Maybe this is the wrong forum to post in, especially when so many folks are still struggling. I'm struggling too, but with different things.
For the first time in my life, I truly feel loved. I called my girlfriend this morning to wish her luck on a job interview. I'd lost my cell phone in my car someplace, and she offered to help me clean the car this weekend. No one has ever offered to do things like that for me. She came over to dog sit for me while M and I went to his concert, and she did a load of laundry for me. It was so silly, so simple, and it meant so much. Being loved before always meant being made to feel like I owed someone, or that doing something nice, just for the purpose of doing it, was wrong. My mother would have flown off the handle if I'd done those things for her, because I just wouldn't do them right. So I always ended up doing everything on my own, or else, someone would help me out, only to make me feel terrible for accepting their help.
It's such a strange feeling to have another person there, someone who truly does care, isn't just doing things to get what she wants, or isn't doing things to make herself look good, or to save face. It's so strange to just be loved for being me, with all of my faults, rather than being made to feel worthless because of those faults.
When I was sick a few weeks ago, my girlfriend brought me flowers and gave me a day off. She took care of my son, fixed dinner, kept him entertained while I rested. It was wonderful. I think that might have been the moment I fell for her, or maybe it was when she gave me a card for my birthday with money and told me to do what I wanted or buy what I wanted, because I deserved that. No strings. She couldn't really afford it, but she did it anyway.
It's so strange to go from feeling worthless, to feeling like someone who actually matters. I'm still scared, because I know there's some major battles ahead, and they frighten me. At least I won't have to fight them alone.
