letting the big mouth loose with my NM

[towrite]

Got a call from a childhood friend whose dad died last night. She knows my situation and we had a lengthy conversation in which I told her about the food stamps. She said she was sure my NM would be going to her dad's funeral (they were friends since childhood), and, when she saw her, she was going to ask her what kind of mother would allow her daughter to be on food stamps? She added that, for sure my NM would retort with all kinds of lies about me, to which my friend was going (according to her) get in my NM's face and demand that she provide proof of the lies - then my friend is going to tell NM that those things are NOT true and she knows first-hand they are not true.

The conversation amused me.

[Ami]

Dear Kate,
 It might be Divine intervention. What do you think?                Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Wow, ToWrite.  That is amazing that just the other day you wrote that you were thinking about getting someone to write an anonymous letter and here comes your family friend who says she is going to do just what you were talking about. 

None of the people I grew up with even believe that I don't have money - though if you looked at my house and car what else could you think. Because they inherited enormous amounts they (not surprisingly) think we all did.  I am very glad that you have a childhood, family friend who knows the truth and is willing to stand up for you.  That is no small thing.  That is a big thing and I want you to put that in your list of things good about your life.  That and your remarkable intuition - that you could envision something and it came through.  Keep using your vision. 

[towrite]

Thanks, GS and Ami. Yes, I would say it was sort of cosmic intervention.

Like you, GS, none of my childhood friends, except 2-3, believe I have no money. My NM has kept her appearances so tight that even her closest friends were shocked to discover my NF left me nothing in his will. All those unbelieving friends inherited trust funds, etc., or have their husbands' 401K's to live on, etc. They aren't capable of seeing any other reality.

towrite

[Gaining Strength]

They aren't capable of seeing any other reality.
It has taken me so long to understand this.  They aren't capable.
Hard to understand but I see the truth of it now.

[ann3]

Hi GS & Towrite,

They aren't capable.

I'm working on this also.  Think what I have learned is that part of the They aren't capable is also our expectation that they should be capable.  

Furthermore, inherent in our expectation that they should be capable, is that we are judging them in a way that does not help us:  We have the expectation  that they should be capable, but we find they are incapable and therefore, we are disappointed and hurt and so on some level, we judge them as "bad" people (black & white thinking?).  

What I'm trying to work on is that when I decide that such people are 'incapable' , what I'm really saying to myself is that they do not meet my expectation of what they should be.

If I let go of the expectation, I let go of the judgment and I feel less pain from the way these people disappoint me.

Also, if I can stop judging other people, then I can stop judging myself and if I can stop judging myself, I can start to love myself and then feel more love, kindness and compassion for myself and for others, even those who are "incapable".  Then, I feel less hurt.

This is still a work in progress.

[gratitude28]

Oh Ann,
This is exactly what I struggle with every day. I cannot get past that they SHOULD see what they are doing. I need to get past that. I wish someone could write me a book of "What to do" or "How to react."
Towrite, your NM should be ashamed. I hope this will happen and will help. Ns seem to realize they have done wrong when someone points it out to them. They don't feel shame, but they want to keep up an appearance.
Love, Beth