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self-centred husband of 20 years

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Clara:
I hope someone can help me sort out my feelings. My husband and I have entered therapy a short while ago and I am feeling worse than ever about my marriage.

I recognize tht my husband has a good case of NPD.  He is self-absorbed, brags, laughs at his own jokes, has little capacity for empathy, thinks he is smarter than anyone else, and will defend his ego to the point of using verbal intimidation and lies.

When we met, I was very young and vulnerable, low on the self-esteem totem pole. I had escaped a toxic, hostile famliy and considered myself lucky to have met someone with a good head on his shoulders, smart, and reliable.

Problems started short;y after we married, but I assumed that all the fighting was my fault, and that I deserved what I got from him. So invariably, the next day, I would be kind to him because I felt the fights were my fault.

I am realizing that I was greatly at fault over the first years, but I have worked very hard to improve myself. I can now make (and keep!) friends, and have proven myself at work and in other settings.  In short, I think that I have grown whereas he hasn't.

Would I ever be attracted to someone like him now? Absolutely not.  

Could I leave him now?  That's the problem. Three kids (two are teens) and the fear of making a BIG mistake plague me constantly.

So we are in therapy, but all he does is lie and make me feel worse. Shows no concern for my feelings in this lousy relationship.

On the other hand, I feel that he has a right to "attack" me like that in therapy, because I am exposing his vulnerabilites -- for example I tell the therapist that I have the feeling that my husband doesn't really care about my feelings, etc.

Adding to confusion, I notice that he isn't ALWAYS a monster. He can give me good advice about work (when he is in the mood) and he is a reliable husband and father. No affairs, abuse, etc.  In other words, no good clear-cut reason to break away (I wish there was!!)

I guess my problem is that I am becoming consumed with my strong feelings against him, and also with guilt for these feelings since he is not always a monster.

When he is away on travel I don't miss him.  And I think of how awful it would be if we died and were buried next to each other.  But then I wonder, is it me? How awful does someone have to be to justify leaving a marriage with kids?  And if he has such intense insecurities, is that his fault?  I can see how his hostile and rejecting fther played a role in hs prblems, so I feel sorry for him in that respect.   I also know when I have set him off with his attacks on me -- i.e., he doesn't just attack me out of the blue, it's usually something that I have said that has agravated him.

I feel absolutely locked, or trapped. If I stay I am worried that I am wasting myself on him. If I leave I am worried that I may become lonely and regret it.

Any thoughts to help me sort this out?

rosencrantz:
Hi Clara - Hugs to you!


--- Quote --- I deserved what I got from him
--- End quote ---



--- Quote ---it's usually something that I have said that has agravated him.
--- End quote ---



--- Quote ---I feel that he has a right to "attack" me like that in therapy because
--- End quote ---
,

Aaargh!  No, no, no, no, no!!!!!    :wink:

Do you feel any differently when you see those phrases highlighted??

Have a read of Controlling People by Patricia Evans - you'll never say any of those words ever again.


--- Quote ---I am exposing his vulnerabilites...
--- End quote ---


What you describe is not exposing his vulnerability - it is perhaps exposing your own.  It's exposing your needs and your feelings.  It is exposing the truth, your truth. It may be exposing him as an uncaring husband but that's up to him to demonstrate you are wrong by CARING not by attacking or lying...(he's just proving you're right if he attacks you!!!)


--- Quote ---he isn't ALWAYS a monster
--- End quote ---
Does that mean it's OK if he's a monster just most of the time?   :wink:

Some things will always be worse than the status quo if you make changes - but then, some things will also be better.  I'd suggest just working on working out the truth of your relationship and building your self-esteem.  I'm sure that you'll know what the right answer is when the time is right.  :)

Hugs
R

Anna:
Hi Clara,
Welcome to my world -- my self-centered husband and I will celebrate our 25th on Tuesday.  

As much as I hate seeing it and saying it, this man is almost a complete replica of my mother.  I went from her house to his house and nothing changed for me except location.  Over the years, I continued to lose my self.  So I understand and empathize with all you say in your post.

Are there different "degrees" of N?  Isn't the most telling sign the part of having no remorse?  I always knew there was a 'problem' (and denied it of course) and even recently have been reluctant to identify my husband as a N because   at the end of every "episode" he will hang his head and apologize.  Of course, he doesn't really mean this, it's just part of the cycle.  Being sorry has an inherent meaning that the behavior will change because it's causing pain for someone else.  But no.  The behavior stays the same and I end up saying the same types of things as you wrote:  "How bad is it?"  "But he's a good provider for me and the children"....I have a million excuses??? but I think I feel ADDICTED to him and that's called codependency.  I am working very very hard to change this.  

This is my reality for the week --
He CANNOT understand why it is WRONG WRONG WRONG not to acknowledge me on my birthday.  For him to walk past me and ignore me, not even look at me, not even say Happy Birthday killed a large part of me, my recovery, my marriage.....  my mother's MO was the silent treatment.  When my Husband ignores me....... I get so enraged that I can cause physical harm.   :evil:  It's my trigger and he knows that and does it anyway.   And I have attacked him for it.  Not proud of that.  But it's true.  This is the crisis that drove us into therapy actually.  I couldn't live with myself and that rage.  Even yesterday I berated him.  I felt sick afterward.  

I apologize if this is disjointed or rambling, but I still grapple with this issue every day it seems because I go back to the same man who hurts me to be comforted...................arggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.  So afraid to be alone.  Are you afraid Clara?   It's a long hard process to sort out and find what's healthy.    Keep writing maybe we can find sanity togther.  
  (((((((((((((((((((hugs to us all today))))))))))))))))))))

Pat:
Dear Clara,

I just finished reading your post about your marriage and therapy.  I could feel the pain and confusion and hope that you're finding the support you need.  My reality check has always been, "if it quacks, it's a duck".  The reason I need to use this for myself is that I spend so much time denying that the quacking is a duck!  If you're hurt and the person who hurt you either won't acknowledge it or blames your feelings on your misunderstanding their intention- you're not acknowleding the duck.  In this case, the abuse or neglect or whatever form it takes.  As a product of narcissistic parenting we have learned to NEVER honor our own feelings because it may inconvienience or make the perpetrator uncomfortable.  So, as a coping mechanism we assume that everything is our fault and then spend the rest of our lives trying to correct these phantom errors.

If you don't like him much that is probably the reaction he has earned based on his behaviour.  If you're not having fun with him and feeling nurtured by the relationship (quacking) then that's the duck.  The relationship is what it is.  

Let's assume that the relationship does not give you what you need and in fact, life might be better without him.  Does that mean that you have to pack your bags and leave? No.  You first begin the process of understanding what you need and how to begin getting it.  This is such a good place to start (this message board) because becoming empowered enough to insist that our needs be met is a long and difficult process (I know from much experience) and there are many false starts and set backs.  

In my experience one first has to get an idea of what it is you need and who you are without putting everyone with lungs and legs first.  Then getting the strength and support to ask for what you need and then slowly building the strength to not get derailed every time someone says, "no, I don't want to give you that".

I wish you all the best and hope you stay connected with this group.

Cathi:
Hi Clara:
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Hopefully, you'll get the support you need in this group to sort things out. I was married for 16 years when I felt as you do now. EVERYONE but me could see the handwriting on the wall. Silly me, I got divorced and let the N back into my life after several months thinking he had changed! He changed just until I let him come  back home! He was with me for five more years. Geez, was I a glutton for punishment!

I also left a Nmom---right from the frying pan into the fire! :evil: Anyway, I met and married a wonderful man a little over a year ago. His family is so loving and normal. I am grateful to be so fortunate. The down side is that my three sons feel sorry for their Dad. The man doesn't like to work. He's such a poor role model. I was warned in counseling to leave him when the boys were very young for just that reason. Sad, but true, they are turning out to be carbon copies, and it makes my heart ache! I guess drinking and doing drugs with their Dad is more appealing than life with a mother who expects more from them because they deserve it.

I am happy for myself that I no longer have to deal with all the abuse. However, recovery is a long bumpy road--NOT for cowards! Good luck to you as you decide what to do. Just don't expect it to be easy.
Hugs,
Cathi[/b]

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