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Why is it?

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Anonymous:
I don't have to tell you whether I agree or disagree. I felt the "superiority" and platitude labeling was a bit mean so I mentioned it. That is all I felt like commenting on.

bunny

Dawning:
Hi Feline.


--- Quote ---It matters how I use my religion in my life.
Some people use religion to justify being a bully,being pushy,being cruel and dominating.This ain't spiritual and alot people seem to be unable sometimes to see through that or to change the religion and thier relationship with it to reflect the better person inside themselves that is struggling there under all thier baggage ,confusion and wounds..
--- End quote ---


Yup, yup, yup.  I recently pulled back from someone I had known for several years that I met in a Sangha (Tibetan Buddhism.)  When I say pull back, I don't mean blow-off.  But she has not responded.  No problem.  I believe she hid behind the guru.  And I couldn't follow the guru to the extent she could.  At the meetings, I would often write in my journal about her bullying tactics...how she would be the self-appointed one to let others gain access to the guru.  Before that, when I tried to cultivate a friendship with her, I felt used.  As in she only *used* me for company.  This started to dawn on me when, after repeated visits to her house and her parties (and calling her sweet cat by the name she had given it) she could only be bothered to make it to my parties for one hour, calling my cats *this one* or *that one.*  My intuition told me to to pull back.  She seemed pretty short on compassion (another person referred to her as a *little hitler*) but as long as she did her 108 prostrations a day, I guess everything was okay in her world.  Whatever works.  I might sound judgemental but I knew the best thing for me was to pull back from her.  The hypocrisy was starting to knaw at me to no end.  I get so frustrated when I am around people that want me to drop everything and help them (which I can do) but they don't take my inevitable need for the occassional support seriously.  


--- Quote ---But what does matter ultimately to me, is how I treat others. How I treat myself and the way I apply my boundaries in my own life. My integrity is my choice and responsibility and it need not mean a damn thing to anyone else.They are not me.
--- End quote ---


Very well put.  Empowering stuff.  If I may ask, what do you do in times of insecurity?  I can do this in my own life until an event happens that makes me feel insecure or when I allow my integrity to be tampered with.


--- Quote ---Sometimes my feelings isn't all about me.And this is how life is in a relational world, it's complicated .. I choose to care despite that . I choose to act in a way that helps in the best way I can figure out at the time.If I find out in hindsight it could have been better,I don't feel guilty, at least I listened to my heart and did or said something real.
--- End quote ---


Just curious...how do you avoid feeling like a martyr if I may ask?  Because, in the past, when I have thought like this I found myself caught up in the a kind of martry syndrome and it was too much to bear.  Still, being a *real* person is the basis of my existance.  I don't know any other way to be and I saw, first-hand, the effects of pretending to be someone else when I was growing up.  Maybe I instincitvely realized what as waste that path would be for me.  


--- Quote ---I choose to try to see reality and not evade it,and that is sometimes very emotionally taxing on me,and this is why I post here. To find my voice and to walk my talk better .
--- End quote ---


You're not alone here!  And thanks for clarifying and giving us your thoughts.

Glad you are posting and sharing.   :)

gnostikos:
bunny,

If you want to feel I was mean, I can't stop you, now can I.

Dawning:
I am not going to answer this one for Bunny.  But, imo...No, no one can *stop* anyone from feeling what they do.  If someone tries to do that, then its time to put up some healthy boundaries.

Anonymous:
Very well put.  Empowering stuff.  If I may ask, what do you do in times of insecurity?

I feel the insecurity,I don't deny it or ignore how awful it feels.I don;'t feel guilty for feeling it either. and I don't let insecurity tell me who I am, how I should feel ect.Insecurity is a feeling and it's anxiety.It ain't nessesarily "real"or my problem all the time,sometimes it is residues from other people's crap. I am aware I could doubt  and second guess myself all day,so I do what I do I trust myself, I trust my own voice, because I trust my own motives..If I feel insecure about my worth,my actions I ask myself why am I somehow worse than someone else who does the same thing? Would I be bashing someone else like I bash myself? If the answer is no my insecurity is guilty anxiety or fear based in some bullshit in me..When I try to read the results of what I do by looking at signals and hints ( subtleties that might not even be there ) I find my insecurity might be projections,or reactions,they might be misunderstandings..) I need to ask myself why I feel as I do? What reason for this?? I recognize I'm feeling  insecure, I turn on it,and start questioning the rationale of the feeling  in an internal dialog. Soon after probing it directly, I find out the insecurity usually is an old parental script rolling in my headI was not consious of,some replayed lie from some abuser,or it's a trigger..it's fear,self doubt,unwarrented guilt or plain old self hatred,things I don't want in me.So I argue with myself and force the feeling to work for it's existance by challenging my assumptions about myself ,my thoughts and the situation.I look at flipsides to every rationalization or self depreciatory thought. Often insecurity I find out is coming from  bad false  stuff I was conditioned into believing  growing up in an abusive home,that in reality has NOTHING to do with my worth ,unless I convince myself it does and believe the bullshit other people told me to keep me disempowered."cause who I am threatened thier lies of control..
Once I start questioning my feelings and seek the origins they tend to be tested out of existance once the false script of abuse at the heart of that insecurity is uncovered.
The other insecurity is kinda like stage fright,when you enter a contest with stiiff competitors. That insecurity has a small reason to be there because it's basis is in self pride.. because you can never be sure you will win or if your skills are as good as thiers until you see them.


Just curious...how do you avoid feeling like a martyr if I may ask?

Well If I offer help and no one wants it,Fine. I ain't gonna force it.That helps nothing. I help and it fails to help ,I say oh well.I don't take failure  so personally because every human being fails.We are limited we can't control very much and none of us chose to be here as far as I know..
If I can't help because I need help oh well.I insist I get my needs met too. When I am worn out or need rest or goof offI do it with no apologies because who am I supposed to be appeasing some old memory some fear some bullshit feeling I am avoiding? So  I don't feel guilty.
If I am goofing off, I goof off..BFD, everyone goofs off ,rigor has it's limits.I don't want to be a martyr That is not my motive for caring. So I f I remember why I want to help others which ultimately is a selfish motive(*I* want a better relationship with the world) I find it easier to refuse to get sucked into that martyr  role.Once I feel  overwhelmed ,I vent (here sometimes) or do I stuff I want to do,critics and the needy be damned. In order to help others one has to help themself too.In order to feel for others I gotta feel for myself. Having compassion for all means having  compassion for myself too. And deciding I am worthy of my own love.Bullies try to steal self love from you because they hate themselves and lie about thier motives and heart that much.The trick is to balance,your needs and the needs of others and to listen closely to your own internal selves and withdrawl from helping when you need to,and accept help.
If you let other people (esp.needy narcissists who give nothing back) tell you when your helping is done you will NEVER be able to  take a rest.
They'll suck the compassion out of you until you begin stop caring for yourself and you become an enabler without realizing why you feel so frustated,and unloved and the narcissist makes you  become a martyr to keep lies inside you narcissists need to hide themselves from you  going .


You're not alone here!  And thanks for clarifying and giving us your thoughts.

Thanks for listening :)


Glad you are posting and sharing.  

Glad you are too!

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