Author Topic: Earning their love  (Read 1974 times)

dinny

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Earning their love
« on: September 06, 2004, 09:46:15 PM »
Hi Everyone!

I just found this site tonight and have read alot of your entries.  I could have written most of them myself.  Both of my parents are narcissists with my father being borderline sociopath.  I got my freedom 2 years ago when I confronted him regarding another lie he said about my husband.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  My father has disowned me while my mother is furious with me because I won't rescue her anymore.  My father has a violent temper and is very vindictive.  He actually tried to run my kids off the road while driving and although we can't prove it, I'm sure that he ripped my sons' rearview mirror off of his car.  I won't bore you with the many other times he has verbally abused me and my family. My husband (a saint!)  and I talked to Elenor Payson, who wrote a very helpful book, The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists, asking her how dangerous he is.  She told us VERY and to stay far, far away.
Anyway, knowing all this, I still have a very hard time giving up the need to make things better for my parents.  My daughter is getting married on Oct. 2 and I still fight with myself over whether to invite them or not, thinking that if I do, maybe they will love me.  I'm healthy enough to absolutely NOT invite them, but the misplaced hope is always there.  Will I ever get to the point of not striving to earn their love?

flower

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Re: Earning their love
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2004, 11:04:56 PM »
Welcome dinny!

Quote from: dinny


 I'm healthy enough to absolutely NOT invite them, but the misplaced hope is always there.  Will I ever get to the point of not striving to earn their love?


Maybe the thread containing the introduction of Madame Butterfly,  who broke off contact with her mother 13 years ago, will  shed some light on the growth aspect:

http://voicelessness.com/disc3/viewtopic.php?t=747&highlight=madame+butterfly

Anonymous

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Re: Earning their love
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2004, 12:00:44 AM »
Quote from: dinny
He actually tried to run my kids off the road while driving and although we can't prove it, I'm sure that he ripped my sons' rearview mirror off of his car.  I won't bore you with the many other times he has verbally abused me and my family.


Quote
She told us VERY and to stay far, far away.


Welcome Dinny,

based on these two things alone, I would not invite them to your daughter's wedding. It's supposed to be a happy occasion where people are respectful and supportive. It's not an occasion to cater to the needs of sick, dysfunctional people. For your daughter's sake, I urge you to stand firm.

bunny

Anonymous

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Earning their love
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2004, 02:06:10 PM »
MY vote is for NOT!!
You should have genuine people celebrating a wedding, not fake people who are out to get you, trying to rob you of happiness.

Moonflower

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Earning their love
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2004, 03:44:35 PM »
....

Anonymous

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earning their love
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2004, 07:02:34 PM »
Dear Everyone,

I'm so overwelmed by  the support and wisdom by all of you. I'm so thankful to have found this site.  It helps so much to talk to people who understand fully how I feel.  It's so liberating not to defend myself.  After I read what I wrote, I felt so stupid! Who in their right mind would even consider inviting them???  I was so concerned with doing the "right" thing and I realized NOT having them there IS the right thing. Duh!!!  I've been praying for blessed friends and after reading your responses, I know my prayers have been answered.  Thank you all so much.   Dinny

Ellie

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Earning their love
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2004, 07:49:23 PM »
Hi Dinny,
Welcome! Don't INVITE the Nparents to the wedding! You will regret it later, as well as your daughter.

My Nparents ruined my wedding. It's all I think about now when I remember the ceremony. My wedding was their time to shine. I don't even remember being in the limelight at all. Before Ndad walked me down the isle I was trying to talk to him and laugh and have fun. He told me to shut up right now or he would walk out of the church immediately. So it was their time - not mine.  At the reception, all the guests were talking to Nparents - they were all relatives and Nmom has stopped me from talking to relatives all my life, telling them and me I was too young to be around them. So H and I stood around talking to each other, a few friends came up to say hi, but since Nmom disallowed any alcohol, they were all ready to leave and go party somewhere. After all, weddings are supposed to be happy and a celebration. Mine was more reminisant of a funeral. I think my friends were embarrassed for me, but didn't know what to say. Afterwards they all told me how wierd and uncomfortable the wedding and ceremony was. They said they had expected quite a party knowing me, but I had let them down.

Lucky for me, H's mother had a reception for us in their home state for their relatives. It was an all-out italian celebration. That is the lovely memories of my wedding.

flower

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Earning their love
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2004, 09:45:48 PM »
Dinny,

Here's to a beautiful wedding on October 2nd!

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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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