The "when push comes to shove, mini-Titanic, narcissistic parent poll"

[teartracks]

Hi Tiffany,

I kind of got mixed up on this one.  At first, I thought it meant that the parent would row with both of us in the lifeboat.  But then it says that the lifeboat held only one person.  That made me think it would have been impossible for two people, even an eight year old, in the lifeboat for whatever reason.  So I reread it and thought it must mean that the parent would get in the lifeboat and leave the child on his own in the water saying, you wouldn't have been able to row to shore anyway.  Or were you saying that your parent would put you in the lifeboat and try to row it while swimming?   Now I'm wondering if I read it right.

If you weren't talking about option three, then none of what I wrote above is  relevant.

My father would most definitely attempt to do the rowing with me in the boat, but mostly because he wouldn't trust me to be able to save us. 

Get in the lifeboat and say: "I'm doing the practical thing---you wouldn't have been able to row to shore anyway"

tt

[jordanspeeps]

Yeah TT,

It's funny, after re-reading the options, I've refined the scenario for my father.  He would go with Option B if he could ASSURE that I would tell everyone far and wide that he was indeed a hero but this is if and only if he were not able to toss me in the boat and figure out a way to come along rowing, paddling, something.  We would either survive together with this awesome heroic story of how he single-handedly defied logic and go us back to shore or we would die together failing in a boat only meant to hold and be rowed by one person.  And if that were the case, would people come to know the REAL story of what happen? or would they just assume that he was still a hero for attempting to survive at sea never leaving the side of his precious little one.  HA!

Did I do a good job at confusing you more, tt?

Tiff

[Gaining Strength]

I really struggled with this.  My father who has actually been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as NPD was less obviously so at age 40.  At that time he would have put me in the boat and he would not have bragged out loud about being a hero but he would had thought it his "obligation" to be a martyr more than a hero.  He was all about obligation, all about the law.


My mother would have opted for a version of leaving me and getting in the boat herself.  She would have been crying and acting pityful. Crying and wailing for help.  She would be helpless to help me never considering the option of getting out and letting me in.

[tayana]

I know exactly what my mother would do.  She would put me in the boat, tell me to row to shore, and valiantly sacrifice herself for me.   Then I'd get to watch while she drowned in front of me.   That's just my mother.

[Chamomile]

I believe that my mom would love to die saving any child heroicly.  Being seen as a far superior mother, a saint of a mother, and a hero, and a model citizen, is pretty much her chief narcassism, which is why it has been so painful and confusing to admit that she is not a model mother by a long stretch.  So I voted that she would save me and then give me a speech about what a hero she was, and give me lots of messages to pass on to those she left behind and probably lots of guilt trips, too. It would be a huge source of narcissistic supply for her and she would probably die very very happy, feeling like her life had finally been validated and fulfilled in the deepest sense.  Unfortunately, it was the day to day mothering and nurturing that she didn't have a handle on.

[gjazz]

My father loved (loves) boats, and owned a succession them while I was growing up.  Aboard, nobody could escape him.  When I was eleven, I told my mother I knew if the thing went down, my father would push me under to keep himself afloat.  She was appalled I would say such a thing, despite the fact that he twice tried to drown her (once while scuba diving and was caught in the act by my brothers).  It was important to her (I mean, important in ways other than that she was protecting us, which she wasn't) that she be his only focus.  Not exactly The Love Boat.

[towrite]

My NP's were/are such liars - like one response said, they "rewrite history" constantly. This poll was a very real flash from the past for me b/c it almost happened in a similar way. My NF took my baby brother and me fishing on the coast one fine day. He left me on a big sandbar to crab while he and my bro went into the bay to fish. Several hours later, with the tide coming in to cover the sandbar, there was still no sign of him. At sunset, I had little more than a square foot of sand left to stand on, and a fishing boat came by with 2 men in it. They slowed and asked if I needed help. I told them my father was supposed to come get me when he finished fishing. They asked his name and sped off toward the dock around the bend. (This was a deep water boating channel, not a shallow creek.) Apparently they found him, loading his boat back on his trailer to go home. The two men read him the riot act, while he grumbled about having to put his boat back in the water to come get me. He and my brother got to me just as the tide lapped at my ankles. Not a word was said.

[Overcomer]

No!!  That is awful.  The only thing those men should have done was take you with them while they looked for your creepy dad!!  My mom would have done something similar and then years later deny it!!

[towrite]

I think they knew exactly who my NF was and what a creep he was. If they had taken me with them, he might have accused them of something - one young teenaged female in a boat with two men. Would've been just like him to cover up HIS failure.

[OnlyMe]

Dr. G,
I have been away from the board for quite some time...
Last night I thought it was time to come back, for reassurance that I am not alone in this ongoing ACON situation.   One of the first things I read was this article on your site.  My husband was sitting nearby, so we did the Poll together.  I answered #3, without wavering.  He, who was raised in a relatively normal home, answered #1.  Then we looked at the results.  I burst into tears instantly as I saw what a "Normal" answer would be....  thank you for the reassurance that, indeed, my upbringing was not the norm, and that I am not the crazy one.

Sincerely, with thanks for all you are doing, and for still being here to help us Stand, in spite of it all.
~onlyme

[JustKathy]

I can't take the poll. I'm seeing the results, but have no ability to take the poll. Maybe it's a Firefox issue?

That said, I have to repeat what Finding Peace said, as my M would have done EXACTLY the same thing:

"My mother – none of the above.  She would panic and look to me to fix the situation for her.   At age 8, I would have put her in the boat and told her I loved her.  She would row to shore, tell everyone that she tried everything she could to save me but it was hopeless and that I died in the explosion.  She would then convince herself that this was the truth."

Exactly.

[BonesMS]

Knowing NWomb-Donor, she would ANNOUNCE that I was a disappointment, take the boat, and tell others I died in the explosion AND play the DRAMATIC MANIPULATING MARTYR TO THE HILT!!!!!!

Bones

[Sealynx]

It would be likely that I was killed in the explosion or drowned immediately after because neither parent would have been holding me and if there was a cabin below deck I would have been in the part furtherist from them so they couldn't hear me cry. 

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi JustKathy, Bones, and Sealynx,

Thanks for your responses.  The reason no new responses can be recorded is that I closed the poll shortly after I posted it because I wrote about the results in one of my essays.

OnlyMe,
 
It's good to hear from you again.  I loved the joint poll-taking (you and your husband), the responses, and your reaction!  I'm glad the poll was meaningful...

Best,

Richard

[cgm1028]

Good poll.  I can certainly say that my NM would be Option B.  SHe just LOVED the martry role and played "Mother of the Year" to the hilt.  That made dealing with her so crazy.  To the outside world, she looked like a wonderful mother, so trying to get anyone to "hear" me was impossible.