Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Wanted to share this with you (pl.)

(1/3) > >>

Nic:
Hi All!
i've decided to share this bit of my life with you.
Preamble:  It has been a rocky, strange, twisted past almost two years for me.  Feel free to go back to my original posts to get a better picture of what all has happened to me since i've come to this board.  Of course some of it will be missing since the disc of the old board has been lost. My mom is the "N" of the family and i've established that my dad is an "N enabler"..they haven't changed, I have.  For clarity's sake "C" is my partner.

I received a letter the other day, forwarded to my new address from a government agency that takes care of reunions for adopted children.  I am adopted.  I love the way it was written, it appears they have taken great trouble to write things in a caring way.  Not bad for a government agency.  It is written in french so i'll translate as best I can.

Dear Sir,
As I was unable to reach you by telephone, I am sending this letter hoping you will accept giving it your attention.  Please contact me at the following number 555-2322 ext 5555.  You may reach me at this number mondays, tuesdays and wednesdays between the hours of 0900 and 1630.

I have information, confidential in nature to transmit to you.  Please excuse me for not giving you more details at this time.

If I were not available upon your calling, please leave me the time and the telephone number where I might be able to reach you.

Anticipating your very timely answer, please accept, Monsieur, my sincere salutations.

Signature, name of agency and Antecedents/Reunions.

NOW.  When "C" told me via the phone I had received a letter from this agency I told him to open it.  Then I announced to him that on top of everything we've been through together in the past six months and on top of what I have been through in the past two years and since years living with Ns, this was going to be another BiG ONe!

This is a letter to tell me that my birth family is looking for me.  I'm open to it, heck I put my name on the list of those who didn't mind their birth families looking for them! Life is sooo strange!!! Why now? I must have put my name on that list five if not more years ago..they don't actively search for anything at that agency!  

Gut feeling..nothing happens unless it has to happen or it's time for it to happen, good or bad..a thought pattern way to see things that's part of my makeup.

"C" and i are at the beginning of our relationship, a new life.  I asked him "why are you with me at the most important fucked up time of my life?"  To which he answered flippantly.."i don't know!!" hahahaha!..more on that later...this has got to be the cherry on the sundae..I just can't believe all the action..I actually caught myself thinking..Oh Shit!..after that I can die!!!!  Scarey..and then I find myself encouraging myself with No it's time to live LIVE LIVE....and then I don't know anymore..

Maybe it's a sibbling looking for me?  I'll know Monday.  I'm excited for sure...
Then there's the N parents, the brother..it's a whole new ball game.. and then there's "C's" cookey comment: " Maybe they want a body part!  well were selling it 'cos we need a solarium and a barn.."..says the wrong thing at the wrong time that one...no verbal discipline at all..then he looks at me and asks me if I love 'im..." 'course I do!" and then I don't know where I stand..

Well, I wanted to share this with you all..it's the big time all over again!  Sure i'm excited, and you know what?  I do think i'm ready for this.  I let life slap me in the face more than I should have..time to let it give something back.

First post re: this new adventure.
Nic. 8)  :shock:  :?  :o

Nic:
OH boy!
Ok i've come down a little..there's this wonderful lady at work who bakes all these deserts and cakes and brownies and everything else with tons of chocolate and sugar...I'm coming down from a sugar rush now...down boy down....
It seems the more i'm looking at this new situation the more elated I get.  I knew a nice girl once..her Ps couldn't have children either and she was one of 3 adopted kids..she was adopted much like me into a "rich" family..to the best of my recollection they had a good life..nothing really to complain about although her adopted brother turned out to be schizophrenic.  
Anyway, she had entertained all her life the wish to know her biological family...supported by her adopted mom it took her about 10 years to find this lady...Now MH had lots of class and was very intelligent..rather plump but you know graceful plump..
I remember the countdown to her actually meeting her birth mom and family..my she was happy, like a dream come true.  All smiles, all of the time..and so they met..she was the 13th of thirteen...the result of a one night stand in a port city between her b mom and this sailor guy...and then they jumped all over her immediately..inviting her to family occasions and the like...she couldn't handle it, she just couldn't identify with the whole situation and although she was more than surrounded she felt very isolated and alone with this new crowd. Nature or nurture..i'm not sure how the rest of the relationship turned out 'cos we lost contact after University.
And then there's M..another nice girl who looked for her b mom..well her b-mom was semi retarded it turns out as the result of having been taken advantage of by the parish priest for God's sakes!  Her bmom was kinda all over her too..in her small mind it was really something to find a daughter like that..but M couldn't handle that either...
I'm at a loss to find a successful reunion other than the blurbs i've seen on tv...it could go either way with me too I guess.  Anything could happen...i've let go of the " they're really rich and famous and they'll take me away from all this" fantasy I used to entertain in my childhood miseries...
My adopted family loves me for sure..they weren't there very much while I was growing up and N mom was a pill popping alcoholic who hijacked my life for many years..and N enabler dad was oblivious....couldn't get much worse..* laughing nervously to self*
And then there's the elation, the wonder..hmmm and the hope that this just isn't an up that will fizzle away in a short time..why would it?  See how I'm coming face to face with myself?
since i've understood my voicelessness i've overcome many obstacles..like right now i'm sitting here thinking of my neediness and how it makes me sick to have been and to still be that way in my relationships.  I'm right now thinking of all the people that bug me and the comments that those close to me are allowed to make because of me and I want to tell them..hey don't need your kind no more!!!  And then I get scared of being alone again 'cos i've been too alone..where does it end this eternal questioning..why can't I be genuinely happy at something it's normal to happy for????
So many questions..maybe I should just cut down the questioning..I feel like it.  
But deep down you know..I just don't want to be hurt again..I can't take anymore of that soul piercing hurt.  Labile? no no not at all...
This is probably a necessary step in my life..but to where and what the heck for? " Arms inside the ride please..."
I'm somewhat ashamed of continually closing the door on happiness.  Or maybe it's the conditioning from the past where happiness and misery were so closely, disappointingly intertwined.  
shit I came out of that woman..my mother!  *seeing stars*  I think i'm gonna faint..
thanks for letting rant about this one..i'm just spewing it out as it comes..but I am rather light headed..what was in those brownies Deb????
Nic.

Nic:
About three weeks ago when I saw my adopted parents again, I cried along with my dad in the lobby of their new flat...and then when I saw N mom..I did lay my head on her and cried there too...she didn't know why I was crying..i wasn't apologizing or feeling sorry..honestly I think I was crying for myself, in any case I couldn't control it.
Dr. Grossman's once comment to me " Boy Nic, were you ever trained not to feel!"..is resonating more and more these past few days.  How do you train yourself to feel? Intimacy versus Lust, like that?  I don't understand.  
Birth mom..what am i supposed to do when I see you..i've seen it done before on tv..the airport scene, the baloons and flowers and other sibblings..i've looked real close at the man or woman meeting his/her birthfamily for the first time, my face so close to the tv screen I fogged it up.  I was looking to see what they were feeling, desperately trying to feel what they were feeling.  I did feel my heart skip a beat at the very time "they" hugged and contact was made..it got to me, like watching a tear jerker movie.  But now it's happening to me and I don't know how to feel about it...I don't want to be dishonest or insincere..oh shit :cry:  :cry:

I actually have a mother..as opposed to always having wished I had one with the one I got..that's how it feels right now.  That's as close as I can get to identifying what's going on in my mind.

This birthmom isn't forcing me into anything, she's answered a call and an invitation from me.  My A mom did the exact opposite, she forced me into a relationship with her, emotional incest on top of the Nism.  Totally screwed me up sexually..hate her for that, got to fix it!

And then maybe she's dead, my b mom, and her last wish was to let me know?...
Nic.

Anonymous:
Nic,

I'm so happy for you.  :lol:  Of course it's natural to have mixed feelings:  fear, elation, terror, hope, sadness, everything, really. And there's a lot of suspense, too. I think you can feel; maybe sometimes you don't know what emotion you're experiencing, but heck, you feel intensely. I'm sure you were trained not to express it, as it inconvenienced your N adoptive parents.

I wish you the best and hope this turns out to be a great addition to your life.  :!:

bunny

Nic:
bunny,
Thanks..no really I mean it..i've always wanted a sister..in fact I think every boy should have an older sister.  And maybe i now will find out I have a whole slew of them..good God! I AM NOT SHARING MY BATHROOM! UH UH!!! :lol:
Ok so I can feel and man you are so bang on about my not knowing exactly what emotion i'm feeling..what am I feeling?  I've caught myself feeling both real happy and real sad and asking myself what exactly are you experiencing right now? and .. is it inconveniencing anybody?..that's a fixer upper! :)
I've been rewinding my tape and trying to think if anybody in the past months has looked at me funny..ya know like they know me or something.  That's the most eerie thing when you're adopted ( although granted it can happen to anybody..) when somebody just looks at you like they know you but neither party has the time to stop and go into it..
I remember when I travelled alot for work being on planes coming back from all kinds of places and people looking at me like they knew me..once this man actually started to talk to me like he knew me..I knew who he was because i'd seen him at his business..but we never had "met " and /or talked..and there he was saying "did you have a nice holiday?..and you deserved it.." then he was gone.
Once I was in a restaurant sitting with friends..it was my birthday dinner.  We were having a so so time..I was people watching, scanning the dining room and my head stopped at this one far away table..I swear I was looking in the mirror..this guy looked exactly like me.  I kept it from the people I was dining with, returned to dinner and what was happening at my table.  I determined to walk over there and introduce myself, and when i'd worked up just about enough courage I turned around and the gentleman had left.
Well , there can be no other explanation other than..it just wasn't the right time, can there? :?
So I guess those were the prelude days and now i'm headed for the overture..what a concert! Pff ha! :D   And then maybe all those people will be there next week pfffff HA! HA! :wink:
She was twenty three when she had me..aww I can't wait to show her my favourite baby picture..I was two and my brother and I are sitting on this satin covered bench..we're both wearing shorts and oxfords, I look so happy and smiley and he looks so apprehensive..but it's the two of us.  He has a lovely page boy white shirt with a dark debardeur, i've got a white shirt on a bow tie and a striped ( downward) debardeur and you can see i'm knock kneed! hahahaha!  I have that picture on my baker's rack and I look at it everyday.  
That very picture I took to my first real therapist on my first visit.  " This is where we start" I told her..Why? Because this picture was taken when I had access and equal status to my brother...at three years of age my N mother took me over, I was hers and my brother belonged to my father.  We never had a good relationship after that...and today we're estranged because he has never sought professional help regarding our common upbringing..we just don't see things the same.  I think his plan is to let Nparents ultimately die, get his money and live happily everafter.  A part of him knows though that you can't forever ignore what you've swept under the carpet.  I'll be there though..I will.  There was a rumour several years ago that he had found his birth family..if this is true, then perhaps that fixed him well enough?  
So bunny, last night's desert turned out to be the brownie from hell..i hardly slept a wink..there must have been the entire can of cocoa in there..went to bed at 0030 woke up at 0300..watched some comedy on the tube..and went on to a busy day plus "work".
Yes i'm elated, happy ,all of it..perhaps everything that's happened is leading up to a great deal of happiness?
Anticipation...accept people as they are...family...i swear i'll vaporize anybody in that new family instantly if there's one sign of Nism!
If my calculations are correct, I should be the eldest child in that new family huh?..ah leverage!
 Boy i'd love to have a sister..and I wonder how the boys turned out?!  Let's see that would make them half-sibblings right?  What does that make my B mom's husband in relationship to me?
OMG! Hillbillies...cousins dating cousins ewwwww!  Hi all! no no..you're related to ME! hahaha! ..elation...clouds parting to let the sunshine in..I said the SUNSHINE not the MOONSHINE you morons! :lol:
'Kay..all is well..more tomorrow..or later today.
 8) disengaging the do not disturb button from my phone.." Next please.."
ciao!
Nic.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page