Author Topic: so scared  (Read 3147 times)

towrite

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so scared
« on: March 03, 2008, 02:21:18 PM »
I know all this is from the past, in the past, but it scares me so badly.

My NM came over yesterday for an invited visit. I had been wondering if it would fly if I asked her if she knew why my brother is not speaking to me. We talked about different things, one of which she said she couldn't talk about 'cuz it upset her so much. I realized at that moment how fragile she is - I even realized she believes money is the only insulation for her, to keep her from falling apart. Anyway, I finally asked her about my brother. She said he was mad with me about "something". and he apparently felt I was trying to "tell him what to do.". None of that bothered me 'cuz I'd already figured out he was mad. But then she got tears in her eyes and said, "I don't think he's in very good shape."

Now you have to understand my M is the epitome of understatement - she invented it. She clammed up after saying that - no details. But if she - the ultimate understater - said that's what she believes - then you can take it to the bank that it's a whole lot worse.

When she left, I got so scared and depressed. With one brother gone via suicide, me not in real good shape, and now learning my last sibling also "is not in good shape", I suddenly heard a scream in my gut that my whole family is so-o-o fragile, so brittle. I felt like one small wind could blow us all away. It is horrible. I have been too depressed to go to work. She isn't in good shape herself. I see her rapidly descending in health and vitality. Apparently my brother's condition - whatever it is - has taken a real toll on her recently. I just saw her last week and yesterday it seemed as if she'd aged 5 more years. I only mention that 'cuz it's a good indicator of just how bad a condition my brother is in. Since I can't talk to him, I have no way of verifying anything.

I didn't have the heart to tell her I was going to lose my house at the end of this month.

"An unexamined life is a wasted life."
                                  Socrates
Time wounds all heels.

Ami

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Re: so scared
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2008, 02:41:44 PM »
Oh towrite,
  I am sorry, so sorry. I wish I could touch you, with a healing touch and make you feel better. Depression feels horrible.
 You are seeing so much pain right now, your own ,your M's, your brothers and ALL the pain that comes from the fragility of life.
 My heart goes out to you, towrite  from the very bottom of it, towrite.     Love  Ami


(((((((((((Towrite))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Hopalong

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Re: so scared
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2008, 07:42:22 PM »
ToWrite hon I am so sorry.

Is your brother in the same town?

Rather than negotiate for the right to speak to him, could you just go knock on his door and when he opens it say very gently, I just needed to see you?

No intensity?

love much love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

flowerpower

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Re: so scared
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2008, 10:05:35 PM »
towrite,

I am sorry for all the stress you are under and the worry you are experiencing for your brother.

teartracks

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Re: so scared
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2008, 01:03:21 AM »





Hi towrite,

I suddenly heard a scream in my gut that my whole family is so-o-o fragile, so brittle. I felt like one small wind could blow us all away. It is horrible.

I'm so sorry for the hardship you are under.   You sound like a very considerate and strong person.  If money can fix it, it isn't broken.  Isn't it strange that what you yearn for can't be bought?  Relationship...

tt

Ami

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Re: so scared
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2008, 08:08:48 AM »
Thinking of you, today, towrite!!!! Hope to hear from you. You are in my prayers, towrite.    Love   Ami


(((((((((towrite)))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

papillon

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Re: so scared
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2008, 04:04:19 PM »
Hi Towrite,

I read your post and I just wanted to say that I hope you're okay. I hope your brother is okay also. It sounds like you're trying to process a whole lot of problems with only a few facts to go on. I wish that your mother had explained more to you. Then again, if she's fragmenting maybe she probably couldn't. I'm hoping perhaps there is some way for you to check in with your brother directly - even if just to let him know you're thinking of him. It's very sad to read about your loss of your brother brother. No wonder you're scared.

Hoping you're okay,

Papillon






hardtotrust

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Re: so scared
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2008, 04:50:14 PM »
Hi Towrite, hoping the best for you. What scares you most? I don't know your story, can you count on someone to help you, to be at your side?

Hugs.

Certain Hope

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Re: so scared
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2008, 10:04:24 PM »
((((((((((Kate)))))))))) dear, I am praying, too... for you and for your brother, too.
Sometimes I've picked up on the fears of others and made them my own... and I don't know, but maybe that's partly what happened when your mother mentioned your brother to you.

Love,
Carolyn

Ami

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Re: so scared
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2008, 07:29:36 AM »
Dear Kate,
  I have been thinking about you. Please tell us how you are doing? I don't like it when I don't hear from you and wonder how you are.               Love  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Leah

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Re: so scared
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2008, 08:21:43 AM »

((((((( Kate )))))))

Thoughts of you, hoping you are okay.

Praying for you and your brother.

Love, Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

towrite

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Re: so scared
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2008, 12:08:57 PM »
Thanks to all for offering such kindness.

Lollie, my brother stopped speaking to me and won't explain. And, Carolyn, I've done that, too. Picked up on others' feelings and thought they were mine. Not this time. Hops, my brother lives about 100 miles away. I've thought about driving up there and knocking on his door, but I am so fragile myself right now that I couldn't handle it if he slammed the door in my face.

My aunt died last night, so I will probably see him at the funeral tomorrow.

I feel better; that original pain and fear from M's visit has subsided. Strange I know how to handle things that are a flashback from the past better than I know what do to soothe myself in the present.
"An unexamined life is a wasted life."
                                  Socrates
Time wounds all heels.

Leah

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Re: so scared
« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2008, 12:56:02 PM »

Dear (((( Kate ))))

I am so sorry to hear of the news regarding your Aunt,
and will be praying for you regarding the funeral tomorrow.

With particular thoughts to family interactions during the day.

Love, Leah
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Ami

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Re: so scared
« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2008, 02:13:34 PM »
I am sorry about your aunt, towrite. Keep sharing, as you go through things, towrite. I miss you when you take breaks from the board and get concerned about you.That is just my opinion and way of doing things, anyway.For me sharing a problem really helps.
                       Love, Ami


(((((((((Towrite)))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Certain Hope

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Re: so scared
« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2008, 06:23:43 PM »
Dear Kate,

I'm very sorry about your aunt (((((((Kate))))))))

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow, for strength and courage to be yourself, with your own feelings and thoughts, free of the imposed impressions of others!  And it's okay to feel fragile, you know... it's just another feeling.  I'm just so certain that you definitely have the wherewithall to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You've proven that.  Really, you have.

Love,
Carolyn