You are doing it! YOU ARE DOING IT! YOU ARE GONNA MAKE IT!!
Overcomer - I really think so. I think I have finally reached the "hump" point where more days (or minutes) will be easier than difficult. Something happened today that made me really feel that I have reached the point that I can finally "believe" that I can accomplish things rather than fight that indescribably dreaded sense of facing each and every obstacle to have to yet again face failure and public humiliation. Today, tonight at each turn I found I could "imagine" what I wanted to happen. In working with my son to get his homework done (a nightmare for the past few weeks) at each sentence he had to write he would cry and complain and I kept holding an image of him finishing his work. I never gave into my fear or powerlessness or frustration just kept holding this image of him finishing and he got it done. When I put him to bed (he is on a new medicine that has really made going to sleep hellish for the past week or so) I lay beside him and kept holding an image of his face so gentle when asleep, his little lips softly partly and that smooth gentle breathing pattern of sleep. He would toss and turn and talk and I never gave into the fear or frustration, just kept turning that image of his sleeping.
After he was asleep I was tired and wanted to give in to sleep but I had 5 doz eggs to boil for an Easter party tomorrow. I wanted to give up and go to sleep and do it tomorrow (when there is no time to complete it) but instead I kept holding the image of doing what I had promised and saw myself finishing it and Voila! I got it done.
It would be impossible to describe what a triumph this is for me. I have been working towards this for a dozen years, trying to change my damaged thoughts from fear and undeserving and shame to setting a desire and actually being able to finish something, to accomplish something, to say I will do that and be able to believe that I actually can honestly follow through. It is life changing. It is though I stand on the threshhold of the life I have always hoped to have - to simply be able to say, "I'll do that" and actually be able to do it. It's like being alive for the first time after living in a nightmare for the first 50 years.
I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I wish to be, I am not what I hope to be...
but by the grace of God, I am not what I once was.
Oh Carolyn - thank you!!!!! That is just lovely. And I really can claim that today. It feels so good. Thanks for your encouragement. I have real hope today. True hope. At long, long last. True hope. Oh, how about - certain hope. Yes, even I can be Certain Hope today.
I have been making myself have people over-FORCING myself! It works!
Overcomer - this sounds fantastic. It makes sense. I sort of feel like I experienced that this morning when I got that "storage" room cleared out after thinking, "there is no way I can do this." But I'm not sure I really understand. Tell me about what you mean. I'm very interested in understanding how it works.
Hops Words cannot describe how powerfully moved I am by your post. I first read, "GS....
I am so so so proud of you. If I lived w/in 50 miles I would be there with champagne (to share after we finish it together)." And got up to get my car keys and get on the road for that glass of bubbly. And then I read -
I don't know how, but I want to tell you I am POSITIVE that your recent posts have affected me. After a long stretch of the old paralysis, and after sleeping for almost 2 days off and on first, on Monday I worked for 7 hours straight and simply Got It Done (the paperwork backlog). I know that the stunner of reading all you'd accomplish, working beside your rough moments, acknowledging them yet continuing to move...really had an impact on me. If GS can do it, so can I! And I was deeply moved in a way that I cannot put into words - something like - I feel really connected - this is the way human to human connections can work, that we can move each other - no these phrases don't even get close - just deeply moved, something powerful.
I remember I had been thinking, oh I'd better hire someone, I know someone who sometimes sits with my mother, I could ask her...then I began to think, how on earth would I instruct her to help me? I thought, well I'd tell her, we're going to clear the dining room table and just open everything, all the envelopes, and put what's alike together, in reverse chronological order, and I'll put postits on anything that needs a new file... That's it. Yeah - that's it. Once we can see it being done - then we can do it. It is everything to be able to imagine it, to see it, to visualize it. Unbelievable Hops - that's incredible.
And once I'd thought that through, I realized, I can do it. Just go do it. I put on absorbing political talk radio, and the seven hours went by calmly, and carried over to the next day. I took my mother's tax info to her accountant in impeccable order for the first time. And I'll do my own this weekend.
Thank you, GS. Serious thanks. I'm so impressed and I'm also inspired. You've tackled your mother's taxes and now I can tackle mine. Now that's a whole other subject for me - IRS knocking on my door - so to speak. You can do it Hops - I can do it. Thanks.
Ami - I now know that the shame has without question been THE debilitating factor in my life. Darren has been writing about being diagnosed with depression and not knowing it. Last year I figured out that I had anxiety and never knew it. I have had anxiety my entire life and never knew it until a month after I joined VESMB. But all that anxiety was COMPLETELY a result of the wretched, life destroying shame that had been crippling me my entire life. There is no question in my mind that joining this board was fundamental in my process of facing and overcoming the shame and anxiety to a point where I believe that I am on my way to living a full and good life. And these are words that I have never written nor felt before. Today is a real turning point. And I give thanks to all of you and to this remarkable place. Thank you all. With love - GS
love
Hops
