sexual abuse

[Gaining Strength]

I think you are extremel courageous James.

I hope you will find that this is exactly the place that you can begin to face your story.  Here you are anonymous, noone knows who you are or where you live or work or who your family or friends are.  What you post here won't get back to anyone you know.  Plus as you have already stated.  You can post and then simply disappear.  Or you can post and disappear only to reemerge as someone else.  No one will know. 

I admire your courage and I hope for you real healing, deep, soul soothing healing.  And I hope that you find some of that healing here.  It is a good place for getting the support and encouragement you need.  And when it isn't you can disappear and noone can find you unless you want to be found. 

You can post about this subject or delete this whole thread and never mention it again.  Hang in there. - GS

[James]

Gs....thank you for your thoughts they help. I guess i really am anonymous i haven't been feeling that way. Unless anyone objects i'm going to start sharing bits of my story here. I feel too onstage posting my story right now. Maybe some of the easier stuff and a little history etc. When I was 19 or 20 I had a serious breakdown and during this period i developed a form of dissociation called Derealization. My current therapist explained it as me trying to make the whole world unreal in order to avoid what happened. With it went most memories. It has diminished in intensity this year as i've really started facing a lot of my issues. I finally got up the nerve to ask my therapist if i had an attachment disorder and she told me yes. I never could really trust anyone. Recently for the first time i experienced the feeling of genuine intimacy and trust with her. It's one of the sweetest feelings i have ever known and its getting easier all the time. I have had all kinds of weird symtoms like being easily startled. It hurt for anyone to touch me even someone brushing up against me in an elevator could be painful. When I was younger i had a fair amt of OCD symtoms like counting etc. a lot of this has left. My family looks perfect to other people but they don't have any idea. I have two sisters and we were "coached" as children to never talk about what went on or else. I recently lost two longtime friends when i tried to tell them what happened. They didn't believe me and told me to forgive them and not tell them any more. They know my parents and said they thought i was lying. That hurt and made me angry but there was nothing i could do. My father can be one of the cruelest people i've ever seen and my mom is a narcissist big time. I figured out something recently. When I was 10 or so I was playing ball with him. I wated to impress him and asked him to throw it as hard as he could. I missed the catch and it knocked the breath out of me. I couln't cry and i rn over to him and he was laughing. I didn't iknow why but i rationalized he was scared too. I've realized he was laughing because he enjoyed hurting me and didn't look bad in this case. One time when i came home from school  police cars were in front of the house and neighbors were standing around. they told me my sister had tried to kill hersellf by cutting her wrists. i went to her room and there was blood everywhere. I dont know what i was feeling, just numb i guess. I was afraid of what my parents were going to do fearful of my parents were going to do. I sat down and when mon and sister finally got home from the hospital my sister was bandaged on both arms. It took almost 100 stitches. My mom was so angry. i couldn't believe what she was doing. All she could talk about was how my sister embarassed her in front of the neighbors and how the blood messed up her carpet and everything. She was just furious.  My sister was shock and so was I. We just listened to her rage. I always felt so dirty its a little hard to explain but i was obssesed with taking showers sometimes 5-6 a day. I really do have the connection now.   James

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((James)))))))))))))))))))))))

How horrible for you and your sister. Where is your sister now?
Can you write down a stream of consciousness journal to let everything out and then burn it? Maybe taking it all out and giving it away will help relieve the pressure.
Love, Beth

[finding peace]

 
 
Dear James,

I have been thinking of you.  I hope you are OK.

As hard as the memories and emotions are, it is good that they are coming up and getting out.

When I first told my story here, I was shocked at that emotional storm that I went through afterwards.  I had no idea I had so many emotions locked away.  I posted my story, and went through emotional flooding that lasted about 2-3 weeks.  I was raw, shaky, crying, enraged, and I couldn’t control the flood of emotions; they just kept pouring out. 

Now I see that I had this core of emotions that I had locked down tight, so tight that I wasn’t even aware it was there.  I told my story and it ripped the lid off those emotions and opened a flood gate. 

As hard as it was to go through – a couple of months later, I feel so much better; cleaner and more at peace about it all if that makes any sense. It will get better James, hang in there.

There is so much good advice here – take your time; be very, very gentle with yourself;  and try not to do it alone. 

You did not deserve any of what happened to you.  It takes a tremendous amount of courage to face the horrors of the past, and put them to rest, where they belong. 

(((((James)))))

Take care,
Peace

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((((James)))))))))))  I can only echo Finding Peace's wise counsel.

Please do take things very gently, at your own pace, and guard your precious heart.

Carolyn

[James]

Hi gratitude.....Thank you for asking about my sister, it was horrible. My sister today lives alone after several failed marriages. Her only child, a son, was released from prison in Nov. after a conviction for drug trafficking. He is highly intelligent but completely unaware of his true nature. My sister is in total denial, this supported partly by the physical comforts that her successful career provides. thank you for your caring support in the last few hours.  Findingpeace and Certain Hope....what you write is exactly true. I was flooded after simply posting "sexual abuse" I was caught off guard which is a rare thing for me. Momentarily i was lost in the chaos of my feelings. After a few hrs of sleep i do feel better and find hope and a better understanding in order to bring my nightmare to an end. Bringing it out of the darkness into light, i see only now, is a major and very important step. I see both of you have been down this road before me and your thoughts and care have been invaluable. thank you  Hi Ami... I was worried that parts of my story might have triggered painful feelings for you at a time when you have more than enough to bear. I hope this was not the case. And if it was i am so sorry. In the short time that i have known you your hugs and constant support have meant so much, more than you might know. I wish you were here. I would love to give you a big hug now!!    It's clear one of the greatest obstacles i had to challenge was the illusion of love my whole family carried including me. We all believed it and projected it out to the world and amongst ourselves. Nothing could have been further from the true. It was a complete lie a total brainwashing. Probably the most painful manifestation of all of this, as an adult,  was my inability to form and maintain intimate relationships. Recently I met a girl i liked and she seemed to like me. We painted outdoors together for awhile and took simple walks in the park with her dog and just talked. Sadly i believe i drove her away. I've gained a lot of insight in the last 24 hrs. I see i have been pushing people away myself or they just give up trying to reach me. At the very deepest level of my soul was a core of shame. Total disgust for who i am from all that had happened. Selfhatred. I wanted to be loved but was so afraid of someone finding out who i was and being rejected. Plus how in good conscience could i hold my head high knowing that i had inflicted a disgusting person, such as i, upon another decent human being.  In Alice Miller's thinking i essentially quit protecting my parents and faced the truth.   James

[Ami]

Dear James,
 You are doing so well ,facing the truth. It is SO hard,but the "truth" IS the beacon out of the darkness, step by step. Please don't worry about triggering me. I want to face all the lies of my life. I think I already have faced most of them. If others emerge, I will face  them and emerge stronger.
 Thanks for your kind words and a hug right back at you!!!!     Ami

PS I wanted to add  that I understand the shame of not letting anyone see you. I used to have this really badly,but it is getting better , as I face all the truths in my life. Many of them are that I AM OK, after all.

[Certain Hope]

(((((James))))) I wish there were an easier way for you... but I don't know any other method than to proceed just as you're doing here... and I pray that you'll always have a soft place to rest when the time is right for that. You come across as having a very sweet spirit, James... and no one can rob you of that. Hang on.

Carolyn

[Leah]

(((((( James ))))))

[Ami]

Dear James
  I did not see the post with your F and the baseball.
  My M used to scare and shock me with smirk ,on her face. I ,literally, wanted to become a puddle and disappear that I could have a M who  was this disgusting to me.I remember feeling so hopeless and so trapped that the person I had to depend on LIKED to frighten and shock a helpless kid.
 I felt extreme hopelessness.
 Knowing she LIKED to hurt me was one of the worst parts. If a person was retarded or had  Tourettes syndrome and could not help it,it would be one thing,but the willfullness of hurting you for pleasure was really unbearable.
 I am SO sorry, James, beyond words.                Love   Ami
 

[debkor]

Hey James,

I noticed you say you like to paint.  How about trying to express yourself through painting.  There was this young girl I knew who was an incredible artist.

She brought me over an old window frame from a farm house that she painted on.  I was shocked and the story it told was frighting to me.  She on the other hand I don't think was aware of it.  I believe she was releasing her true feelings in an unconscious manner.

It was of a little girl (in blacks only) I don't know what the artist term would be but she was sitting on the floor with her head to her knees and a Huge Shadow towering over her. 

I asked, who is this in the picture?  What inspired you?  She looked at me like, What?  She said it was no one.  Just a picture she drew and I don't think she really consciously knew why. I did not press the issue.

Her father was an abuser.  He would beat her mother.  The mother would lie about it and I know she must have been terrified as a small child but she blocked it.  I do believe this was her in the picture.

We have never spoken about it again but I sure do hope she continues to paint and release those inner monsters.

Love
Deb

[James]

Ami.....I couldn't afford to know who my father really was back then but its clear now. I accept the truth but it still makes me mad all the things he did. It's very easy for me to imagine how you must have felt around your NM. Those weird smirk or eye disclosures from parents like ours can produce a lot of fear and all kinds of emotions. the child simply doesn't have the ability to fight back and understand in most cases. I'm still shocked that your mom is a therapist. I want to know more about what she did. Did the label of therapist strengthen your denial any? I probably would have though oh she really doesn't mean those things since she does so much good. Sorry you had to grow up with her. I'm thinking about starting a topic here whre people can share their thoughts on what makes a good/bad therapist.  It might be helpful for people in search of one?   Find your rage!!!  James

[James]

Phoenix....sorry its take me a while to get back with you. The most important thing anyone could have said to me right now is they don't think i'm disgusting. Conceiling that feeling of my self all these years has virtually destroyed any chances i had of having meaniful relationships. I hope this changes. Looks like were both members of "the big lie club". I'm sorry you had to go thru what you have. I sense you have been healing for awhile gives me hope by your sharing.. That helps so much. Well I don't know if i'm a very good artist but i do like to paint. I joined a plein air group last fall and thats where I met the girl I was talking about. i find that anything creative has helped me maintain my sanity thru all this. Its so healing in its on way.  One way to listen to ourselves if we pay attention to what its saying.  Thanks so much  James

[James]

Dear Carolyn.......Thank you for sharing what you felt about my spirit. in all the confusion i lived in sometimes i doubted everything including this. I think that came from keeping everything inside for so long and my rage blocked me from seeing it at times. Anger was not allowed in my family. I see its healthy now and its made me feel alot better towards my self to get it out along with my story. I didn't think of it but it really is something that people can't take away from me. Thanks for reminding me   James

[James]

Hi Deb.........I love to paint but not sure how good i am at it. My therapist has always encouraged me to paint as much as possible just for the reason you described in your story. I got into painting large abstract very expressive ones. The comments i got from most people were that they could feel a lot of anger. The art didn't lie and some of the people were truthful enough to share their feelings about what they saw.This helped me to eventually find that anger. Although after this was pointed out to me i quit doing them because I was afraid of what others would feel about me. I may return to a large format and see what my abstracts look like these days. Good idea, thanks for the suggestion.   James