Dear Deb,
I figured that you would have a good foundation of self esteem, if you had a loving mother. I, Thank Goodness, had good extended family,or I shudder to think where I would be.My GM(mother's M) took me on as her special grandchild. She told me that I was her favorite grandchild.
Aunts and Uncles who were good to me . I saw my Aunt being "normal"to her children.
My F's mother ,also, loved me and I felt that love.
My M put a shakiness in my foundation,though.
I hope I can get my "solid " foundation back, as I let her 'lies"go. That is my goal.
I loved Scott, cared for him,nurtured him, was kind to him and he killed himself. I know this sounds crazy,but I thought if you had a mother's love that was halfway functional, which mine WAS, you would be ok.
I guess that is narrow thinking.
Scott must have been tormented by the relationship between his F and me. He wanted to make it OK and he couldn't. My H turned Scott 'against " me, which is his family pattern. His B did the same thing with his child, but did not have the consequences we did.
Scott had too much of a loyalty to me to "buy" my H's crazy thinking. That was what made him kill himself, I think.
He could not process it all.
I gave up trying to snatch him from my H's clutches b/c I was "tired" and demoralized from all the years of my M and then my H.
I was angry at Scott b/c I would try to tell him the truth and he kept moving further and further away from me.I knew that if you could hold on to truth, you could stay afloat.
I gave up fighting and that is what sealed his fate, Ann said.
She told me that , in the first session. I could not face it, but now I can.
I was angry at Scott b/c I kept telling him the truth and then he started fighting me on it. I said to myself,'Fine, LET him find out about my H, himself."I thought that eventually Scott would come back to me, but he didn't.
*I* let him go.
*I* was the honesty and the "health"in the family, even though I had many issues. I could still see truth.
I gave Scott up and my H took him and squished him.
My H did not mean to "possess" Scott,as his golden boy.My H would have given his own life for Scott, BUT my H's selfish needs (N needs) killed Scott. My LV did not fight .
Even, now, everything is FOR my H. My H wonders what will happen to HIM when he is old, how HE feels without a two kids, how HE feels when he sees families.
*I* feel pain FOR Scott, how HE suffered, how HE got to the point to put a gun to that precious head. It is NOT for me.I hurt for him.
So, THAT is the difference between and N and a LV.
Thank God, I am not an N.
I don't like being a LV. I wish I was a "big"voice or medium(at least)-LOL.
However, I have to remember the most important thing of all.
I found God from my pain. I would not give up one ounce of it, not even Scott's death If Scott and I could be perfectly "normal" and not have God, as I do (and he did), I would not trade our lives for "normal" lives.
My Aunt lives a good life. She feels like you do, Deb. She likes herself and functions without undue angst.
However, she has no great need for God. Nor, do her children. Nor did my friend, the female MD, who had it "all"
I suffered greatly, but was humbled ,but would not take any of it back ,if I needed it to find Him. That is my beacon through the pain. Love Ami
