Hi Ami and littlejo,
I appreciate your condolences, however I no longer "live" in my past. I can recall it somewhat dispassionately now because a lot of healing has already taken place. I see a lot of lessons in my experiences and can't help but feel they will not be in vain. I do believe my life, as each of ours, has a great purpose and that our suffering/pain/hardships are for a reason: to teach us. Anytime, I hit a "snag" in life, I immediately begin looking for the lesson, so that I may move on to either the next lesson or to a much-deserved lull in the drama. That is my life, an undulating pattern of painful dramas coupled with beautiful periods or respite and rebuilding.
I do cry for the little girl and young woman that was me when I think about it, though. I think that its important to remember and to recognize what you've been through, but I do think it's more important to try to reconcile your hardships, to find a way to cope with your future in a more evolved manner. For me, writing helps a ton. As therapy, I have written the details of my life in journals, mostly to be my memory and to remind me of what I've already experienced. Living with a narcissist will ruin your memory, because they are so easily able to FORGET things that they've done to hurt you and often wake up a completely different person each day. I was unable to remember any details of my life from the ages of 17-30. I just couldn't recall things when people would take trips down memory lane. I would be suprised when my friends and family said things like "Remember the time so and so happened?" I would be appalled at the things that they said as though I wasn't even present when the event occurred. So, once I learned about narcissism all of my childhood memories came rushing back all at once. That was a scary time, the scariest. I was as close to considering suicide as I could ever be, so depressed and afraid. But these days, after educating myself and restoring my faith, I am a relatively well-functioning human being. Thanks for your sympathy. It goes a long way in helping validate what I've experienced.
Take care
J
