I know all this is from the past, in the past, but it scares me so badly.
My NM came over yesterday for an invited visit. I had been wondering if it would fly if I asked her if she knew why my brother is not speaking to me. We talked about different things, one of which she said she couldn't talk about 'cuz it upset her so much. I realized at that moment how fragile she is - I even realized she believes money is the only insulation for her, to keep her from falling apart. Anyway, I finally asked her about my brother. She said he was mad with me about "something". and he apparently felt I was trying to "tell him what to do.". None of that bothered me 'cuz I'd already figured out he was mad. But then she got tears in her eyes and said, "I don't think he's in very good shape."
Now you have to understand my M is the epitome of understatement - she invented it. She clammed up after saying that - no details. But if she - the ultimate understater - said that's what she believes - then you can take it to the bank that it's a whole lot worse.
When she left, I got so scared and depressed. With one brother gone via suicide, me not in real good shape, and now learning my last sibling also "is not in good shape", I suddenly heard a scream in my gut that my whole family is so-o-o fragile, so brittle. I felt like one small wind could blow us all away. It is horrible. I have been too depressed to go to work. She isn't in good shape herself. I see her rapidly descending in health and vitality. Apparently my brother's condition - whatever it is - has taken a real toll on her recently. I just saw her last week and yesterday it seemed as if she'd aged 5 more years. I only mention that 'cuz it's a good indicator of just how bad a condition my brother is in. Since I can't talk to him, I have no way of verifying anything.
I didn't have the heart to tell her I was going to lose my house at the end of this month.
