Empathy is an empowering communication skill

[Leah]

Being Mindful:

Natural mind readers ~ simulation theory states that we are natural mind readers. We place ourselves in another person’s ‘mental shoes,’ and use our own mind as a model for theirs.  Hence, stepping into the other persons shoes, and standing for a while.

There are some people, with certain behaviors, who do have an ability to 'read' people, however, with the intention of obtaining information as a resource for self;  hidden agenda, purpose and plan. 


Empathy allows us to feel the emotions of others, to identify and understand their feelings and motives, and see things from their perspective.

Empathy is a powerful communication skill that is often misunderstood and underused. Initially, empathy was referred to as ‘bedside manner.’

From wikipedia:

Empathy  is commonly defined as one's ability to recognize, perceive and feel directly the emotion of another. Since the states of mind, beliefs, and desires of others are intertwined with their emotions, one with empathy for another may often be able to more effectively define another's mode of thought and mood. Empathy is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or to in some way experience the outlook or emotions of another being within oneself, a sort of emotional resonance.

Empathy is also a concept recognized as "reading" another person, completely translating each movement into understandable conversation.


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Genuine Empathy:

Questions or Queries makes a difference, as does Clarification, and importantly, ones Response, which really does need to be mindful, thoughtful and genuine, and NOT glib, or patronizing.


> Queries:
 
"Can you tell me more about that?"
"What has this been like for you?"
"How has all of this made you feel?"

> Clarifications:
 
"Let me see if I've gotten this right ..."
"Tell me more about ..."
"I want to make sure I understand what you've said ..."

> Responses:

"Sounds like you are ..."
"I imagine that must be ..."
"I can understand that must make you feel ..."

[Leah]

Barriers to Giving Empathy

Because empathy is such a powerful communication skill, we might suppose that everyone would scramble to learn about and want to this skill at every available opportunity.

However, this is seemingly not necessarily the case.

There may be many, very valid, reasons for not offering empathy. 

Also, Concerns such as:

   "There is not enough time to give empathy."

   "I'm too busy focusing on something personal."

   "Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me."

   "I don't want to open that Pandora's box."

   "I haven't had enough training in empathetic communication."

   "I'm concerned that I may feel drained."


Empathy need not be awkward nor emotionally exhausting; unlike sympathy, empathy does not require emotional effort on the part of the listener.

An appropriate statement or gesture of empathy takes only a moment and can go a long way to enhance rapport, build positive relationships, and even improve difficult ones, in gathering correct information for effective response and communication.

Studies have shown that when opportunities for empathy were repeatedly missed, relationships have suffered, with frustration and angst on both sides, and of course, relational conflict due to misunderstanding(s).

[Leah]

Listening First Aid
 
Gregorio Billikopf

The Panama Canal may serve as an adequate analogy for the role of effective listening skills. As a youth, I traversed the canal several times as we sailed in a freight ship from the port of Valparaiso in Chile, to New York. Massive lock gates are utilized to manage the water levels in the canal, so that ships can move from one direction to another. The water level behind one set of closed locks can be much higher than that of the next compartment through which a ship will travel.

We can compare this scene to the state of mind of an individual suffering from deep emotional wounds, or involved in a serious interpersonal conflict. With disparate water levels there is a buildup of pressure behind the closed locks. If one were to open these lock gates, the flow would be mostly unidirectional. Likewise, a party who is holding in her emotions needs a release. Such an individual is unlikely to (1) think clearly about the challenge or (2) be receptive to outside input from another.

The role of the listener or helper is to allow such an individual to open the lock gates. When he does, the water gushes out. During this venting process, there is still too much pressure for a person to consider other perspectives. Only when the water level has leveled off between the two compartments, does the water begin to flow evenly back and forth. The role of the listener is to help empty the large reservoirs of emotion, anger, stress, frustration and other negative feelings until the individual can see more clearly. Not until then, can a party consider the needs of the other. Perhaps we can think of it as listening first aid.

 

© 2006 by The Regents of the University of California. Printing this electronic Web page on listening skills is permitted
 

[Leah]

Listening Skills in Interpersonal Communication

We spend a large portion of our waking hours conversing and listening. When two friends or colleagues have an engaging dialogue, they will often compete to speak and share ideas. Certainly, listening skills play an important role is such stimulating exchanges. When it comes to empathic listening, we do not vie to be heard, nor do we take turns speaking. Rather, we are there to motivate and cheer the other person on.

Empathic listening skills require a different subset of proficiencies than conversing, and it is certainly an acquired skill. Many individuals, at first, find the process somewhat uncomfortable. Furthermore, people are often surprised at the exertion required to become a competent listener. Once the skill is attained, there is nothing automatic about it. In order to truly listen, we must set aside sufficient time to do so. Perhaps the root of the challenge lies here. People frequently lose patience when listening to another’s problem. Empathic listening is incompatible with being in a hurry, or with the fast paced world around us. Such careful listening requires that we, at least for the moment, place time on slow motion and suspend our own thoughts and needs. Clearly, there are no shortcuts to empathic listening.

Effective listening can be applied to all of our interpersonal and business relationships. We will become more effective listeners as we practice at home, in our business dealings, and in other circles. One of the greatest gifts we can give another is that of truly listening.

[Lupita]

Just to add a little to this wonderful post.
Guidelines for Empathic Listening
Madelyn Burley-Allen offers these guidelines for empathic listening:

Be attentive. Be interested. Be alert and not distracted. Create a positive atmosphere through nonverbal behavior.
Be a sounding board -- allow the speaker to bounce ideas and feelings off you while assuming a nonjudgmental, non-critical manner.
Don't ask a lot of questions. They can give the impression you are "grilling" the speaker.
Act like a mirror -- reflect back what you think the speaker is saying and feeling.
Don't discount the speaker's feelings by using stock phrases like "It's not that bad," or "You'll feel better tomorrow."
Don't let the speaker "hook" you. This can happen if you get angry or upset, allow yourself to get involved in an argument, or pass judgment on the other person.
Indicate you are listening by
Providing brief, noncommittal acknowledging responses, e.g., "Uh-huh," "I see."
Giving nonverbal acknowledgements, e.g., head nodding, facial expressions matching the speaker, open and relaxed body expression, eye contact.
Invitations to say more, e.g., "Tell me about it," "I'd like to hear about that."
Follow good listening "ground rules:"
Don't interrupt.
Don't change the subject or move in a new direction.
Don't rehearse in your own head.
Don't interrogate.
Don't teach.
Don't give advice. Do reflect back to the speaker what you understand and how you think the speaker feels.[9]
The ability to listen with empathy may be the most important attribute of interveners who succeed in gaining the trust and cooperation of parties to intractable conflicts and other disputes with high emotional content. Among its other advantages, as Burley-Allen points out, empathic listening has empowering qualities. Providing an opportunity for people to talk through their problem may clarify their thinking as well as provide a necessary emotional release. Thomas Gordon agrees that active listening facilitates problem-solving and, like Burley-Allen's primer on listening,[10] Gordon's "Leadership Effectiveness Training"[11] provides numerous exercises and suggestions for those seeking to strengthen their listening skills.


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[Leah]

The ability to listen with empathy may be the most important attribute of interveners who succeed in gaining the trust and cooperation of parties to intractable conflicts and other disputes with high emotional content.

Among its other advantages, as Burley-Allen points out, empathic listening has empowering qualities.

Providing an opportunity for people to talk through their problem may clarify their thinking as well as provide a necessary emotional release.

[Leah]

Three Emotions ...... Empathy, Sympathy, and Pity ...    


Pity is often condescending and may entail feelings of contempt and rejection.
 

Sympathy is when one experiences feelings as if he or she were the sufferer.  Sympathy is thus shared suffering.


Empathy is commonly defined as one's ability to recognize, perceive and feel directly the emotion of another. Since the states of mind, beliefs, and desires of others are intertwined with their emotions, one with empathy for another may often be able to more effectively define another's mode of thought and mood. Empathy is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or to in some way experience the outlook or emotions of another being within oneself, a sort of emotional resonance.

Empathy is also a concept recognized as "reading" another person, completely translating each movement into understandable conversation.


Empathy is a powerful communication skill that is often misunderstood and underused.

[Leah]

Empathy is the ability to connect one's emotions to that of another's -- and is often contrasted with apathy or numbness.

Plomin (1990) suggests there is a genetic basis for empathy, summarizing data showing that identical twins are more alike in their empathetic responses than fraternal twins.

According to Goleman (1995), those who lack empathy have a serious shortfall in emotional intelligence.

He states that this lack of empathy can be found in “criminal psychopaths ... (p. 96).

And points out that people rarely express to others in words what they are feeling.   

Rather, we must read and understand nonverbal cues to understand another’s emotions.

Psychologists have found that babies only a few months old will start crying when they observe another child crying.  Furthermore, young children’s empathic capabilities appear to be influenced by their observation of people react to the distress of others.

[Leah]

A critical component of Empathy is the ability to understand and communicate “as if” from the other person’s point of view, taking the other person’s perspective, while at the same time not losing sight of the fact that the feelings and thoughts in fact belong to the other person.

Empathy is multidimensional in the sense that the understanding of the other person may be either cognitive or affective or both.

Empathy may go beyond understanding of the other person to include emotional responsiveness or resonance such that an individual comes to experience the same or compatible emotions of the other person. Thus, along with understanding the situation as if from the other person's perspective, an aspect of empathy may include feeling distress when confronted with the distress of others, or it may include pity in response to another's sorrow and loss.


Empathy is thus a complex process that involves both cognitive and affective abilities such as listening to key ideas and discerning core emotions in emotion stories;

being able to recognize the facial display of emotion; identifying emotion in verbal statements, tone of voice and body language; carefully selecting appropriate emotion words when preparing a response; emitting appropriate emotional responses;

internally "resonating" with compatible feeling; offering sensitive reflection statements; and generalizing emotional content to new or comparable situations.

 (Martin, 1999; Goldstein and Michaels, 1985).


Often the most loving thing we can do when a friend is in pain is to share the pain – to be there even when we have nothing to offer except our presence and even when being there is painful to ourselves.

M. Scott Peck
1936-, American Psychiatrist, Writer
The Different Drum

[Leah]

Whether people are beautiful and friendly or unattractive and disruptive, ultimately they are human beings, just like oneself. Like oneself, they want happiness and do not want suffering.

Furthermore, their right to overcome suffering and be happy is equal to one's own. Now, when you recognize that all beings are equal in both their desire for happiness and their right to obtain it, you automatically feel empathy and closeness for them.

Through accustoming your mind to this sense of universal altruism, you develop a feeling of responsibility for others: the wish to help them actively overcome their problems. Nor is this wish selective; it equally applies to all.

~  Dalai Lama

[Leah]

Empathy is to Walk in the other Person's Shoes:


Empathy : of Joy and Sorrow


   Join with someone in empathy with their Joy and happiness, state of inner bliss.

   Join with someone in empathy with their Sorrow and sadness, state of inner despair.


Which seems to me to be a healthy balance of mutual empathy -- and respectful validation.

Leah x


quote:  "empathy is a powerful communication skill that is often misunderstood and underused"

[Leah]

Elisabeth Kubler Ross ...

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

[DailyMail]

Leah

thank you.  That quotation is very meaningful for me today.

[sunblue]

Empathy is so incredibly important.  I've always been a very empathetic person towards others, sometimes to the point of actually feeling the pain they are experiencing.

However, I've often struggled with the lack of empathy in others.  Why is it some people are seemingly incapable of empathy?  Is it just that they are unwilling to put themselves in another's shoes, to offer compassion empathy and the willingess to listen?  If so, why are they like that?  How is it that one sibling can be very empathetic and others not at all?  Is it a learned trait, an inherent trait or an inherited one? 

I must confess I have very little patience for those who are not empathetic.  It's simply not in me to understand that lack of compassion.  I think the reason empathy is so important for me because it represents the othe person's wilingness to try to understand.  This interest in understanding equates, for me anyway, a level of caring.  Thus, no empathy equates to no caring.  To me, being empathetic also means being selfless.  Perhaps that's why it's such a sore point with me.  Lack of empathy illustrates a selfish nature, aka, narcissism.

[dandylife]

Bean,
Good point. Never thought of it that way before. I have had people tell me that, too. "Feelings are not important."

but they are.


Dandylife