Self Check... Do You Stop If Asked???

[gratitude28]

One internet author says that the difference between an N and a person with N tendencies/behaviors is that if you ask the Non-N to stop, he will...

These behaviors persist through young adulthood. They gradually disappear after the child leaves home, as he gets used to normal people and how things work in the real world.

For example, the child of a narcissist may impolitely enter a room talking to interrupt the extant conversation. He hasn't been taught that this is bad manners. To the contrary, his (dominant) narcissistic parent did that twenty times a day. Also, he has found it so hard to get attention that he feels he must hijack it.

The difference between him and a narcissist, however, is easily demonstrated. If you ask him to stop it, he takes the message deeply to heart. In fact, you will find yourself trying to make him feel less bad about it. His behavior will change. A narcissist's never does. To contrary, if you ask a narcissist to stop doing something, he does it all the more.

This is from Operation Doubles... http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/children_of_narcissists.htm

I know that a huge amount of learning to be "normal" came from observing others and taking to heart (sometimes with great shame) the criticisms they had of my behavior.

[Gabben]

Hi Beth,

Just yesterday I found the following excerpts from:

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists
Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

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Don’t be alarmed if you see aspects of yourself in these chapters. While you may have some psychological difficulties, you also have the capacity to recognize and be concerned about them. This is a psychological strength – not a weakness!

However, the capacity for observing yourself and working on these characteristics is the critical distinction between having narcissistic traits and the full-blown disorder. In my private practice, I am quite familiar with the tendency for self-reflective individuals to see themselves in a multitude of psychological descriptions and quickly become alarmed. The simple fact that you may be concerned about having some of these problems is a genuine indicator that you have an overall healthy sense of self.

[Ami]

Thanks for that Lise. As I heal, I see parts I don't like, for SURE(lol)                 Hugs    Ami

[Gabben]

I know that a huge amount of learning to be "normal" came from observing others and taking to heart (sometimes with great shame) the criticisms they had of my behavior.

(((((Beth)))))

Your line above is such a testimony to your courage and emotional health...the very fact that we can take criticism, no matter how yucky, is healthy.

No one is perfect and perfectly healthy. The healthier I get the more I see so many varying shades and degrees of health and insanity in all of us.

Nothing is as black and white as it used to be for me...today I see the others behavior as a spectrum of color -- how beautiful it is.

Lise

[gratitude28]

(((Lise)))))))))))

Great minds and all that - lol

Thanks for the affirmation!!!

Ami, Yes! Yes! Process! Process!!

Love, Beth

[axa]

Beth,
 
I just came in from dinner with a friend who told me she finds that I get close to her and as soon as she feels we have a connection I leave or withdraw... she also said that she finds it strange that I do not seem to have references like I forgot it was easter even though I was going off to my sisters for the weekend.  I have to say that she was very gentle with these comments and I did not feel defensive or threatened but I did feel a sense of shame AGAIN, like I was not good enough.  I know my friend was not being mean, just observing and maybe noting her sense of loss when I move away.  This brings me back to thoughts of intimacy and my fear of it.  I do think that being with an N is a way of avoiding intimacy even though it is what, at some level, I really want.

I think that I am left with feeling that I am surprised that someone would want to be with me, that there is more than my desire for connection in a friendship/relationship............interesting stuff and timely topic for me, thanks,

axa

[gratitude28]

Axa,
I remember one time, when we were in Russia, that one of my girlfriends said, "You always dominate the conversation. You never let me talk." And she was sooooooo right. I was mortified. I still feel like she must hate me after that. There are a million more such episodes I could name. But the best we can do is to not do it anymore. I still feel shame about all of those times and the way I acted. I see that I was copying the actions presented to me at home, but it is still awful to know I was so thoughtless. At least we learn, Axa. Although it must be easy to never have shame.
Love, Beth