Author Topic: Dealing with an Abusive Mother  (Read 1853 times)

ann3

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Dealing with an Abusive Mother
« on: March 09, 2008, 03:06:11 AM »
I think the answer is awesome:

http://counsellingresource.com/ask-the-psychologist/2007/12/10/dealing-with-abusive-mother/

The reader’s question, with the reply by Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD, continues below

Q: I’m writing in response to the person who asked you for advice regarding their abusive father. I am in the same position, although I am still accepting that I have an abusive parent (this is my Mother). I have decided to detach from the family because of my Mother, but I am still in contact with my Father. I grew up being aware that the family life was not healthy, but my sister and Father have accepted and condoned it. I have told them that I will no longer condone my Mother’s abusive behaviour, but I have no wish to try and persuade them to do the same. Aside from feeling like the outsider of the family, or the black sheep, I feel guilt and sadness towards my Father, as he is a good man, and I feel that he is trapped in the middle.
I have never spoken out until now — I am 29 years of age, and this has come as a huge shock to my family. I decided to step away from family life in order to get some perspective, and have since managed to see her behaviour with a little more clarity. I have changed the relationship completely with my Mother, and now I am unsure as to whether or not I want to see her again. I feel as though I am grieving, because the relationship I have had with her was based on my being quiet/subservient. Now that I have said what I feel, we are no longer talking, and I don’t honestly know if I like/love or respect her.
My main issue is leaving my Father to deal with this. I want to keep in contact with him, but I no longer want a relationship with her. This is putting him into an awful position, and he is getting older now.

A: People with what psychiatry calls “personality disorders” often have children. Their personality disorder features then become part of their parenting behavior and contaminate their relationship with their children. As you have seen, everyone in the family must develop a strategy to deal with the abusive behavior. Your father has decided “til death do us part” and your sister may have her own strategy. Once you’ve taken your position, you must now select your strategy. You can completely detach from Mother, emotionally detach, etc. As we often find in personality disorders, your Mother now feels entitled to punish you for confronting her behavior. If you don’t play the game with a personality disorder, they don’t take the ball and go home — they try to beat you senseless with the ball.

Folks in your situation take several strategies. The live independently of the family with selective contacts with other family members, they meet nontoxic family members (Dad, sister, etc.) at other places such as your sister’s home or grandparents’, or they might recognize that Mother is who she is and come to the house very emotionally insulated. It’s like working in a prison…you go to work each morning knowing that you may be called names, threatened, etc. — but you know that’s who/how the inmates are and you don’t take that personally. You can read up on personality disorders (antisocial, histrionic, and borderline) and see which behaviors are present in your Mother. Recognize that it’s her personality — not you as a daughter — that creates her abusive behavior. Also recognize that she will never accept responsibility for her abusiveness, will always feel entitled to punish you if you dare question her behavior, and will always expend all her effort to control, manipulate, and abuse others so that she maintains her position as undisputed ruler and controller of the family. Literally, it’s all about her. You can have a very happy and successful life without the acceptance and even love of your mother. You can’t have a happy and successful life if you remain involved in her manipulations, abuse, and drama.

This article was last reviewed by Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD on Monday, 10th December 2007 at 10:49 am and is filed in the section(s): Abuse and Trauma, Parenting and Children.

« Last Edit: March 09, 2008, 03:09:41 AM by ann3 »

Leah

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Re: Dealing with an Abusive Mother
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2008, 09:02:10 AM »
Wow! Ann

Grateful thanks for posting this article and reply, most timely indeed, for I am at present working on my personal feelings of guilt, having gone No Contact with my highly abusive, and sadly, personality disordered, mother.

The following is poignant, most helpful, reassuring ....

As we often find in personality disorders, your Mother now feels entitled to punish you for confronting her behavior. If you don’t play the game with a personality disorder, they don’t take the ball and go home — they try to beat you senseless with the ball.

My mother has, beat me senseless with her ball.  Her final cleverly planned game play, remains to this very day, an absolute stunner.

Literally, it’s all about her. You can have a very happy and successful life without the acceptance and even love of your mother. You can’t have a happy and successful life if you remain involved in her manipulations, abuse, and drama.

The above is true, seemingly, it is not possible, to have a happy and successful life, with an inner sense of completeness, wholeness, authentic self, if one remains involved in their manipulations, abuse and drama.

And I purposely include ... being involved by dwelling upon them in thoughts.

Regarding my own personal life experience, thoughts, and worldview, presently.

Thank you, Ann

Leah x

PS >  I am having to live on and through, the very real life effects of my mother's cruel Arrows ...

http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=4364.msg67276#msg67276
« Last Edit: March 09, 2008, 09:23:28 AM by LeahsRainbow »
Jun 2006 voiceless seeking

April 2008 - "The Gaslight Effect" How to Spot & Survive by Dr. Robin Stern - freedom of understanding!

The Truth About Abuse VIDEO

Ami

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Re: Dealing with an Abusive Mother
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2008, 09:14:05 AM »
Thank you Ann. Great article!               Love Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Violet

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Re: Dealing with an Abusive Mother
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2008, 09:47:13 AM »
This is a great article!  I especially love the "going to work in a prison" metaphor!
Thanks!  V

flowerpower

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Re: Dealing with an Abusive Mother
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2008, 09:55:41 AM »
Excellent article, Ann. Thank You!

I am currently on a very limited contact with my personality disordered mother using emotional detachment when we do talk. The answer from the psychologist is something that will be great to read when I need a reminder of why I need to stay vigilant and not get sucked back in to any of my mother's manipulations and drama. 

dandylife

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Re: Dealing with an Abusive Mother
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2008, 10:24:05 AM »
It fascinates me that each personality disorder seems to have it's own script - it's own list of behaviors. And the disordered person literally seems to be following a script. Mind blowing.

What happens when these people meet each other? An N could not marry another N, for instance. It just wouldn't work. There is no "it's all about US"!

Also interesting how angry that abusive people get when they get a taste of their own medicine.

Dandylife
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"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

debkor

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Re: Dealing with an Abusive Mother
« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2008, 08:39:24 AM »
Hi Ann,

Like Izzy I am doing the same.  I'm dealing with an N friend who I stopped talking to and gave in so I could see and talk to her children.

I'm able to keep her at arms length but what she does to her children, ay,yi,yi,yi.   :x :(

Love
Deb

gratitude28

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Re: Dealing with an Abusive Mother
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2008, 09:36:15 AM »
Ann,
Thank you so much. That is a wonderful article with practical advice.
I wonder if the person's mother is openly abusive. I suffer from the fact that what my mother does is covert. And it is very subtle. How does one combat that? If I say she is cruel, she is able to make it look like I am 'sensitive' and 'taking things the wrong way.'
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

ann3

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Re: Dealing with an Abusive Mother
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2008, 12:15:39 PM »
I'm glad this article resonated with so many of you.  I loved the part about viewing ourselves like prison guards and not taking it personally.  I also like the part about having a happy life w/o being accepted by an N parent. 

As sad as this article is, it does give us hope.

Hopalong

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Re: Dealing with an Abusive Mother
« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2008, 02:55:21 PM »
Wonderful, Ann...thank you!

I especially like this part:

Literally, it’s all about her. You can have a very happy and successful life without the acceptance and even love of your mother. You can’t have a happy and successful life if you remain involved in her manipulations, abuse, and drama.

Hear, hear!

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."