Fantasy vs Reality

[Kimberli63]

Illusions are what brings the greatest pain because they allow us to think they are real, when they are not. That sets us up for  disappointment because when we find they aren't real, we realise that most of our beliefs and the values in our lives are based on a fantasy that can not and will not be sustained. 

Living life as realistically as we can is hard but it is the only way to achieve a level of peace in our lives. Some people never achieve this state of mind because it means they have to look inside themselves and question their values.

Kim in Oz.

[alone48]

I think you hit the nail on the head. I had lunch with a friend this weekend and she told me I would start getting better once I admitted that I had loved N. I said, I know that I loved what I thought he was, but I never knew the real him. To have love an illusion is so difficult, can't let go off something that never was.

[Ami]

Dear Kim,
 Thank you for this thread. I remember the moment when I became emotionally ill and could not get back. I chose to believe that my N M was "good" and I was 'bad".
SHE became my role model.
 I tried to become like she. What a horrible road I have been on.
 I am trying to get off ,now, by facing the truth about myself, her, and life.
One thing kept me sane, as long as I did stay sane. It was,"*I* am NOT like she."That one sentence,I would repeat and repeat. When ,I stopped seeing it ,I was lost.
 Now, it is a matter of facing all the shame she put on me, once she took me prisoner . It is so hard. It got inside me, deeply. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have ALL her influence gone and have my "own" mind. It doesn't work that way. I feel like I am digging to China ,with a spoon, sometimes.
                                                   Love  Ami

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
I am so sorry you are hurting. Facing our illusions really hurts. That is why we don't face them,I guess. However, honesty will heal us .It is a promise and it has been working for me, not as fast as I would like, but maybe as fast as I CAN take.
 keep sharing, Alone. I have missed you.            Love   Ami

[debkor]

Iz,

I have to agree with you there.  I feel pretty much the same. I also read the red flags too late. But then when the illusion was gone he (my exh) became as transparent to me as a chameleon.  I could see he changed his colors according to his moods and in different backgrounds to blend in (camouflage himself).   Protect him from being seen. 

Oh man when I realized this I felt, Icky. Not hurt. Then I got mad.  What came to mind when my illusions were over was, creepy, fake, con artist, s.o.b Nut Job. 

Now I no longer have any feelings.  He is just a story now and I’m sure he is still a creepy, fake, con artist, s.o.b, and nut job.
God Help anyone who gets involved with him.

See no more illusions.

Just keeping it Real.

It is what it is.

Love
Deb

[Ami]

That is a very profound post. Bee.
I used to read "The Prophet", by Gibran. when I was younger. It kept me grounded. It talked about "spaces in your togetherness". I really liked that b/c I "knew" intuitively, that it was true.
 As we get older and more codependent, we forget this and want others to fill us up. I have to unlearn codependency and re-learn  Gibran's POV.
 Keep Sharing, Bee. You sound very clear thinking to me. Be careful how you label yourself, or let ANYONE else label you. That can be very harmful(IMO)
 You are a sensitive, insightful person who had hard experiences and 'adapted' accordingly. That would be the only label I would take, as I see it, anyway.                        Love    Ami

[Betelgeuse]

Yes Izzy, but they'd largely overlap, wouldn't they? After all, narcissistic parents provide the best schooling for a future partner of an N.