Triggers

[Ami]

I see from the board events that we ALL have triggers. It is amazing to me how much of our FOO issues are played out on other people.
 For me,now, I am going to try to delve in to Alice Miller.
 If I could find a good therapist who could "get it" ,in an Alice Miller , way, I would go.
 James has helped me to see that my stomach aches are a replay of trying desperately to take care of my M. It is my trying to "pour' out myself to take care of her SO *I* could be safe.
 I ,literally, was afraid for my life if she was not placated.
 Now, I get stomach aches in many social situations. This old run on the "gerbil wheel" keeps replaying.
Alice Miller says you need to connect with the original emotions that made you get the symptom,in the first place.
Has anyone experienced anything similar?       Ami

[Gabben]

Dear Ami,

Yes, for a long time I would get stomach aches in the form of digestive problems. I had to give up eating gluten for several years. Up until this past year I was not able to eat so much as a donut hole without getting an upset stomach.

But recently, the pain has gone away. I believe it is because as you say, triggers...they have helped me to look at me. When someone has pushed my buttons, such as N saint, I took it as a solution for me to face the deeper wounds that were underlining the situation. I faced my pain...I went south and embraced the cross or, my suffering.

For me, the recent triggers have been the need for rescue. When I was a child and caught in the daily abuse of my mom's wrath and toxic love, I desperately and unconsciously wanted someone to come and rescue me. I wanted someone to protect me.

Lately, I have been trying to get to the tears and grieve the loss of rescue.

For us codependents rescue takes it's form in addictions and unmet emotional needs.

So I am trying to rescue me in healthy ways such as long beach walks, soothing music and eating healthy.

I am the only one who really knows the depth of my pain. I put my arms around me and love tenderly the ouch and the deep hurt of never fully being loved.

Think about Alice Miller's saying that "the air we breathe...."  We are familiar with that toxic air - it is a comfort zone.

That was why I had such a hard time detaching from the priest and why N saint still lingers in my thoughts. It part of the betrayal bond reenactment from my childhood. I am acting out the trauma of what it was like to be betrayed everyday.

Love,
Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise
 I am glad this thread resonated with you. This board incident showed me how we have to reclaim ourselves. Everyione is struggling with their own issues.
 The outside is too precarious to validate us.Even people we love  have their own triggers, as we do.
  My goal is to heal deep ,emotional pain .         Love   Ami

[Juno]

I wonder if I'm having so much trouble getting to my triggers and feeling well, because I'm still in survival mode in my work place.  It is a very toxic workplace and it is all I can do to get through some of my days with dignity.

My stomach has been acting up lately, just like it was doing when I worked for the last N, who I walked out on, finally.  I keep thinking I'm eating something that is setting my stomach off--but I bet it is the toxic environment I'm subjected to each day.  It's too detailed to go into it here.  Let's just say that I work with people who enjoy seeing others at their most vulnerable.  Who remember when they suffered and who seem to think, well, if it was good enough for me, then it's good enough for her.  People who enjoy messing with people like me.

But anyway, I'm so distracted by the toxicity, that I don't really know what to do for my physical health.  And I am overwhelmed by the triggers.  I "know" in my head what they are.  And they are many.  Unfortunately, I have yet to make the connection fully so that I can release them.  I need release but I'm stuck for some reason.

[Ami]

We are in the same place,Juno!             Love   Ami

[Juno]

Ami, I think I might be stuck because I "know" on some level just how painful it is going to be and I'm avoiding that pain.  PLUS, all the other stuff.....

Now I know why you always say, bleh.

This is definitely bleh.

[Ami]

LOL         Ami

[Ami]

I see from the  board interaction  that my M couldn't help it, how she thought. She did not have enough of a core to have a "stop" on her feelings. They just came out,all over the place(which was me-lol)
 I see that your "core" is your "stopper', in a way,for  the thoughts and feelings that we all have. IF they are said, they wound. They were not meant to be said,but thinking them is OK.
 I am just realizing that thinking ANY thoughts are OK,but saying ANY thoughts are not.
 I got really confused on that b/c my M shamed me so much that I thought my thoughts were bad.
 I still have a sense of self, even though I have not trusted it for a long time.
 My M never had one,I don't think.
 Once an emotion hit her, it was OUT and you were the target. She did not have the part that censored it b/c it would hurt s/one. Some part of the "self" was not there.
 I think my GM saved me . 
 With my GM, it was NOT all about her, as it always was with my M.
 It was about my needs and well being, as a child and  for my whole life.
 My M wounded me tremendously and I have to heal the wounds,but I see that she did not have the self that I am now getting ,or digging up again.Your self monitors your actions ,  tells you right from wrong and allows you to see s/thing from s/one else's point of view. If a person does not have one, they are impaired. It is like a car without an engine.
         Ami
 

[Ami]

Woke up ,today, with my usual stomach ache, BUT today I am starting to look inside and OWN all that I am.I think I am free of the chains from my M.
 I see ,from the recent interaction, that my M could not "help" how she was. It was a subconscious trigger.It was her thinking mechanism. It was not a "choice", at the thinking level.
 Each action may have been a "choice",but the thinking pattern was not.
 It IS confusing,but it does not have to have a linear answer. It has to have an emotional answer ,for  me.
    Ami

[Ami]

I have seen how triggers function. I have reached a new paradigm in  life. I have been trying to control the outside to manage the inside(me)
 That was the root of my stomach aches . I was replaying trying to take care of my M . My M would become a monster. She would  morph in to a frightening person and I was supposed to love her enough and take care of her enough so SHE would be ok.
 My guts and my core were"leaving my body" to manage her .
 James helped me to see that. I know it is true b/c I feel better. I am feeling the terror behind NOT taking care of people, not "making it OK" for s/one else's emotions.
 I still have the problem, but it is a little better, so I know I am on the right track.
 The board has the highest quality people on it and so much wisdom and experience.
  I feel more peaceful ,today. If I don't have to use my gut to manage others, it can be inside me, functioning as it should.
  People will always have their own issues. How can *I* possibly manage the outside to make ME ok?
 It is so impossible when you see it.
 I am so thankful to be able to see this lesson.        Ami


PS I see that my mind and my mental health are the most important things I have. I concentrated on the outside, when the inside was the priceless gift.

[Ami]

I see, intellectually, and a little emotionally, how I could not sustain my own body. My life force had to go out to take care of others, manage others(my M).
 I had to do it or I would feel terror.
 Now, I am ready to feel the feelings under the symptom ,so I can heal and see that I don't have to take care of my M, anymore, or she will rage and destroy me.
 No one's anger can hurt me, anymore. If s/one hits me, I will call the police,but other than that, anger cannot hurt me.
         Ami

[Hopalong]

I'm glad you've got your guts back, Ami.

Guts
gutsiness
gut it out
knowing in your gut

Guts is a good place for you, I think.

Have a good Saturday,
Hops

[Ami]

Thank you, Hops.
 I am in the "process" of getting my guts ,back. I wish I was at the end. I am at the beginning ,but it is good to be  on the road. James is helping me ,with Alice Miller,and also, he has healed the same thing,when his emotions healed. I have hope,which I really didn't have before b/c I felt "stuck"
  I feel the door opened with James and Alice Miller, just as the door to N opened with the board. Finally, there was a whole group of people who could understand my "inexplicable" life and it had a name---N.
  I feel that same hope with my stomach, now. My stomach problems have a name and a solution and I feel so grateful, Hops. Thanks for writing.   Love    Ami

[towrite]

Ami - I know exactly how you feel - "in your gut". I am so overwhelmed with survival right now that I can't put that aside to look into the causes of my gastric problems. They woke me last night @ 2 a.m. Almost didn't make it to the bathroom. I developed colitis as a young adult, and I knew absolutely that it was due to my NP's treatment and my struggle to survive them. I still have it, despite surgery, and no change in diet or other stuff makes any difference.

I was in a group with Virginia Satir years ago, when one member of our group decided to work on his family dynamics. Bill had heart trouble, even tho' he was only 41. Virginia had several drs. in the group and had them standby in case this work triggered Bill's heart trouble. In his work he discovered, much to his pain and relief, that his father had been a man with "no heart", so Bill had overtaxed his own trying to compensate for his father's lack of. Bill's heart had been doing the work of two.

On subsequent checkups. Bills heart function had actually improved. It was a miracle. Hope a similar break through comes for you.

(((((Ami)))))

Kate

[Ami]

Having problems with my stomach ,again. I was talking to two people and I felt my stomach "leave" my body and try to take care and manage the other person so they would not be angry at me, I guess.
 I am really tired of this.I must connect with the deeper feelings in order to heal--bleh. The road is long(lol) .     Ami