcissists.

One is that they are likely to tolerate narcissists. When you grow up with things, you have no way of knowing that they are abnormal. You think that some people "are just like that." You're trained to tolerate it, because to do anything but is a sin. You're even brainwashed into thinking it's your fault. You have no way of knowing that everyone's home is not like yours, that you are growing up in a home headed by somebody who belongs in psyche ward.

If you are a Baby-Boomer, you didn't even get a clue from TV. You grew up watching Father Knows Best and Leave It to Beaver. Father's role reinforced your narcissistic father's superiority and infallibility by virtue of his age, size, and sex. But since TV fathers came from a different planet than yours, the threshold for suspension of your disbelief was much higher than for other people. Too high. So these shows, which challenged everyone's ability to suspend disbelief, weren't even remotely realistic to you. Never once did they make you wonder why, unlike the TV father, your father took no interest in you, never put his arm around you, never played with you, never had anything to do with you at all. That's because you never viewed TV as a portrayal of real family life. Therefore, even TV gave you no clue that other families were different, that your daddy sucked and that you had every right to what you craved. TV today is a little better at portraying normal family life, but not much.

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Thanks for your post.


Hugs ((((((((((((((Anastasia)))))))))))



Certain Hope

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Re: Are we victims of a N the HEALTHIEST ones in the family?
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2008, 07:59:51 PM »
((((((((((Anastasia))))))))))

I don't know the answer to your question, but just wanted to say that I'm so thankful, too, for the information available to us in this age.... and I'm so glad that we all were able to gather together here. 

Sometimes the irony of it all really blows me away. Because I survived marriage and divorce to a raging NPD man, I found my voice. In finding my own voice, I discovered who robbed me of it in the first place... my very N'ish parents.
And without the internet, I really don't know where I'd be today.

So... here's to another many years of health and wholeness for you and for each of us!

With love,
Carolyn

Anastasia

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Re: Are we victims of a N the HEALTHIEST ones in the family?
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2008, 08:54:26 AM »
I think, because Nparent was so rejecting and abusive, that the "separation" this caused between the two of us in some respects actually benefited me.  I didn't buy into all the messages she gave me about life (don't trust people, people are out to use you always and so forth).  Maybe I was one of the "lucky" ones in this respect?  Hmmm......I am beginning to think so.  After all, what if I had bought into all that b.s.  How crazy would I be now????  Yikes...don't even want to consider it.

Leah

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Re: Are we victims of a N the HEALTHIEST ones in the family?
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2008, 08:58:32 AM »
I think, because Nparent was so rejecting and abusive, that the "separation" this caused between the two of us in some respects actually benefited me.  I didn't buy into all the messages she gave me about life (don't trust people, people are out to use you always and so forth).  Maybe I was one of the "lucky" ones in this respect?  Hmmm......I am beginning to think so.  After all, what if I had bought into all that b.s.  How crazy would I be now????  Yikes...don't even want to consider it.

Dear Anastasia,

I truly resonate with accord -- as I did not buy into it either, mercifully.

I value and appreciate your postings - thank you.

Love, Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Hopalong

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Re: Are we victims of a N the HEALTHIEST ones in the family?
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2008, 09:16:13 AM »
Hi Anastasia,

I think: Yes.

That's the gift within the problem.

If we're lucky enough to find some knowledge and some courage, and grow up and start to heal ourselves and support others who are doing the same....

then how amazingly lucky are we?

It's like, health restored after illness engenders such gratitude.

For me, the gratitude is a tremendous, beyond-my-ability-to-articulate, GIFT.

So, when people are loving, non-abusive, tolerant, patient, kind, interested...I'm just dazzled.

So I go around finding such pleasure and gratefulness and joy in ordinary healthy people and interactions.

It just delights me, to experience the ebb and flow of community. It feels like such a GIFT.

So I don't take it for granted. So the gratitude (I don't always have it up top) makes me feel healthy and joyous.

If we survive being victims, and go on to assimilate it and reclaim ourselves, them's some happy selves, I think.

xo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

gratitude28

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Re: Are we victims of a N the HEALTHIEST ones in the family?
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2008, 09:42:10 AM »
Anastasia,
I definitely believe we are the heathiest. We have the ability to grow, to love, to feel, to care. How can we not be???
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Anastasia

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Re: Are we victims of a N the HEALTHIEST ones in the family?
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2008, 03:25:40 PM »
You guys summed it up more eloquently than I have been.  So right on you are!!!  :D