Sudden voicelessness relapse

[flowerpower]

I have been struck mute as far as posting goes and even reading posts of late.

Do any of you have periods where you suddenly can't voice your thoughts or feelings for no obvious reason after starting to share?

I have been alternating between sadness and more positive feelings related to my work and marriage. I don't really know how I feel anymore. It is like my head is in charge and it keeps changing its mind about what it thinks so my feelings are all over the place.

I have been married for 15 years and when I think about my marriage I become tearful and sad and hopeless. My husband is not abusive. He is just lacking in emotional understanding. His empathy is very limited. I feel very alone in the relationship.  Does anyone relate to this?

I feel like I am at the mercy of my moods. I do fine at work all day and others see me as cheerful and pleasant. I can easily go from cheerful to sad and exhausted with little warning.

So if my posting is hit and miss that is why. I appreciate the kindness you have all shown me and I hope to find more of a voice soon.

[Iphi]

Hi flower - I have muteness periods in life.  I haven't been able to post about that yet.  So don't worry I know how it feels.  Take your time - it's all yours. 

[Ami]

Dear Flowerpower,
 It may be that you are afraid to voice deep pain, shame, fear etc. You may feel that these feelings are too "vulnerable" for you to share. That would be my guess.Maybe,you fear rejection. Maybe ,you had your feelings shut down and dismissed ,as a child. Maybe, you were rejected and hurt, for deep feelings.
 My remedy would be to "force" yourself out of that space and post. You could start small. I think that yoy will find a freedom ,if you push past this block.
 Many ,many times that I post, I hate it. Others may hate it, too(lol). However, I HAVE to find my lost voice and sharing, particlulrly, when I DON"T want to ,is crucial.
 Try to start small ,about your marriage, dissapointments, feelings you are holding inside,fears etc. Take a chance and see what happens.
 James  and Darren are amazing b/c they are opening up and seeing that they are not '"different" or alone. They have been embraced and you can feel the healing they are experiencing. That is my opinion, anyway.Ask your heart to give you the answer.                A Big Hug,    Ami

(((((((Flowerpower))))))))

[SilverLining]

I have been struck mute as far as posting goes and even reading posts of late.

Do any of you have periods where you suddenly can't voice your thoughts or feelings for no obvious reason after starting to share?

I have been alternating between sadness and more positive feelings related to my work and marriage. I don't really know how I feel anymore. It is like my head is in charge and it keeps changing its mind about what it thinks so my feelings are all over the place.

Hi Flower.  It may be just a normal rhythm.  Two steps forward, one back.  It seems to go that way for me.  I have periods of despair, that seem to be followed by improvements to better levels.  I try to stand back from the "downswings" and not identify with them or get too carried away by the process.  But old habits can be a challenge.   I recall a line from a psychological/spiritual lecture I once heard:   How do we find ourselves "down in the dumps"?  We walk down the road, go through the entrance and jump in. 

[James]

Hi Flowerpower.........i feel like i've been mute much of my life until recently. You are not alone. The fear of our parents we carry sometimes even as an adult sometimes forces old confusion and unprocessed hurtful memories into adult situations and plays havoc with our emotions. I can image this in your story of the lack of emtional connection with your husband. Do you think it possible that similar childhood hurts , for instance, the painful rejection one sometimes feels as a child, by simple neglect on our parents part or otherwise, may be creating in an old way this old struggle producing pain now? If so the struggle was back then but resolving the old issue may give you freedom to experince in a different way something new with a different outcome. Children in these situations are mostly helpless but often carry into life the story without recognizing it today feeling helpless and fearful again of their own emotions...if one can reexperience these old traumas of days gone by we can develop the very real experience of seeing how it affects our lives today and produce confusion and fear and how it becomes the pain we feel. Just a thought  Warmly  James

[SilverLining]

Hi Flowerpower.........i feel like i've been mute much of my life until recently. You are not alone. The fear of our parents we carry sometimes even as an adult sometimes forces old confusion and unprocessed hurtful memories into adult situations and plays havoc with our emotions. I can image this in your story of the lack of emtional connection with your husband. Do you think it possible that similar childhood hurts , for instance, the painful rejection one sometimes feels as a child, by simple neglect on our parents part or otherwise, may be creating in an old way this old struggle producing pain now? If so the struggle was back then but resolving the old issue may give you freedom to experince in a different way something new with a different outcome. Children in these situations are mostly helpless but often carry into life the story without recognizing it today feeling helpless and fearful again of their own emotions...if one can reexperience these old traumas of days gone by we can develop the very real experience of seeing how it affects our lives today and produce confusion and fear and how it becomes the pain we feel. Just a thought  Warmly  James

An excellent thought James.  I think sometimes we can be "triggered" by subtle things we may not even be aware of.  Then we are back in the old struggle, making current "molehills into mountains".   Maybe the current challenges can be turned into a means to address the old problems, with a better outcome.

[James]

Trj100.....i feel it critical in true recovery that each seeks to understand the reality and nature of the unconscious in us all. Here old unprocessed traumas live and play out over and over again without us being aware in our adult lives. These old traumas without us knowing are triggered daily at times and we can't find lasting solution and comfort in our sometimes pain and despair. We search but never realize until we see its power and understanding, the true source of our pain and frustration. When one really knows this, escape into the freedom of our adult life becomes a reality. Its presence and reality is the most critical truth i have ever had to learn and then understanding and true change becomes possible in the areas of our life now.. James

[Leah]

Dear ((((((( Flowerpower )))))))

Truly, I had thought of you previously, having read again, your life story, and missed you here on board.

Take care.

Leah x

[Ami]

 Dear Flowerpower,
 I am so glad that you are expressing yourself, a little more. You are right,it is little by little,to change deep patterns. I had the pattern of punish myself before anyone else could do it.
 I feel so angry ,right now, at my M who really shamelessly used me as a blank slate, which she denudedThen, she could throw hwe garbage on me.. She will be VERY surprised that I smartened up. I could feel her fear ,last night, when she sensed I was smartening up.
 James, thank you for clarifying how old patterns re-play in current situations.
 I feel numb ,with most woman. Ann says that a "strong"(lol) woman reminds me of my M.
 I get in to a fog. It descends over me.
 Now, I can see why more clearly.
 I have learned that we cannot control those defense mechanisms ,at will. I could not control going in to a state of shock when I heard about Scott's death. It is a God given survival mechanism.The defense mechanisms we had as children are the same. I was thinking about what makes people "weird". It is probably the outdated defense mechanisms.
 The person is still fighting "old dragons" that only he can see. Hence, he looks weird to others, who are living in present day reality.
  That thought just hit me. What do you think?                          Love   Ami

[James]

Ami....My parents totured me as if i were bad.  I eventually believed this until i even started punishing myself. i have quit this for the most part now. It was just a lie to me on their part.   James

[Ami]

It is so funny, James.A friend just came over. I felt an immediate depression  descend on me, a feeling of hopelessness and "why try?".
 I am just going to watch HOW I feel in various situations and report back(LOL)                        Hugs,    Ami

PS I really feel a sense of hopelessness that I respond to every day non threatening situations like this---bleh!

[Hopalong]

Hi Flower,
I have endured long stretches of loneliness within relationships.
In both my marriages, it got so bad I had to leave them.

It's been 14 years now, single, in and out of a few relationships, but mostly, making peace with myself and my own life. I am grateful. I haven't been romantically involved for over 3 years, and that was a last-N gasp.

Now I feel much healthier and realize I never again would tolerate abuse or neglect.

It was the neglect that was so hard to deal with.
Begging for love and affection is not worth it, but when those needs are unmet and the asking never happens, they calcify. In my marriages, for various toxic reasons, nothing ever yielded, until my will to stay did.

One thing I wanted to offer: joining a weekly women's support group, where I learned deep listening and was listened to that way...was the most validating and strengthening thing for me during that hard time.

hugs
Hops