The L Word

[tayana]

I'm not referring to the TV show either. . . . here's what I mean.

About two weeks ago, I slipped and told my girlfriend I loved her on the phone.  We always call each other before bed, and usually talk too long.  I was so stunned by what I said, that I told her it was just reflex, because I always tell M that when I tuck him in.  I didn't really know what I was thinking or feeling, so I left it off.  We have a rule that each of us only has one "take back" per week, and that was mine for the week.

Things have been going slow and steady and nice between us, and I'm really enjoying the way things are developing between us. 

Last night, she came over after M had gone to sleep.  We'd planned on watching a movie, but we ended up falling asleep.  I was so tired, and just before I drifted off, she told she loved me.  I wanted to say it back.  I really wanted to say it back, and when she left this morning, I didn't want her to go.  I just couldn't say those words.  I don't know how I feel, really, or if that subconscious slip wasn't such a slip after all.  I don't want to mess things up, but at the same time, I want to go forward.

I was so strongly reminded of a scene I'd written in a book last night.  My character was falling in love, and refused to admit it, but I don't if the same is happening to me or not.  I don't know how to tell.  I'm so used to fending for myself, that I don't know how to express myself freely.  I just bottle everything up inside.

Nothing happened last night, other than we ended up cuddling and falling asleep, and it was wonderful.

[gratitude28]

Oooooh - Double L

I LOVE the fact that you guys allow yourselves one "take back" a week. I will have to tell my husband that!!!! That is so sweet and considerate. It points to the fact that you two have a very nice and mature relationship.

Things are going fine - don't overthink them, Tay. Just enjoy.

Love, Beth

[tayana]

don't overthink them

Beth, do you know my girlfriend laughs at me because I have to agonize over the smallest decisions?  She thinks it's cute.  I personally hate the fact that I almost obsessively do this, and I was really surprised that I managed to say "yes" when she asked me to make things official as far as having a relationship.  It was so sweet.  She brought me roses and everything.  I was sicker than a dog, and she came over and took care of M for me and made me mac and cheese.  Sorry . . . no one does things like that for me.

We've talked about her moving into my house as a roommate, not anything else, to share expenses.  It would really help me out, and I really like the idea, but of course I have to spend months torturing myself with the idea and agonizing over what my family will think, even though I don't really care.  I don't care, but at the same time I still agonize over their reaction.  H and I joke about it.  She says I should just tell them, "I bought a house and my girlfriend is moving in."

I wish it was that simple.

[gratitude28]

Hee hee... do you think your mom's jaw would drop completely??????? LOL.

You are on all the right tracks. Keep on keepin' on and you will be fine

Yes, I know what it is to analyze my cornflakes (Do you think it was a message that made them appear in the milk that way? Did someone arrange them like that to tell me something? Do cornflakes have a life of their own and am I destroying that life????) lololol - not really, but man I can drive myself nuts...

Lots of love,
Beth

[tayana]

H and I think she might drop dead from a heart attack.  I'm trying to decide if she'd stop speaking to me forever and how I'd feel about that.

Oh, Beth, you analyze your cornflakes too?  Actually mine is Cheerios.  Sometimes I think they're trying to tell me something like, "stop being an idiot."

[tayana]

She says I should just tell them, "I bought a house and my girlfriend is moving in."

I don't think your mom would get it, do you?

Honestly?  No.  She would consider it an example of how I can't make it on my own, which I can, but the roommate situation would make my life SO much easier.

Short of holding up a big sign, I don't think the woman gets it.  I've dropped hints, we aren't talking little hints here, we're talking major hints, and they've gone over her head. 

I joked with my girlfriend the other day that we could go out to my mom's house, get the rest of my stuff, and when I introduce H, just say, and this is H, my lesbian lover, we're just going to get my stuff and go  now.

I'm not sure she would get it then either.

I'm trying to keep myself thinking more about exploring & discovering - rather than categorizing, labelling, etc - so that I don't just transfer the analysis I developed over my life (to figure out what was "wrong" with me!!) to the good stuff, when I should be figuring out how to just enjoy it and have fun.

I'm trying to do this.  I still have a really hard time making decisions though.  I try to go with the flow, but it doesn't always work.  Luckily, H understands and thinks my annoying habit is "cute."

[tayana]

Izzy, we met in October or November.  I can't remember which one for sure.  I think it was October, so we've been talking and doing things for a little while now.   

[gratitude28]

Izzy... I think the most important is to listen to your gut. And don't let your brain override your gut, because it is right so much of the time.

[tayana]

Beth,

I tend to go with my gut.  Too often, I let my brain get ahead of my gut.

So my gut said buy the house, and I went with it, even though my brain isn't so sure about it.

My gut said I liked the girl, even though my brain was conjuring up all kinds of reasons to run and hide.

I get caught up in this dilemma a lot.  Sometimes I just have to let go.

It's a pity, I don't have this self control when shopping is involved.

[gratitude28]

But shoes are sooooooo cool...

[tayana]

Yes, I know, and so are kitchen things and house things and things and things . . . .

See what I mean?