catious about both men and women now

[Ami]

Dear James,
James, I am so glad you feel better.Truth will heal,even though facing the expressing truth hurts. At least,it is a 'healing"hurt,in a way. It is not just recycling "garbage' and not getting anywhere.
 We have all done that for too long(IMO)
At least ,with honesty, the pain produces s/thing--healing.
How are you, today, James?                  Hugs    Ami

[James]

Ami....like you said the truth is healing. I am struck when i open a difficult area of my life, that the supressed feelings that pour out sometimes can feel awful and i experience it as being of the now. The more i do this its becoming clearer those are mostly my feelings of the past that were never consciously experienced.  As i do this more and more i do feel better.  I am doing well today how are you feeling?.................Thanks.James

[Ami]

Dear James
 I think that many people never heal b/c of fear of their feelings. I used to be very afraid of my feelings. I did not want to touch them ,with a 10 foot pole(lol).
 My friend told me that I HAD to go inward, not run away.I have been healing ,as I honor my feelings. They are there for a reason, as a fire alarm is.
 We don't ignore the fire alarm or the house will burn. I think it is the same with feelings.
We,who were abused, were forced to push normal feelings down. We had to survive. We were not in "growth" mode,but survival mode. So, now that we are adults we need a course in "Remedial living"(lol)
 My Aunt "knows" about life and herself b/c she did not NEED to go in to denial. She did not need to shove normal needs and desires in to her body and psyche.
 We did. They must come out until we can see outselves ,honestly.Then, we will be on a level playing field, with non abused people.
 I am getting there.
 You are, too,James.                       Love and Hugs,              Ami

[gratitude28]

James,
What if you take it down to an individual level... Try to forget about "men" and "women."
If you meet Joe, and Joe is a nice guy, you might bond. If that happens, great. If not, so be it. Now, imagine you meet Joe and you become good friends and after a while he tells you a dark secret. How would you feel about him? It is likely, as you are friends, that you would understand him from the place you know him now. Whatever he did or what happened is history. Do you believe you would like him less???
If you meet a girl and she seems nice, hang out together. It doesn't have to be anything sweeping or crushing. If you enjoy her company, great. If not, there is always the door!!!!
Remember, you can make the choice now.
And remember to keep it at an individual level.
Love, Beth

[James]

Gratitude.......What you say makes a lot of sense to me right now. I've been moving back in time to areas where original damage occurred and see that in my mind i've been overinflating lots of fears that just aren't real today. These fears were part of my original FOO trauma. I have lost a good bit of my protective shield recently and i feel very vulnerable and that so contrary to the way i survived in my childhood home. Keeping this in mind i'm beginning to believe there are other people in the world who might understand my feelings and i can work things out slowly as i develop relationships where i trust that others won't hurt me. Your note to me feels like one of those. I am finding out there is no need to rush things but taking it one step at a time makes climbing this mountain seem more achievable......Thank you  James

[Ami]

I think the crucial factor in having any relationship is the ability to trust ourselves, first. We have to be able to take rejection without feeling it will kill us--hurt us,yes, but not kill us.
 We have to feel that we can protect ourselves, as a first priority, in the relationship, any relationship(IMO)
I am just learning these things,now.When you are abused, you doubt yourself, terribly. You blame yourself, terribly.You lose trust in your ability to navigate life. You are set up to get in to bad relationships. It is almost a sure set up to be abused, all over again.
I learned by screwing up, royally. First I trusted my parents when I should not have. Then, my H.
Now, I am trying to love and "own" myself, first.That has to be the first priority, not another person(IMO). When it is time for a relationship, God will bring it.(IMO) Often, it is effortless. That happened with me. It WAS effortless how we bonded. It was "right",not a push.
  James, you have insight, charm,  kindness and intelligence. You will be a great partner after you find the "you" who is "you.
Your parents made it necessary for you to have to "dig" for what should have been yours, as a child's birthrigh---,confidence, trust in yourself etc.
 It is there, just buried under lies you HAD to swallow. There is  a beautiful person inside you for you to know and to share with another. You will know when the right person comes to you. I feel strongly about this.Your past struggles may make you deeper and MORE capable of a deep connection. I am thinking that it can happen this way.
                                    Love    Ami
                                   

 

[James]

Ami.....you really do have a great way of making clear many of my feelings that i can't exactly explain in my own words just yet. It feels like you lighting my path so to speak. Thank you.. ........James

[Ami]

Thank you, Sweetie ,for saying that. GS lit my path after Scott died. I know how it feels not to feel all  alone. It is MY pleasure, James.
You lighten MY load, too.
                                 A Big Hug to You,    Ami

[James]

Ami....in spite of everything that has happened in the past with my dad i wrote him a letter tonight and all it said was    "i will always be here, if you ever need a friend"........I think i finally realized i'm worth something and no one can ever take that away from me again. .............love, James

[Hopalong]

James, that moved me very much.
When you can extend your own strength, take it or leave it, even to one who was too weak to be strong for you...

That's what I see as manhood.

I admire your courage and salute your progress, which is amazing!

hugs
Hops

[Ami]

Ami....in spite of everything that has happened in the past with my dad i wrote him a letter tonight and all it said was    "i will always be here, if you ever need a friend"........I think i finally realized i'm worth something and no one can ever take that away from me again. .............love, James

 You ARE worth s/thing James. That is a very big revelation. I am getting it, too. Our value is inherent . We "took" our value by how our abusers valued us,but that was wrong. It was a distortion.
 Last night, s/thing clicked in me and  I realized that I DON"T have to keep punishing myself, so I can continue my NM's pattern. I was afraid  to let it go, for some reason. Actually, I did not know I was doing it(i.e punishing myself ).
 I see that I CAN love myself.It was a visceral change.
 It was a big breakthrough. You will get there, too, James.
 We did not come this far, to stop halfway in our healing!
 I am thinking of you, today, when you go to the therapist.
 IF she doesn't appreciate your growth, she could be threatned by it. Just a thought. I could be 1000% wrong,but one of my therapists never wanted to let me go, as long as I had a checkbook--bleh.
 I am NOT saying this about her,but always trust your OWN heart,above anyone else. That is one of our big lessons, too.  Love   Ami

[towrite]

Hi, James. I can relate to what you're feeling. My NF was so into terrorizing me that I never developed the senses or ability to read social clues or cues that would have told me when a person was "safe" for me or not. I ended up picking lots and lots of dangerous people - dangerous to me. Their vibes were so much like my NF's that they were all familiar to me. If it felt familiar, I went with it and ended up hurt and totally not understanding how it happened.

With my NM, it was pretty much the same 'cept she had/has socipathic tendencies. In similar fashion, I picked up on these and the N behaviors in others as familiar. A therapist taught me a little about recognizing clues in dangerous people before I got too involved. It was a matter of changing my focus from my needs and my feelings when I was with these dangerous people to focusing on what was happening. It has helped - now when I meet new people, I wait and watch more to see how their behavior speaks to me, if any of my old memories or feelings get triggered.

In short, I used to lead with my needs, allowing my needs to be in charge. That made me a needy friend and one who always let it "hang out", thus, I was easy pickings for those who were dangerous. Does that make any sense?

I don't have the watching and waiting down perfectly yet, but I'm a way better off than I used to be. I don't let people feed off me, and, as a result, I have two of the best friends money can't buy in my life. I guess, like you, I stopped feeling afraid of rejection and started protecting myself from ones who would turn on me if I gave them a chance.

Don't know if you can relate to this, but it's what happened to me.

towrite

[gratitude28]

James,
Writing the letter to your dad shows that you are a kind and good person. I must say I am not there yet with my mother. I am not sure if I can get there again. I tried to have a relationship with her and it was a lopsided deal. I am proud of you for being so strong!
Lots of love,
Beth

[Ami]

Thinking of you ,today, James.                                          Hugs,   Ami

[James]

Ami............i will use your description of "being underwater" if you don't mind. You know I have been underwater for years now, struggling all the time...fighting for my life....an amazing thing happened, when i surrendered into the pain and quit struggling it carried me to the surface..........love, James