Oh, Beth, I understand about the rationalizations... but they don't work, I don't think... because the problem isn't the doc or dentist (althought they can certainly compound the difficulty, if they're lacking in people skills.)
But no, the problem, or "mental block", was in me.
I was afraid to see the doctor, because I knew that I wasn't doing even the most basic things to take care of myself.
Even once I gave up the alcohol, I was still smoking... and not eating.
I prayed through these things, confessed them to God, sought His help... and gave up smoking.
Naturally, it wasn't gonna be that simple - lol. That's when my bp really went through the roof.
Well, somewhere along the way, I decided that I didn't want to die just yet, so it wasn't any great faith that dragged me into the doc's office - it was the sensation that I was gonna stroke out if I didn't do something quickly.
When I told the doc that I suspected my bp had been high for some time, he was amazed. Why hadn't I addressed it?
Well... because I hadn't cared, at the time. I was so stuck in a rut of smoking and caffienating myself to feel better, and I didn't want to give up another of my little pleasures
...
so I'd rather have dropped dead (or at least, so I thought) than to deal with another revelation of my own idiotic choices.
The dentist thing was even worse. Went through the torture of a broken tooth for 2 years, till I couldn't stand it anymore. Truly, it was plain old bullheadedness, with me. And pride.
I didn't want to admit that I needed to submit myself to someone else's care. Didn't want to explain why I'd let it go so long. Didn't want to need help.
ALL of that was wrapped up in my confession to both dentist and doctor, when I simply told them that I'd been afraid.
They didn't need to hear the rest... I just needed to hear myself say it.
Kinda like Kelly, hearing herself, at last, and knowing that she meant it.
For once, I didn't have to pretend to be the strong one. I could trust God to work through these professionals to meet my legitimate needs (YES, it is okay to need help!)
And the spell was broken.
So... I believe that as you give yourself permission to be afraid, the fear loses its grip on you.
And maybe it won't even matter if it's a different doc each time... because you're the one who needs to hear the truth from yourself -
that you have nothing to be ashamed of, that nobody's going to uncover some deep dark secret about you - - because you're just one of many fragile human beings who needs medical care and it's okay to seek that from professionals. There's nothing for their xray vision to spot once you've faced it all internally and accepted that it's okay to be human.
((((((((Beth))))))))
Love,
Carolyn
P.S. It's also more than okay to tell them when they suggest something that your gut tells you isn't right for you! You will learn to know yourself best (something my own internist has taught me, since I opened up to him).
