Feeling Guilty For Putting Myself ,First

[Ami]

For me, a HUGE theme is feeling like I have to fix everyone around me(emotionally and physically) so they are happy. That way, *I* will be safe. I can not take care of what I need, emotional ,physical, etc without feeling I am 'bad"
 Today, I had a perfect example of this. My H told me that his friends car broke down, so he had offered his friend MY car, for an indefinite period.
 I felt badly b/c I like his friend, a lot,BUT it was not fair for his friend to be walking up the driveway as I heard the news. I told my H that I would lend my car for a day,but not longer.
 I told my H to give his friend money to rent a car .
 I felt badly b/c the friend heard me saying that I would not part with my car,AS he was coming to our door.
 I tried to apologize and tell him that HE didn;t do anything wrong. My H should not have offered my car w/out asking me.
 Anyway, I felt badly and it reminded me of my childhood where I was made to feel I was "bad' when I asserted myself in any way for my own good---bleh.

[James]

Ami........if something similar had happened to me i would feel anger and then, as in my past, i would stuff this and carry it inside feeling bad about myself for having a normal reaction to a boundary violation. I carried my parents shame for what they did when they would shame me for what they had caused. I did it years ago to survive. How wonderful your husband must of looked to his friend all at your expense. Thats how my N parents worked it! I think its OK to be mad in front of your husbands friend. Even if both of them don't like it.......James

[Gaining Strength]

Wow - reading this puts me back in those experiences where I felt invalidated and then was isolated after I reacted with rage.  The rage I felt was (to my memory) always out of impotence.  That feeling of not mattering - it is demeaning, it feels annihilating.

I can't even imagine offering someone else's car to someone.  It makes no sense.  It is completely insane.  Can you imagine if you had done the reverse!  What in the world would he have done if you had offered HIS car to someone?  

Of course you feel bad Ami.  Consciously or unconsciously it was a set up by your husband.  You were set up to react and then be put down for your reaction.  That is, in my experience, typical N behavior.  The N acts outrageously and waits for you to react and look crazy.  The worst part is that it so often works.  That's why so many of us end up here - feeling crazy after all these years.

(somehow 3 paragraphs just disappeared - how frustrating)

Ami, your post and James' reply put me back into a place I have been so many times before.  Just reading about your experience let me go back through the emotional trauma of similar experiences in my life.  I did not handle them as graciously as did you.  

How do you feel having stood up for yourself?  I know you feel bad for the friend but how do you feel about yourself?  I hope you feel good and proud and strong.  You definitely can see that you are growing.  You did stand up for yourself and that is difficult in the best of circumstances much less in the place you are in in life.  I am very proud of you.

Your friend - GS

[Ami]

Dear GS
 I feel guilty and like I am a bad person(LOL)        Ami

[SilverLining]

. I told my H that I would lend my car for a day,but not longer.
 I told my H to give his friend money to rent a car .
 I felt badly b/c the friend heard me saying that I would not part with my car,AS he was coming to our door.
 I tried to apologize and tell him that HE didn;t do anything wrong. My H should not have offered my car w/out asking me.
 

Without knowing all of the circumstances, it sure looks like you handled this extremely well.  You stood your ground, offered a more than reasonable compromise, directed the blame to the right place.   Nothing wrong with feeling a little sympathy for the friend who didn't get what he was promised.  As Izzy suggested, if the friend is a non-N he might not have really expected to get your car anyway.   I have to wonder why the friend isn't taking care of himself first.  At least where I live there are lots of options for renting cars, taking the bus, riding a bike....It appears the NH is just trying to make himself look good at your expense.   

[Ami]

Today, I have been very down. I am sitting with it. I think it has to do with the deeper root of this car incident. I think I am going back to the time I gave up my power and reclaiming it,I hope.
 I want to call my Aunt and ask her 'WHAT is normal selfishness or "normal" taking care of yourself?"I have been SO shamed for selfishness that I cannot see straight on it.
 I feel like I am "bad" if I don't scurry and fix other people's 'uncomfortableness"(not a real word, I know). I remember when I was younger, *I* did not have to be the group "fixer". I had to try to own myself and my side of the street ,only.
 I had myself to try to fix and shape, not s/one else in order to MAKE me ok or for me to be a "good" person.
 That is one part of my "depression"
 The other part is that I feel really, really badly when I chose myself over s/one else. Today, the guy was really upset, coming over to get my car. He has health issues and I feel sorry for him,but inside I said,"NO."
 I felt like I was uncaring and heartless.It is SO hard for me to simply chose myself.
 I feel SO GUILTY when I say "Yes" to myself!!                           Ami
 

[debkor]

Hey Ami,

It's about time you say Yes to yourself.  You'll get over the guilt.  I can not imagine giving my H's or D's,or S's  car to a friend and I cannot imagine my friend being alright with me giving *thier car*.   Your husband should have given his car and then rent one for himself.

Yours was not his to offer.  The End.  Have no guilt. 
Hugs Ami,

Tuff love. It's ok to say no.
Love
Deb

[Gaining Strength]

Ami, I don't have this well sorted out but the guilt you feel doesn't belong to you.  James is hinting at it when he talks of carrying his parents shame.  The guilt you feel belongs to your husband.

I encourage you to shift your focus from the guilt (I suppose over being "selfish" about sharing your car (by force)) to what a good job you did asserting yourself.  Focus on the shift you have made and recognize that it is the beginning of a wonderful change in your life.

[Ami]

I was "half"kidding,GS.I am right in the middle of learning the lesson of how to take care of myself and YET give to others.
                                                   Love,   Ami


((((((((GS)))))))))

[James]

I got very confused when i felt made to surrender my anger and then had to give in spite of this.  To tell you the truth i wasn't in any giving mood by then. It ruined it and everything felt unreal. I feel good abt showing a" little tooth" when i feel threatned now. My friends in the animal world do it and it works for them and now me too.....James

[Ami]

My main theme, for the moment is being comfortable with "selfishness"(really just taking care of your own needs) What a word. It was used to "unglue" me. *I* was a major threat to my  M.
 She told me that I was her sister,in her mind, and she HATED her sister. With me, she could destroy her sister, of whom she had a violent jealously .So, *I* was her sister,emotionally, to her.
 However, why was she horrible to my brother?
 The sister issue must have been just  a part of it. The main part was that she was an N.
  Now, I MUST be "self caring", as they say in Al Anon.
  I must practice holding myself dear, kindly, and gently.
  I must practice this b/c it goes opposite to what is "natural, what I HAD to swallow from my M.
  I have to practice self caring and self regard.                                        Ami
                                                                                       

[Gaining Strength]

Ami,  I think this issue about selfishness can be helped with the concept of boundaries.  What you have experienced w/ the car is a severe boundary violation and you are able to connect your emotional reaction to treatment you received from your mother.  Your mother did not have healthy boundaries and could not help you develop them.  Instead she shamed you and forced you tobelieve that taking proper emotional care of yourself was "selfish".  It is not.  Proper boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships.  There is an excellent book on boundaries by McCloud and Townsend.  http://www3.telus.net/st_simons/cr0311.html

[Ami]

Thank you, GS. I am GONNA claim my right to be alive and to have a place on this earth!!!!  Thanks for the information, GS,so much!
                                                                            Love    Ami

(((((((((((((((GS))))))))))