The N Mother and Boundaries

[Ami]

I see a big reason as to WHY I got so "coreless". My NM wanted ,above all else, to make sure I did not have boundaries in which to protect my core, my compass, my navigation tool. Perhaps,my compass could see HER.
I see why I felt so unsafe. I could not protect myself without paying a price ,which was too high.
I would be eviscerted if I set a boundary. I would be slashed to pieces and left.
 I can fight back,now. I can  protect myself. I can set a boundary and live within it..
 

[debkor]

Ami,

Yes you can.  I do believe that you did not just stop that old tape recorder in your head you actually see it was just a recording and not you.  Although it's painfull  to go over it's very freeing, eh. 

These inner things you are hearing now, such as, I can fight back, is your self protection speaking to you. 

Seriously when you were a child how could you  (fight back)  the price was too high like you said.  You did what you had to do to survive.

You did. 
And you called yourself not a fighter.  I beg to differ, you sure are. 

Love
Deb

[ann3]

I think that not having boundaries is the #1 reason for being voiceless.  But with N parents, there's no one to teach us boundaries.  I learned about boundaries a couple of years ago and they have been my best friend.  Ami, I think it's so great that you are setting boundaries.

Seriously when you were a child how could you  (fight back)  the price was too high like you said.  You did what you had to do to survive.

Deb, you are 100% correct:  that is the reality when one's parents are Ns and that's one of the reasons why we had no boundaries.

[James]

Ami...........I am impressed with your grit and determination to find your voice, and you are. You really are developing boundaries and STANDING YOUR OWN GROUND. Your hard work is paying off. Congratulations!..........Love, James

[Iphi]

Dear Ami - you have conquered so much fear in coming to this place, and also attained a lot of dignity.

[Ami]

Thank you Deb, Ann, James and Iphi,
 I am really touched by your comments. Thank you so much.                        Love    Ami

[ann3]

You're welcome, Ami.

Hope you are feeling better.

[Ami]

Dear Ann,
  I see how boundaries are necessary. I see that I have to be an "authentic" person . I want to live life with my compass navigat, learning from life as I should have but could not b/c I was frozen.
 My M's  legacy was convincing me that  "human" thoughts and emotions were "bad". She convinced me that I was "bad". When I wanted to aspire beyond her, she pushed me down to her level( the first two levels of growth--childhood emotions)
 She could not totally wipe me out b/c I had love from other sources. I was loved my extended family and that gave me a strength that allowed me to have some core ,which  was dormant,but not destroyed.
 My GM(mother's M) took me on as her favorite  grandchild. My other GM gave me unconditional love. Aunts and Uncles did ,too. So, I had something that my M could not wipe out.
 I have to test out,'Am I REALLY bad or is it a lie?"Do I REALLY deserve to be "punished" or is it a lie? Am I human or a "monster?" What are the truths and what are the lies?
That is what I am doing,now. Thank Goodness for the board b/c no one understands the N parent,except  people who have been there. It is a unique situation i, I think.
 Part of the reason I gave up, in life, was that I had to live a lie b/c when I told the truth, no one would believe it and then I doubted my own reality. Here, on the board, we all believe it.          Love Ami
 

[ann3]

Ami,

Almost every word you wrote in your last post (except for yr GM & Aunt) is basically my story too.  I posted to you somewhere on the board today, agreeing with what you wrote about being Dorothy:  We always had our own power, but we never knew it and we never knew it because we were raised by lies and distoritons.  Boundaries, are you kidding?  A slave, a mini-me has no boundaries, we spent most of our lives as doormats because, we like Dorothy never knew we always had our own power.  But, now we know we have our own power.  Better late than never.

[Ami]

Yes, Ann.
It is better late than never, for sure!  Thank you for your supportive posts. I appreciate them, very much..  Love   Ami