I awoke this morning with a different level of struggle. First of all my little boy was diagnosed with a new round of strep, his second in 2 months. I am afraid that I have a little of it too. So I am tired and achy and it was rainy and grey outside which did not help at all.
I realized that I have indeed made progress. It feels something like having progressed to a new level in a video game. I am definitely making improvements but the game is not over. But unlike a video game, I sense that the work actually gets easier each round.
I am still facing significant shame issues and the resulting anxiety which is unpleasant - to say the least, but now I know that I will make progress and that there is a good life somewhere on the horizon. I can almost see it.
There have been days when I lay on the couch and repeated some form of an affirmation just to get through the darkness. There were days when I repeated positive affirmations for several hours just to get ONE chore done and there were days when no amount of "meditating" nor affirming got any action accomplished. That seems to have truly passed.
I no longer fear that it will be impossible to accomplish small or large tasks. I now know I can do it. There is still a struggle to it and I will be very, very thankful when the barrier is even lower than today. But until that time, I now know that if I set a goal, I will accomplish it and that feels great.
