message from my NM

[towrite]

Turned on my cell last night and found a vm from my NM, asking my roommate and I to her house to "watch a movie". It filled me with guilt - guilt b/c I know she is absolutely unconscious of what she's done to me. I have not and do not plan to return her call, but the guilt almost tore me in two. The sadness, the grief, that I have a mother like this is heavy.

Am going to have someone send her an anonymous note that her daughter is on food stamps and what kind of mother would allow that to happen to her own daughter. Just to scare her that people in her community know what she's doing. Should shake her a bit as to her own appearances.

I'm very fragile today and on my way to apply for food stamps.

[Ami]

Dear Kate,
 I don't "get" parents who CAN help and don't. I really cannot understand how horrible they are to you. Send the note. Your M will help you if she "looks" bad to others.
 I am sorry,Kate. I really, really am.      Love and a big,big  Hug,   Ami

((((Kate)))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

It filled me with guilt
That guilt does not belong to you.  I am not sure where it came from.  It most probably came from your mother.  You can give it back - you just state, "This is not my guilt.  I return it to you."

I have two conflicting thoughts - one is that I am glad that you are doing what you must to take care of yourself by applying for food stamps and two that I don't want you to take it on with shame.  I want you to give the shame of it to your mother where it belongs.

I am not strong today but when I am I will send you thoughts of strength.

[ann3]

Towrite,

It is so hard to keep one's emotional & psychological strength up when one under goes what you're undergoing.  Damn, it's hard.

But, can you look at it this way?  You are helping yourself and doing what you need to do by applying for food stamps.  You are not cowering in the corner.  Food stamps are there in case anyone of us needs them.  What you are undergoing can happen to anyone.  Thank Gd, there are some safety nets. 

I read about your NM's movie offer.  I agree with GS that it's not your guilt.  Now, do you think your NM is sending out an olive branch?  And if so, can you accept it so that maybe she'll give you some $? 

Towrite, I think I would only contemplate taking $ from her if you fortify yourself with very, very strong boundaries and promise yourself that you will not allow her to verbally, emotionally or psychologically abuse you.  So, when she trash talks you, it's water off a duck's back.

[towrite]

I understand the guilt doesn't belong to me --- at least intellectually. It just sometimes hits my gut so hard and without warning. No, Ann, she is not inviting us to watch a movie b/c she has in any way "softened up" about helping me financially. Watching movies is her way of pretending everything is normal, not having to look at what's going wrong. I will not play that game.

I didn't return her call. She called again to say she was sorry we missed the movie, and I have not returned that call either.

towrite

[Gaining Strength]

I understand the guilt doesn't belong to me --- at least intellectually. It just sometimes hits my gut so hard and without warning.
I have recently read some reports on studies about the physiological responce to stress and shame and the gut is the first place that physiological reaction takes place.  That makes it hard for the intellect to override.  Hard but not impossible.  It definitely takes work and that work is exhausting. 

Every now and then when you have strength remind yourself that that guilt does not belong to you.  Over time that small voice will become louder and louder.  Don't give up. 

Meanwhile I will say it for you, "That guilt does not belong to Kate!!!

[Hopalong]

(((((((ToWrite))))))

ain't much but it's all I got tonight

thinking of you

hope there's a spot of sun at your friend's and you can
grow lots of yummy veggies in pots or a simple raised bed

(Currently I'm doing this www.squarefootgardening.com)

xo
Hops

[Ami]

Thinking of you, Kate.          Love   Ami

(((((((((Kate))))))))))

[gratitude28]

towrite,
You hit the nail on the head for me - they do not realize (or care) what our situation is.
I have been alone for years in foreign countires with small children and she has not ever had the thought to check on me and see if I am OK. She would not really think of me except to be jealous that I am doing something she is not.
Kate, sometimes I feel guilty too - she has no idea I despise her. She has no idea I know she lies and cheats. And I have no reason to tell her I know. She thinks I care about her.
But what is the alternative, Kate?????
Lots of love and a realization that we do what we can given our situation!!!
Love, Beth