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Legal/Emotional Struggles

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Anonymous:
I have discovered in my dealing with N parents and N husband that most of it is about money in some form or another.  

Oh, I wish I had the nerve to give some stories about my birth family and how love and money are the same with them, as are love and manipulative control.  I am writing about it though, so who knows what will happen.  I talked with a well known author about verbal abuse in my family, giving examples, and she was appalled!  She suggested I move across the country.  Well, perhaps!  LOL  Nice to think about but I had rather know I have the emotional fortitude and sense of self not to let their manipulative tactics bother me anymore.

Divorcing the xN was about money also.  I had it and he wanted it.  He almost destroyed my sense of self before the divorce over money and tried to finish it off during the divorce.  Fought in court like a warrior wearing his Viet Nam clothes even, but I won!  Strange though, I am doing great now but I saw him at the wedding of our daughter last week and he is truly having some problems. Well, I mean they are showing up more evidently.  Ah well, I move on.

Stand up for what you know is right!

phoenix:
bye

phoenix:
bye

phoenix:
bye

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: phoenix ---There are a lot of new ‘faces’. Hello! I’ve kinda gotten to know many of you.

I’ve been back online for a month now, and I feel that I placed myself behind a self imposed wall. I’ve just been lurking, reading and learning from everyone else’s post. I’ve found myself reluctant to join back in, mostly due to the effort of writing. I feel tired all the time, the stress of living with this ongoing issue, the sorrow of watching my life and dreams and aspirations go by, held out of reach by my controlling father. It is affecting my body. Someone on another thread talked about PSTD; I have all those symptoms.

Pheonix, didn't you just tell Michelle you'd have loved to have stepped and contributed in the past month but couldn't cause you weren't hooked up. Make up your minds Pheonix gal. And you wrote this, when? HUH! :x


Here we go gathering Nuts in May, Nuts in May, Nuts in May.


--- Quote ---Where do I start?

How about a refresher?

My beginning posts, way back in January, (only just this past January?) were regarding an ongoing issue with my father over money bequeathed to me from my Grandmother. He is Executor and I am Beneficiary. In a never ending struggle for autonomy from this man, this is his last real hold, holding out this money from me: Demanding certain requirements be fulfilled in order to get it, things that are not of my nature… I won’t go back over the details; being fellow survivors of N’s , you know  the story. If you are wanting to know, you can go back and read my original posts.

Where am I now with all this?

I am preparing to file a lawsuit against my dad. I have a number of things against him, things he neglected to do or did improperly, that might get him removed as Executor.

The real issue I have with him is that I believe that there is a later amended trust that he has kept from me, and the other family members involved.


Two reasons I suspect this:

1> I remember a discussion with my Grandmother as she was waiting for my dad to pick her up to meet with her attorney. At that time she was practically biting her nails over wanting to drop my mom from her Will/Trust. She was afraid my mom would find out and be angry. I was livid, though I kept it myself. Although my parents had been divorced for a number of years at this time, my mom had still continually helped her out and stayed in contact. My grandmother never mentioned my mother again in regards to her will. I was too sick at heart to ever ask.

It turned out there was money in the trust for my mom. But wait- I remember clearly this discusion with her was years later than the Trust my father offered as last Will and Testament. Something not right here.

2>At a later date she told me my she was sorry, but that she felt my dad was going to make it difficult for me to get my money, and she just couldn’t fight with him over it. Then she said,”But don’t worry, there will be a time the money will come to you automatically”, and she said a certain age, but I wasn’t listening too well at the time (I was driving her somewhere). I also didn’t like to talk much about it.

I challenged my cagey father at first over all this, but I ultimately backed down on pursing it because my mom received some money from this(amended)Trust (The second- I believe there is a third). At the time my dad made some remark to her that if you don’t need it, give it to your children. Of course , he didn’t offer to split his share- and he has plenty of money to spare where my mother doesn’t. He also said to me something about her receiving the money, and how the money should really be for my sister and I (!)

So I feel he is lying and I just hated seeing my mom find out the truth. That she was never in the final trust; it’s not about the money. It’s her learning my Grandmother, after years of fussing over her and telling her that she would get a small inheritance, gushing “I love you so much, dear”. This is why I originally opted instead to just forget about it.

Then I lost my job, not one easily replaced, and a month later my car was totaled. I’ve been out of work for months, working only very sporadically.


Two  months ago my dad met with my mother over friendly pretenses to find out what is going on with me. I was furious, but did not try to discourage her. When she came home from this lunch she told me how kind he really was. I went ballistic. I was so upset. She fell for it! I know better.  I was so helplessly angry with her, and all she could do was say, “Why are you angry at me?” “ How did I get in the middle of this?” “ Because”, I said, “You went to lunch with him! You fell right into his trap.”

After there lunch he ended up sending me a small  amount of my money- the interest earned on the initial investment- to  help me out because of my hardship. "Love, Dad", it was signed.

I was not happy with this, as it only takes care of my immediate needs, and doesn’t help my get beyond my circumstances. It allowed him to do just what he wanted-dole out my money, have me so down I couldn't say no. I would have sent it back if I wasn’t so desperate. I was able to buy a car and pay off some bills. And put away a little for some legal help.

One of the things I have on him is that the last Trust- the one he says is the last - was not signed by my Grandmother. I am pretty sure I know whose handwriting it is, and I am trying to obtain a copy of this other person’s signature. But I know this is not my Grandmothers writing. I am sure of it. I don’t think my father was trying to pull any thing over on any one; I think he just got lazy and did what was easy for him at the time, by not having to drive to my Grandmother’s to get her signature. This is typical of my father and why I don’t respect his authority. This doesn’t negate the whole Will and previous Trust, but it does cast suspicion and doubt on his ability to act as Trustee. And what a mess I think he will want to avoid, having all the past records brought up and scrutinized!

I do not want to do this. I hate having to do this. I have to push past all these emotions and keep plodding forward. But I feel that I have been pushed into a corner and am preparing to fight my way out. Sometimes I feel so weak and want to quit. I feel full of doubt, numb to the reality that I deserve and have a duty to fight for myself.

At one point when I mentioned getting legal help, he warned me to be prepared to handle the consequences, should I choose that. I hate to say it, but it scares me and I don't know why! The idea of failing in this endeavour, facing his victory, is almost immobilizing.  

My sister, who he assisted in helping her buy a house with her inheritance, at great cost to her self-esteem, just by his controlling belittling ways,sold the house, and now has the money socked away in the bank. I just learned she fears he is going to ask for it back,  to be held by him until some future time when she buys another house. “No way”, I said, “can he get it back now!” But the thought that she believes he would actually do that! Would he dare, I ask myself? I just laughed.
My father is a nightmare. And I feel sorry for him. I can see how really small he must feel inside.

My dad’s stance is that it is his duty as a parent to do what is necessary to protect me (and sis) from making decisions (mistakes) in life that can potentially be harmful, due to my own lack of experience, or ignorance. I am a 47 years old. I want to be out from under his thumb.
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