Being My Own Mother

[Ami]

I have come a long way since I started on the board,a year and a half ago. . After reading the Alice Miller threads, I realized that I must get in touch with the rage ,inside me, at my M for stealing the most human parts of me and leaving me a "wasteland".
 Ann, my counselor , summarized it all for me, on Wed. She said your M stole it all from you and set you up to marry an N. She stole what makes us human : our values, ability to mature, and our ability to have a compass ,which can lead us away from danger. I did not give it up, she stole it . I could not have any goodness or strength or I was a threat to her purposes, which were to use me.
 So, I saw it. Now, my best friend says that I have to be  a good parent to myself.
 I am sure that many people have been at this place. I would be interested in hearing your experience.     Thanks  so much,  Ami

[gratitude28]

I think that's very true, Ami. I think I am recreating my childhood too. I also feel that I am going through learning stages that I should have gone through in middle school/high school. I never learned how to deal with people, learn from events and experiences, be balanced, etc. So I am teaching myself that now. Yes, I am guiding myself and being the parent I never had.
((((((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Ami]

You said s/thing very profound, Beth. That was to "LEARN" from people and experiences. My MN put  filter on my eyes ,where I could only see things in a certain way or I was "bad".
  I had to have NO self and NO power. Then, I was not bad. If I had either ,I was bad.So, she had a little robot ,who would do anything she wanted b/c I had no power and no self.
 Ann said that she did not "consciously" try to destroy me, but had to "beat down" what did not feel safe to her, which was any semblance  strength.
  I told her this ,today. , She tried to minimize it.
 However, that is beside the point.
 I have to be able to "learn" from my own life experience and with my own eyes and ears. Then,I will be able to mature and navigate life. I have to throw off the filter she "glued " to me, when I was too young to have a say ---bleh.

[darren]

You said s/thing very profound, Beth. That was to "LEARN" from people and experiences. My MN put  filter on my eyes ,where I could only see things in a certain way or I was "bad".
  I had to have NO self and NO power. Then, I was not bad. If I had either ,I was bad.So, she had a little robot ,who would do anything she wanted b/c I had no power and no self.
 Ann said that she did not "consciously" try to destroy me, but had to "beat down" what did not feel safe to her, which was any semblance  strength.
  I told her this ,today. , She tried to minimize it.
 However, that is beside the point.
 I have to be able to "learn" from my own life experience and with my own eyes and ears. Then,I will be able to mature and navigate life. I have to throw off the filter she "glued " to me, when I was too young to have a say ---bleh.

I have a feeling all I've learned in the past few years (which is quite a bit) are things I should have learned a very long time ago.  Better late than never, right?  I think my biggest problem wasn't that I didn't think people could me love but that  i didn't love myself.  Its good to start taking care of yourself...

[Ami]

Darren
 THAT is so profound. You thought people could not love you, when YOU could not love you!!!!! WOW .      Ami

[gratitude28]

I think Ann is right on - it's not really about destroying us... It is about doing whatever is necessary to stay the most important figure.

So true... but so hard to remember when we were hurt deeply.

[Gabben]

touch with the rage ,inside me, at my M for stealing the most human parts of me and leaving me a "wasteland".
 

The rage was the hardest part for me. Waking every morning with an aching bitterness in my heart for almost a year. Under the rage was a pain that felt as if someone is cutting out your heart with a knife or setting your emotions on fire.

I have been through this and I am still going through it. Just this morning I was thinking about how painful it was to be nullified, I realized that I ceased to exist out of fear, the fear that I would be abandoned again or forgotten if I did not squish my true self and deny myself...letting my mom be the star or letting her be the child instead of me or the one who was always as forever able to express herself as the cost of ruining us.

Someone sent me a evite today onbealf of  N saint and her ministry for a banquet event. It pushed my buttons because she is doing the work I do and garnering so much attention and publicity for it all as well as is able to put herself out there because of her status.

I had to go to Mass and pray really hard for her happiness and success as well as that she be chosen over me and consulted over me in every way. I prayed for meekness to overcome my competitive spirit and to just let go of self -- it is the right thing to do but it is pushing those buttons of how much I had to shrink and dissapear in everyway in order to survive my childhood.

This time I know that I am lovable and NOT voiceless...God hears me and loves me and that is good enough for me. He will provide all that I need and if what He is giving me now is suffering and hurt then that is OK...the hurt heals, the tears release and I grow...which is all I  really want anyway.

 
Gab

[Overcomer]

I figure I have ALMOST GONE FULL CIRCLE.  It is getting to the point where I have pulled ahead.  I see her looking in from the outside and I realize she is using me to keep her edge.  She uses me for technology.  She uses my friends for young contacts.  She is plain delusional-she is doing a workshop tonight where she is showing fashion trends and how they influence home decor trends-but she is using her clothes for the models-she is 71!  Trends?

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  You should write a book(lol) !                              Ami

[Ami]

Today, I had a big success. I was supposed to go some place with my H. I got up to get ready ,do things around the house, and then I got 'shaky'. I felt like I did after I had a C-section, robbed of vital energy.
 The Grief support group says that you have to expect that you WILL feel as if you had surgery, b/c the loss  of a child is a shock to your body. I know I am still in shock. They say it can last up to a year.
 So, I told my H that I was not going. He tried all the "tricks"(anger, shame ,guilt) to get me to go, but I had just read the posts on boundaries ,and I realized that I MUST have boundaries ,for any quality of life.
 It was a big move for me and it is just the beginning of claiming myself.            Ami

PS After reading the boundaries thread, I see that I cannot live this life with my MO,not to make my H "angry". He IS angry,but,you know what,it is OK.
 All these years, my MO was not to make people angry and I abandoned myself.It was SO easy to reclaim myself FROM them. Now, I need to reclaim myself TO me.
 If you get that, you have been there(lol)!

[Overcomer]

That is ok Am-boundaries take awhile don't they?  It is very simple isn't it?  The woman lost her son.  There are going to be days and months where life offer to be put on hold until some sort of equilibrium happens.  People understand-but we have to shelf the guilt and to endear our h disapproval.  I said no to a sides banquet last night because my eyes look awful-boundaries-guilt-but my d understands.  Mom?  She had me Wearing dark sunglasses!

[Ami]

Kelly,
Ann had me make a list of all the ways *I* had judged my M. Then, *I* had to ask forgiveness  from God for judging HER. Ann says that we ,as humans, are not ' allowed " to judge, so we bring bad consequences on ourselves, when we do.
 There is a law of judgement ,like the law of sowing and reaping.
 I have been feeling more and more free, as I do this.
  I talked to my M ,today. She really did not know any better and now ,I must reclaim what she did steal from me.
  This seems to be giving me a freedom to be 'me".          Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear  Izzy,
  i was reluctant to post that b/c it could be misunderstood. We can and have to chose who we will allow in to our lives. However, making judgements of people is putting us in God's seat.
  It is an "internal" choice,not external.
 In the external world, we should chose who to let in and who to keep out. KWIM?             Ami

[Ami]

It is funny Izzy,but I just got home and I was going to pull that post b/c I did not want to "die on that hill"(lol).However, if it is an exercise in your assertiveness ,I will leave it(lol).
  What she meant,in simple terms, was we have to forgive for our own sake. Choosing to let them in,or not, is a whole different subject.KWIM?                  Ami