Author Topic: Using the board to move forward  (Read 2574 times)

Gaining Strength

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Using the board to move forward
« on: March 12, 2008, 01:51:29 PM »
I arranged to have carpet installed in my upstairs - 3 rooms and a hallway plus stairs.  To save a little money I chose to move the furniture myself.  One of the rooms has been used as storage for YEARS and so this gave my an opportunity to organize and straigthen up. 

It was a huge ordeal.  I moved all the furniture into the bathroom but all the stuff in the storage was moved downstairs into the living room or outside to be thrown away.  I began working on getting the furniture moved day before yesterday but last night I could not get going.  Before the carpet came I had finished the two functioning bedrooms but had not started on the junk room. 

I did not know how I was going to get it done.  When the carpet people came I told them that I would have to reschedule the other room but then I just kept working.  About ten o'clock I had completely run out of energy and will.  I wanted to stop and rest.  I wanted to get on line and talk to someone here and then I thought - I'll just talk to the members of the board in my mind.  So I did and I felt encouraged.  I was toggling between that shame that is so defeating and the courage to keep moving forward and moving forward won.

Now I have to face moving everything back and finding a way to store everything else.  That is a whole other job that I hope I can find the courage and energy for.  Today I am beginning to get some hope.  It is so important to focus on what is in front and not get look back - just keep looking forward.

Today I did the impossible and I can fiinish the impossible by putting everything back.  Last Saturday I geot my son to clean out and clean up his multiple toy boxes in his grandmother's room.  He did a great job.  The trick was after sorting to actually finish putting everything back up and throwing the trash part away and putting the give away bag in a place where it will be accessible. We did it and now I have to FINISH this job.  Finishing is always the most difficult part.

gratitude28

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2008, 01:55:54 PM »
Ooooooh GS -
I know what you mean. I get started and get a lot done, but always leave some. I want to be one of those people who always finishes things!!!!!!!!!  How do we get there? How do we make that part of our being?????
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Gaining Strength

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2008, 03:34:38 PM »
All I need is ONE person there, just present, and I can FINISH.  I am going to try very, very hard to finish getting my house in oder.  It has been such a struggle for 6 long years.  But I am getting the finishing fever.  If I get a bad case I'll send some your way in a vial. - yours - GS

I may change my name to "getting there".  I feel like I am really getting there.

Overcomer

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2008, 04:45:38 PM »
You are doing it!  YOU ARE DOING IT!  YOU ARE GONNA MAKE IT!!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Certain Hope

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2008, 05:20:06 PM »
Dear GS,

You can do it and you WILL do it... I believe in you!

Ran across this quote the other day - from John Newton, who wrote Amazing Grace - and you may appreciate it, too, I hope:

I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I wish to be, I am not what I hope to be...
but by the grace of God, I am not what I once was.

With love,
Carolyn

Overcomer

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2008, 09:37:29 PM »
And every deadline you give yourself will note you towards the end.  I have been making myself have people over-FORCING myself!  It works!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Hopalong

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2008, 10:58:46 PM »
GS....
I am so so so proud of you. If I lived w/in 50 miles I would be there with champagne (to share after we finish it together).

I don't know how, but I want to tell you I am POSITIVE that your recent posts have affected me. After a long stretch of the old paralysis, and after sleeping for almost 2 days off and on first, on Monday I worked for 7 hours straight and simply Got It Done (the paperwork backlog). I know that the stunner of reading all you'd accomplish, working beside your rough moments, acknowledging them yet continuing to move...really had an impact on me. If GS can do it, so can I!

I remember I had been thinking, oh I'd better hire someone, I know someone who sometimes sits with my mother, I could ask her...then I began to think, how on earth would I instruct her to help me? I thought, well I'd tell her, we're going to clear the dining room table and just open everything, all the envelopes, and put what's alike together, in reverse chronological order, and I'll put postits on anything that needs a new file... That's it.

And once I'd thought that through, I realized, I can do it. Just go do it. I put on absorbing political talk radio, and the seven hours went by calmly, and carried over to the next day. I took my mother's tax info to her accountant in impeccable order for the first time. And I'll do my own this weekend.

Thank you, GS. Serious thanks.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Ami

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2008, 11:19:40 PM »
Dear GS,
 You are always an inspiration to me. You ,continually, pull yourself up from pain and shame and "Go On". You are in the back of my mind, very often, when I want to give up. I think of you and how you keep going forward.
 Thank you for all you give and I can see your progress, GS.           Love    Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Gaining Strength

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2008, 01:25:25 AM »
You are doing it!  YOU ARE DOING IT!  YOU ARE GONNA MAKE IT!!

Overcomer - I really think so.  I think I have finally reached the "hump" point where more days (or minutes) will be easier than difficult.  Something happened today that made me really feel that I have reached the point that I can finally "believe" that I can accomplish things rather than fight that indescribably dreaded sense of facing each and every obstacle to have to yet again face failure and public humiliation.  Today, tonight at each turn I found I could "imagine" what I wanted to happen.  In working with my son to get his homework done (a nightmare for the past few weeks) at each sentence he had to write he would cry and complain and I kept holding an image of him finishing his work.  I never gave into my fear or powerlessness or frustration just kept holding this image of him finishing and he got it done.  When I put him to bed (he is on a new medicine that has really made going to sleep hellish for the past week or so) I lay beside him and kept holding an image of his face so gentle when asleep, his little lips softly partly and that smooth gentle breathing pattern of sleep.  He would toss and turn and talk and I never gave into the fear or frustration, just kept turning that image of his sleeping. 

After he was asleep I was tired and wanted to give in to sleep but I had 5 doz eggs to boil for an Easter party tomorrow.  I wanted to give up and go to sleep and do it tomorrow (when there is no time to complete it) but instead I kept holding the image of doing what I had promised and saw myself finishing it and Voila! I got it done.

It would be impossible to describe what a triumph this is for me.  I have been working towards this for a dozen years, trying to change my damaged thoughts from fear and undeserving and shame to setting a desire and actually being able to finish something, to accomplish something, to say I will do that and be able to believe that I actually can honestly follow through.  It is life changing.  It is though I stand on the threshhold of the life I have always hoped to have - to simply be able to say, "I'll do that" and actually be able to do it.  It's like being alive for the first time after living in a nightmare for the first 50 years.

I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I wish to be, I am not what I hope to be...
but by the grace of God, I am not what I once was.


Oh Carolyn - thank you!!!!!  That is just lovely.  And I really can claim that today.  It feels so good.  Thanks for your encouragement.  I have real hope today.  True hope. At long, long last. True hope.  Oh, how about - certain hope.  Yes, even I can be Certain Hope today.

I have been making myself have people over-FORCING myself!  It works!

Overcomer - this sounds fantastic.  It makes sense.  I sort of feel like I experienced that this morning when I got that "storage" room cleared out after thinking, "there is no way I can do this."  But I'm not sure I really understand.  Tell me about what you mean.  I'm very interested in understanding how it works.

Hops  Words cannot describe how powerfully moved I am by your post.  I first read, "GS....
I am so so so proud of you. If I lived w/in 50 miles I would be there with champagne (to share after we finish it together)."
And got up to get my car keys and get on the road for that glass of bubbly.  And then I read -
I don't know how, but I want to tell you I am POSITIVE that your recent posts have affected me. After a long stretch of the old paralysis, and after sleeping for almost 2 days off and on first, on Monday I worked for 7 hours straight and simply Got It Done (the paperwork backlog). I know that the stunner of reading all you'd accomplish, working beside your rough moments, acknowledging them yet continuing to move...really had an impact on me. If GS can do it, so can I!  And I was deeply moved in a way that I cannot put into words - something like - I feel really connected - this is the way human to human connections can work, that we can move each other - no these phrases don't even get close - just deeply moved, something powerful.
I remember I had been thinking, oh I'd better hire someone, I know someone who sometimes sits with my mother, I could ask her...then I began to think, how on earth would I instruct her to help me? I thought, well I'd tell her, we're going to clear the dining room table and just open everything, all the envelopes, and put what's alike together, in reverse chronological order, and I'll put postits on anything that needs a new file... That's it.  Yeah - that's it.  Once we can see it being done - then we can do it.  It is everything to be able to imagine it, to see it, to visualize it.  Unbelievable Hops - that's incredible.
And once I'd thought that through, I realized, I can do it. Just go do it. I put on absorbing political talk radio, and the seven hours went by calmly, and carried over to the next day. I took my mother's tax info to her accountant in impeccable order for the first time. And I'll do my own this weekend.

Thank you, GS. Serious thanks.
  I'm so impressed and I'm also inspired.  You've tackled your mother's taxes and now I can tackle mine.  Now that's a whole other subject for me - IRS knocking on my door - so to speak.  You can do it Hops - I can do it.  Thanks.

Ami - I now know that the shame has without question been THE debilitating factor in my life.  Darren has been writing about being diagnosed with depression and not knowing it.  Last year I figured out that I had anxiety and never knew it.  I have had anxiety my entire life and never knew it until a month after I joined VESMB.  But all that anxiety was COMPLETELY a result of the wretched, life destroying shame that had been crippling me my entire life.  There is no question in my mind that joining this board was fundamental in my process of facing and overcoming the shame and anxiety to a point where I believe that I am on my way to living a full and good life.  And these are words that I have never written nor felt before.  Today is a real turning point.  And I give thanks to all of you and to this remarkable place.  Thank you all.  With love - GS
love
Hops

Overcomer

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2008, 07:59:42 AM »
What I mean is after I went through that major ordeal of moving, I hire a cleaning lady every other week AND I have people over.  Thanksgiving.  Silpada Party.  Staff Party.  I let my d have friends over  All the time.  Why?  It forces me to keep the house clean!
Kelly

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Certain Hope

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2008, 09:04:55 AM »
Kelly, I've found that works for me, too... it's like a way to hold myself accountable and I need that.


((((((((((GS))))))))))  I am rejoicing with you in this wonderful triumph! Yes, you can be certain hope today!!  :D

Much love,
Carolyn


gratitude28

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2008, 09:05:45 AM »
GS!!!!!
Thanks for the kick in the butt!!! I'm gonna do it too!!! I am so proud of you and I want to follow suit! I am about three quarters of the way organized, I think - so I am within doable range. I really want to be in order before we (gulp) move again!
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

gratitude28

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2008, 11:10:30 AM »
I want to clean my basement, I want to clean my clothes up, I want to have an apple for lunch... I'm trying, really, Amber :)
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Ami

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2008, 11:17:37 AM »
Dear GS,
 I think that you pushed over a hump------I am so happy for you and inspired by your courage!           Love    Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Leah

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Re: Using the board to move forward
« Reply #14 on: March 13, 2008, 06:14:19 PM »

((((( GS )))))

Happy for you, and your marvelous progress.

Love, Leah
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